A rough week
Saturday, January 07, 2012
This was my toughest week by far. And the silly part was, there was no reason for it to be tough...nothing at all out of the ordinary schedule-wise. Just another week, for all intents and purposes. But I got all weirded out in the early part, and it just went downhill. I'm only now salvaging it.
I think what really got to me was an early disappointment on Monday when I found that the weight I thought I'd have (the under-220 mark I blogged about earlier) wasn't there. I couldn't fathom why. I hadn't overdone on my calories, I'd worked out sufficiently--and I got so mad for some reason. That kind of pouting, temper-tanrum-throwing thought process that we all had when we were four years old and have since learned not to verbalize, but occasionally still have. That's not fair...I don't deserve that...this scale is stupid...my body's stupid...I'll never lose weight....it's the same thing all over again, I try and try and never get anywhere....this is useless....I give up.
And I proceeded to eat my way through three days nonstop. I didn't even track my food for two of them. It didn't help that I didn't get a lot of sleep those nights, either, once because of Matthew and once just because I couldn't sleep for some reason. So I'd wake up and feel even crappier than usual, which only made me throw up my hands and do whatever I wanted even more.
Last night I went out and got a new scale. I'd arranged to get it earlier this week--someone I knew was selling one inexpensively, and it's fancy. It tracks your body fat percentage, your BMI, your hydration level, your bone density...phew. And of course, that didn't help things. Fancy New Scale is apparently much more sensitive than Old Faithful Scale, and I weigh a few more pounds on it than I originally thought. That was not good for my morale, either. But I decided I needed to be honest with myself. I'll use Fancy New Scale. Tracking my body fat percentage and BMI are important measures of my health. I also got a cheap little tape measure so I can start tracking my body measurements, too, because I've noticed a difference there for sure. Today I put on a bra I haven't worn since before my son was born! And it was actually a little big!
I just need to put my shoulder to the grindstone, here. The bottom line is, this is important to me, and doing what I did these last few days sends the message that it's *not* important. And that's simply not true. It is one of the most important things in my life, honestly. I want to keep my health, I want to teach my son healthy habits, and I want to be proud of my body--not just for any certain look, but for how strong and healthy and on-purpose it is.
Tomorrow's Zumba--first class of the new year! Thank goodness--I need it so much. I've decided it's not so much the exercise itself (Zumba's lots of fun, but there's nothing really unique about it) but the deliberation it takes to go there each week. I like knowing I'm putting in the time.
So I tracked my food today. Every last little thing. I counted every chocolate chip I snagged as I walked past the cupboard, and every animal cracker my son fed me. I was for real today. I also danced with Matthew for an hour with Just Dance 3 on the Wii.
I'm looking forward to the new semester starting Monday--I need that regularity in my life. It's far easier to mess up a day, eating-wise, when I'm home alone with a toddler than it is when I'm busy at work. I need my routine back.