I am so scared, so cornered

Thursday, April 05, 2012

I wish I were free!!!!
I live on this island, such a pretty island...My dog is so happy here. I love this island, and I hate it, too.
I live with my dad. I am 40yo. Unemployed. I can only get summer jobs, low paid, over tourist season. I never have any money. I always have to hear it from my dad who is old and disappointed in me.
last year was so hard for me. I had gotten to an inch from my ideal weight, and then had two surgeries, and one of them didn't help at all, the one on my leg. It's still swelling like mad. The other one, on my breast reduction, left me unhappy at the end. one is bigger, the nipples do not look very good...But still, I am ok with them being more up then down.
Then I started working 3 weeks after this surgery, and have worked for 5 and a half months without a day off. I got tired, mostly emotionally. The fact that I worked all day and until 1am in the mornings, did not help. I had no time to start working out again, and little by little, it all ended me. I got almost all the lost weight back. And more importantly, I have no spark left, no strength.
With the spark shining bright and strong, I was invincible. Now I am nowhere.
My family can't forgive me gaining weight, they keep telling me to just do it again, they do not hear me when I say I am too low to move anything. I have, once again, nothing to wear.
I am looking for another job this year. And I am tired of summer jobs. We are about to face financial ruin soon, even with two rooms rented out, mine included. (oh, yeah, I slept on a sofa that is really a love seat size, all summer long)
So, in my desperation, someone offered a help. It is an amazing thing. A blog pal of mine, an old one, offered me AND MY DOG a room in her house, free of rent, I'd be just paying part of the bills. And she got me a full time job.
But it's not here, at home, not on my island. I would have to leave my 80yo dad alone. I would have to move my dog and myself to a city on mainland.
I am scared. So very scared. I try to find a full time job here, have been trying for years, and it isn't happening.
I am scared and I should have an answer for the boss to be and this friend of mine ASAP. It's a big, huge decision. A big gamble. I huge adventure for tired old me. I am so scared. I don't know where to turn, what to do... With all the job hunting, and now this, my stomach hurts all day. from the moment I open my eyes in the morning, and late into the night, when it takes me hours to fall asleep.
The fear parralises me.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I understand your fears. And the offer is a huge leap for you. Is it possible to try it all out so that you don't have to feel it is so much change all
    at once? Can you visit you dad on weekends?
    Hope you can take a couple of steps into a new
    situation to give yourself some ease from all the
    2915 days ago
  • -POOKIE-
    This is a huge decision.

    But look at how miserable you are, this chance is amazing and something that could change your life for the better.

    If it doesn't work out... you can come back, nothing will change, your dad will still be waiting for you if you dont like your change.

    I miss you xx
    2916 days ago
    Listen to BAM0827, she is wise (and fun, I've met her).

    As scary as it seems, this is a real opportunity for you. Embrace it and make the most of it. It sounds like just the thing you have been waiting for. It will be a little scary but that's ok. You will get through it and I bet once that fear eases away, you and Ella will be just so happy!
    2918 days ago
  • CAMAEL100
    Go on your adventure - as the movie Happy Feet says - you should not die with your song still in you! And another one "one doesn't discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time" Andre Gide.

    I think the Universe has thrown you a life line - it is not a coincidence - confront your fears or you will forever wonder 'what might have been'. Only by pushing out limits can we really say what the limits really are.

    Yes you are tired now, but is that tired of the same ole, same ole?? A new environment and a new challenge would put the spark back!! Get out of your comfort zone.

    I agree with BAM0827 - she has given you some good advice - we all have to push ourselves except for those naturally born extroverts.

    I wish you all the best and hope you do what is right for you. You too deserve to be happy.

    (and as a dog lover, sitting here with my dogs, I am glad that your dog is welcome there too!!
    2918 days ago
    2920 days ago
    Give yourself a chance and go:-)
    2920 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10163029
    emoticon if you don't do it, then you didn't fail... but u r where u r.... but if you do try it, you might not fail and things might be better. If it doesn't work... that means it didn't work... not that you failed... and then u r where u r now... so what is to lose?

    I do understand how heartbreaking and sad it is when we regain weight. I have done that most of my life... but when it is so hard and so dark... look at your 2 choices. Lay down and wait to die or do something.

    What do you want to do?


    if you don't know... try this... plug your nose and don't let go...

    your body will tell you... ;)

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2921 days ago
    If your dad is okay with it, you should definitely go for it. A brand new chapter in your life....how exciting !
    2921 days ago
  • BAM0827
    I've thought about you and your situation a lot today so ignore me if you're tired of hearing from me :)

    But, it reminded me of a therapy session I had years ago (I went to therapy for about a year in my mid 20s). He asked me something about an early memory or something or another and I remember telling him about moving to where I live now in first grade. It was in the middle of the school year and we visited on the day there was a Valentine's Day party. The teacher invited me to stay for the party and I so afraid, shy, etc I didn't want to stay so my mom took me home. The therapist said my mom should have made me stay. That it was safe and by giving into that fear (even though she didn't think of it that way, I'm sure she thought she was being kind/helpful) it told my subconscious that it was OK to live with that fear. Every time I didn't take a chance, it was further telling my subconscious it is OK.

