My Aha! Moment

So. Late last night, I'm flipping through the channels and happen to stumble upon Heavy on A&E. Grossly overweight people are featured and are taken to a place known as "the facility" where they have one-on-one training. Only two people go to the facility at a time and there are two trainers. The guy (Tom) was well over 600 pounds and had a lymphatic mass hanging off his leg which was surgically removed during the show and had a blood pressure of 180-something over 103.

I think this is what I needed: to see something that showed exactly what could happen if I continue in the route I am. The woman (Jodi) that was on the show weighed 10 pounds more than me and, although I'm sure I'm MUCH taller than she is, I was grossed out with how she looked. Now, when I look at myself in the mirror this morning, I see how gross I look.

In my head, I still look like the 160-pound rod I was before I had kids. After my daughter Z was born (who is now 10), my body rewrote it's metabolism and it has been nothing but weight gain ever since.

My point is... I think that show woke me up, so to speak. Nothing is going to get rid of this weight except me. I can talk about what I'm going to do until I'm blue in the face, but talking isn't going to get me anywhere.

Next week, I am going to make an appointment with the doctor to get some more medical insight on what I should be doing and what I can be doing. I say next week only because our only vehicle is in the shop until Thursday, maybe Friday.

The past two weeks have been quite... trying. First, a car accident that left over $1,100 worth of damage on our van... then fighting with the insurance company to waive our deductible (we were successful)... then finding out that my SortaHubby's job will be no more in March. He has been moved to a different department, but it was still a blow to me because he's losing his set schedule which will make me finding a job nearly impossible. After the horrible experience I had with Z in daycare when she was under 3, I REFUSE to put E in daycare. E will go to headstart in January. I turned to food as my comfort once again. And, have GAINED four pounds since New Years. I'm not beating myself up about it. Nothing can be done about the gain.. except to lose it. Just adds a bit to my weight loss goal.

After watching Heavy last night from 10p-11p EST.. I got up and did 50 step-ups. I only did 50, but I did them without stopping. Usually I only make it to 30 and have to stop for a breather. Today I plan on doing 50 straight, 15 second break, 50 straight again.

I also plan on buying a new bike with taxes, as well as a new bike trailer, and begin riding avidly again. When I was still a single mom with just Z, I didn't have a car. My only mode of transportation was my bike and bike trailer. I would get up and ride the mile (with a 40 pound kid in the trailer) to take Z to headstart, then back to four blocks past my house to work, stand up for 9+ hours straight (I worked at Taco Bell), then ride BACK to headstart and back home. The weight dripped off me. I then bought a car to get through winter, and gained all the weight (plus some) back. I live in a different town, a different state, but plan on finding places to ride here.

Done rambling. E is done with breakfast and early headstart will be here soon. I'm just trying to find the motivation in myself to do this and it's a lot harder than I expected. As my mom says, I give in to the whiney 9-year-old Nikki in my head far too often. I need to shut that brat up and I intend on finding a way to do just that in the very very VERY near future.