I should forgive myself

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

It isn't easy at all.
I sit here, sit and aet so much I can barely move. Full blown regression. Has been like that for months. Spring came with happy news, summer killed me, fall - my dearest fall, I am spending hating my life.
If not for Ela, I wouldn't leave the house at all!
Day by day, I think I should get up. But I don't. And to top it all, the weather is so great, I just keep thinking - perfect weather for running. But I do not think I could run any more. Nor now. I could WALK. Like I did in the beginning. I have great new shoes, loads of new workout clothes. Most of it is too tight now. I am scared to step on the scale. That would be the last slap in the face.
I am really ashamed. Really not liking myself.
I should, really, forgive myself the bad choices and weaknesses. In order to move on. But I keep hating myself for taking that stinking job, for the leg surgery that didn't help, for everything!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I agree with DEC2DEC and LEXIE33 that you need to go and have some counselling and possibly some anti- depressant medication. You are depressed and just as our physical body's need help so do our mental/emotional body. emoticon
    2924 days ago
    I'm sending you love & warm thoughts & prayers. I hope you feel better real soon.
    3013 days ago
    I understand so well, even though I don't know you. Small steps. Smile at yourself in the mirror and say aloud, I forgive you. Treat yourself as kindly as you would your dearest friend or relative. It's not easy, but you deserve to enjoy life. Wow, I understand and personally - speaking only for myself- know that meds are not the answer. Howver, for others it may be a solution. I'm here for you if you want to share further.
    3041 days ago
    This is depression, hon, and it can be TREATED. Please go to a doctor. You don't have to feel like this, nor do you have to backslide. You can do this!
    3041 days ago
  • LEXIE63
    You need professional help, so get your doctor to refer you. You obviously need someone who knows what they are doing to help you turn this around.
    Take care,
    Lex xxx
    3047 days ago
  • CARLA-216
    Sending you hugs and love, as well as strength to take the steps needed to overcome the lowness you're feeling right now. You may need help from a doctor, and that's totally okay. We're here for you and are not ashamed of you, so please don't be ashamed.
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    3048 days ago
    I'm struggling too, but we're walking this road together, friend. Don't hate yourself. You are strong, you are beautiful! We started with baby steps, my friend, and that's how life progresses. Take a baby step, then another. I know you can do this, for yourself! Miss you and love you!
    emoticon emoticon
    3049 days ago
    walk, walk a little, then walk a little further every few days, drink in the fresh air and sunshine, play with ela, SMILE, you are still SO much more fit and wonderful than you were a few years ago, you are still a dear girl who so many of us love, sending you good vibes, love ya so!
    3049 days ago
  • -POOKIE-
    I miss you.

    I miss you no matter what you are thinking of yourself right now.

    Would being more active here, being with people who care (ok, so over the internet) help you feel better?

    Im struggling too, struggling to find the motivation any more. Being under pressure to be able to have my surgery was a good thing... now I dont have that Im struggling to find a reason.
    3050 days ago
    I feel your pain, but you can do this. Each day is a new beginning. Take one step. Do one thing. It's okay to fail, as long as you start over. emoticon
    3050 days ago
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    Hello sunshine. I have missed you my friend so very much. Thank you for coming back. Do you want to know something? I still believe in you. I still think you are beautiful. I still think you are strong. I still see you running down the road with the wind in your face and the sun on your back. Wanna know something else? I am gonna try to make you see the same things. Why? Because right now you are buried in stinkin thinkin and it is blotting out that beautiful person I know. You are awesome hun. You have done it before and I know you can do it again. Thank you for returning. You have shown your strength by posting this blog. It is sooo nice to see you again my friend, you were indeed missed. emoticon
    3050 days ago
    I suggest you go see your Dr. and be assessed for clinical depression. You sound like you have it with the symptoms you are describing. PLEASE go and get help! emoticon
    3050 days ago
    Would you treat your best friend like this?? NO! NO! YOU are your best friend!!!

    Now get up and treat your BEST friend to a walk in this glorious weather of fall , look around you and witness the beauty of what God has provided! YOU can do this! STOP beating yourself up, and celebrate what you HAVE accomplished, yesterday is GONE! TODAY you get to start all over again, fresh and new.
    3050 days ago
    Thinking of YOU & hoping things improve for you soon!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3050 days ago
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