    I really keep that in mind now on so many things. I still consider myself to be "shy" (which my therapist explained isn't a feeling but rather an action/inaction)but getting better but there was a point I wouldn't call for pizza. I have to tell myself not to keep putting myself further into that hole. It is almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Every time I call for pizza, I am affirming. Everytime I have someone else do something that I could easily do, I'm subconsiciously going to that dark place.

    Don't keep putting yourself in your own hole, don't tell your self-conscious bad things. You can so take this step to a life you have wanted since I've "known" you. Keep assuring yourself that you can do it and remember that a lot of baby steps add up to great things.
    2921 days ago
    sometimes you have to take the adventure, to me it seems like you have given your all to try and make island life work, and it simply isn't. is there anyone else who can take care of your dad? cane one of the rooms be given to a nurse or someone qualified who can stay at the house for free in exchange for taking care of him?

    a new start would re-ignite your spark i am almost sure of it. i am with you always. xoxo!
    2922 days ago
    Wow, this is a big decision. On the one hand you have the life you are familiar with. You're not happy, and you're not appreciated for what you contribute to your Father, but you're used to it. On the other hand you have a scary new opportunity. There you will have friendship, respect, a job, and a room of your own.

    If you take this opportunity your Father will not be alone. He has roommates. Your family will have to step up and fill in. It's funny how people do what they have to do when there's nobody else to do it.

    And you have a chance to find your spark again. You will have something to wake up for, something new to focus on, and a friend to share your day with. You will have emotional support..... and money!

    In my life the big rewards only came with a leap of faith. Whenever I got stuck I would just spin and spin in my misery until something came along that I could grab on to and hold on for dear life. This may be your God Given opportunity to pull yourself out of your stuck place.

    Whatever you choose, please remember that there are lots of people who care about you.
    emoticon emoticon
    2922 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7488603
    Wow this is a huge decision. Think of the opportunity... a new start. It will be scary but I feel that you can handle the job. You are much smarter than you give yourself credit for. Much braver and stronger as well. I cannot make the decision for you but I know that you have the ability to succeed. If you believe I would say pray on it, if not then look at the issue carefully, not frightfully and do what your heart guides you to do. Hugs ya my friend. It is so nice to see you again. You were missed. As for the weight, it came off once and it will come off again, do not count that as a failure merely a setback from which you shall rebound and we will be here to share it with you and support you. Your Sparkfriend Doug.
    2922 days ago
    If you remember, we started our journey's very close to the same time and had the same end goal. I, too, have gained most of my lost weight back...though I never lost nearly as much as you. You left me in your dust! emoticon Go back and re-read the blog posts you posted back then.

    I know you care deeply about your father and it hurts that he isn't more supportive of you. I know you feel a responsibility to him, I get that. Think back to last summer, if you were working from sun up to 1 am, you weren't taking care of him much then either.

    This may come out uncaring and possibly even mean but you have the rest of your life to live. Your dad isn't going to get any better, you aren't going to nurse him back to health. But this move, this job, this new start may be exactly what you need.

    I know you are scared and think you can't go home and will end up on the streets but you are more resourceful than that. You will pick yourself up and move on just as you always have. Do this for you! Do this as a gift to your future self.
    2922 days ago
  • BAM0827
    I was reading along feeling sad that you're so sad and then get to the part about the opportunity for you to move and get a full-time job and got SOOOO excited. What an awesome opportunity for you! Scary, sure, but also your window (or door) to the world you have been so longing to be a part of.

    You can't live your life for your dad. Heck, you even said he's disappointed in you for not working - well, here is you opportunity to make him proud. Your family won't help with your dad - I think you have the right to live your life for you. It's time that they stepped up. Maybe they haven't up to this point because you've been there so they figured you can do it. If you're not there then it MAY be different. But if they don't, well then your dad will have to take care of himself. You've put yourself 2nd for way too long. Full-time job means you'll have days off - you can visit your dad. Don't let him be your excuse any longer.

    You can do this. You survived your horrific summer last year. You survived your surgeries. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You really are!

    My nephew (who is only 15) has some quotes on his Facebook page. I think they're applicable to your situation-
    -I can accept failure, everyone fails at something. But I can't accept not trying.-Michael Jordan

    -I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. Michael Jordan

    You want to be free - it seems like the world is giving you an opportunity to do that right now! Don't pass it up.
    2922 days ago
    What do i have to lose? Not much. Just the last peace of my sanity - I am so low I am afraid I won't cut it and then I will have had another failure ... and maybe won't be able to come home again...and end up on the street. That's my fear.
    As for the family to help dad out - that ain't gonna happen! :(
    2922 days ago
    Take a chance - take a risk---adventure---try something! What have you got to loose? emoticon
    2922 days ago
    You mentioned that your family is upset at you for gaining the weight back. If you have another family member on the island they can step up and care for your Dad while you are on the mainland working and finding your spark. This sounds like a great opportunity for you! FEAR can be paralyzing but it can also be motivating. I followed your journey when you lost the weight and you inspired me so much, I know you can do it again but more importantly you have to believe that YOU can do it again. Take a deep breath, have faith and jump into your new adventure. Everything will work out for you!

    Bonnie emoticon
    2922 days ago
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