So I woke up

Crying and coughing and nearly peeing my pants before I could get to the potty. It's a consequence of two difficult vaginal deliveries. Fourth degrees tears from both births. Maybe I can have that repaired some way later. All I wanted was to get to the bathroom then get some water to calm the coughing. That is a result me still smoking. My psychiatrist advised me not to quit yet because of all I'm going through. I have enough change without giving up a calming ritual.

i'm on sleeping meds, so stumbled into the bathroom and found myself on the floor. i stayed there till i was sure i wasn't injured and was awake enough to to drag myself to the toilet!

next i went to the kitchen to get some water and a cigarette. i found myself staring at pictures of my kids and a lovely photo collage my husband had made for me. they're mostly images of the kids. but one is this beautiful shot of him kissing me, i have a wide smile on my face in the image, was pregnant with our first kid at the time. it was a happy time.

i found myself crying in grief over what we have corporately lost. each other as partners in this crazy life.

i had a great evening of skyping with my parents and teaching an online course. they're bright, accomplished, inquisitive graduate students. i learn as much from them as they do of me.

life is good. but, god, i'm in grief too when i have reminders of the good times we shared. may god bless us both as we grieve. i called his pastors today asking them to reach out to him and spoke with my own catechumate leader (a very wise woman of faith) to receive support, council and prayer.

my brother called me today asking for help. his electricity is off. god, that's hard to suffer. had i the money, i'd have called the company and made it happen. but as it now stands i'm broke till payday. setting up a new home, acquiring an attorney and mediator has drained my resources till payday. now less than a week away. my brother is a recovering addict, so i know that sometimes i can't trust him. but i love him. blood is thicker than anything and i'm there for him. all i can do now is pray. our folks are done giving him money till he proves himself, gets a job, and gets back in right relationship with his kids.

i want to say more, but i'm impaired by these sleep meds. i'm wearing jeans i could not get over my hips two weeks ago and i have to keep pulling them up as they fall down. i need some belts and alterations!

the last thing i want to say is that god is here. in my insomnia, in my grief, in my brother's suffering, and in my husband's loss of me as his partner. god is here. he is good. and he can make all things new.

pray i get back to sleep soon. i don't wan to take another day off. i am a department head and they need me. but now, sleepless and sad, i want a sick day tomorrow.