Finding Balance

Today starts round 17 of the Biggest Loser Challenge, which I will probably be posting about from time to time.

My stats for the beginning of this round (just to get them out there):

WEIGHT: 170.0 lbs.
BUST 41"
CHEST 33.5"
WAIST 40.5"
HIPS 44"
HIGHS(R & L) 27"; 26.5"
UPPER ARM (R & L) 13.5"; 13.5"

Not as bad as I feared but not as good as I had hoped, either. I seem to be stuck at 170--which is a good 35 pounds heavier than I want to be and at least 15 pounds (and several inches) bigger than is healthy--by pretty much every healthy body weight/composition measure that I have access to.

My goal for the round is is to lose 6 lbs in 12 weeks. Just 6 pounds (well, if I lose more, yay, but 6 pounds is my goal). That's an average of a half pound every week. It's not a lot of weight, but 6 pounds would put me at 164 lbs, which I haven't hit in years.

I have been struggling with weight loss now for 6 years.... longer than it took for me to put on the weight in the first place (I put on the weight in less than 4). In the beginning, I kept being told it was "simple," that all I needed to do was "work out a little" and to "make some simple diet changes." Well, I've done more than that, and yet the pounds are still here, the fat is still here. This might help explain why this past spring/summer I have been torn between two extremes.. On the one hand, to say f*ck it and stop trying because I am struggling and trying and depriving myself and pushing myself and working up a sweat for nothing so why bother? On the other hand, I want to workout for 3 hours every day and not eat (which is disturbingly easier to do than eating a healthy diet and managing nutrients and calories etc.) Neither extreme is healthy and I have not given in to either of them... rather I am clinging stubbornly to the idea that if I continue to work out moderately but consistently and eat healthy foods and watch my portion sizes etc. that I will eventually reach my goal of not.

(edit: I'm not really at risk of an eating disorder... just struggling with keeping focused and motivated when I feel like I'm making no progress. Some days it feels like I'm banging my head against a wall and that my options are either to give up (less pain, anyway) or work harder.... It does help me understand how people come to develop eating disorders. But I actually have a pretty realistic assessment of my body and am focused more on getting healthier than thinner--and not eating is definitely counter productive to my real goals!)

It's a good thing I'm very stubborn, I guess. Otherwise I might have tipped either into the realm of an eating disorder (not as likely because I refuse to go down that road) or into giving up (more likely, but I am still fighting against it.).

I do reserve the right to shoot Nerf darts the next time someone (on line, on the TV, in person) says that I can easily loose weight if I just watch less TV (which I rarely watch, by the way) and/or watched my calories (I consume between 1400 and 1600 calories on average, closer to 1800 on weeks that I fence--as my base metabolism is supposedly 1800 calories a day, and I'm eating within my spark recommended ranges, I should have lost 50 pounds twice over by now) and/or work out "a little" (I push my body as hard as I can--I aim for an average of 20-30 minutes of cardio 5 days a week, strength training 2-3 days a week, and 1000 fitness minutes every month. I walk, bike, fence, roller blade, swim, and play tennis during the summer, in the winter I zumba, walk on a treadmill, use the elliptical, and use exercise dvds).

I think that's fair.

In any case, I don't know if we are going to have goals like we did last round so I may elaborate on this but my goals for this round at least for now are:

1) Lose 6 lbs.
2) Eat at least one fresh fruit/veggie every day
3) Get in at least 20 minutes of exercise 5 days a week.
4) To be determined; something to deal with the stress as stress is a major issue for me right now. Something more productive (and less violent) then shooting Nerf darts at people.