Wednesday, August 18, 2010
So a couple of weeks ago I wrote a blog about a huge realization I had. (It's the 8/11 blog if you're so inclined)
And some interesting things have been happening. Short version is I was assaulted several years ago, and after it was all said and done, what I didn't realize is that slowly, year by year, I insulated myself with a protective layer to feel safe. I've also been reading a book called Raw Emotions. Let me tell you, if you have EVER struggled with your emotions around food, this book is hands down THE book to read to understanding why you do what you do.
So, with that being said, I have been having these dreams. In my dreams, I'm finally letting go of a few people in my life that for some reason or another, I've hung on to. And it's hard to describe. In a way, I feel like I am truly forgiving them for what they did. And I also feel like I'm cutting some kind of invisible cord that runs between them and myself and symbolically, I think I'm cutting their ability to hurt me. For the past few years, I have not been content with myself. I have always done that whole "what if" game in my head. What if I had stayed with him, what would we be like now, and I know the real reason was I wasn't happy with myself, so I looked outside of myself for whatever "that" was. And in the meantime? I have done a huge disservice to my husband. Because he's an amazing hubby, and wow..I just have some serious making up to do for him. Because for the first time in a long time, I'm so happy to be who I am. and I cant tell you how huge that is.
When I woke up from my dream, I had this mantra that popped into my head. A voice said to me, "I feel safe losing weight." And I've been repeating this saying to myself all week. Now...lol, here's the freaking kicker. I've lost SIX POUNDS this week! I haven't worked out. I have changed my food habits some, but for the most part? I finally feel at peace with food. Because I realized it's not the enemy. Me trying to shove my emotions down and sedate myself with food, that was the real issue. And I know this sounds strange to some, but I no longer have this anxiety about losing weight. In the background, there was always this undercurrent that I couldn't lose weight. And you know what? I really didn't *want* to. Because I was scared of change, but I had no idea why that was. Now that I've figured all this sh** out, it's like this big shift has happened. I have bronchitis right now, so I'm not doing any cardio. That's going to change next week. And you know what? I'm excited. Because I know now that when I start putting the work in, I'll keep seeing results.
For now, I'm pretty happy with the new Lucky jeans my arse is sportin...lol