I am so scared, so cornered
Thursday, April 05, 2012
I wish I were free!!!!
I live on this island, such a pretty island...My dog is so happy here. I love this island, and I hate it, too.
I live with my dad. I am 40yo. Unemployed. I can only get summer jobs, low paid, over tourist season. I never have any money. I always have to hear it from my dad who is old and disappointed in me.
last year was so hard for me. I had gotten to an inch from my ideal weight, and then had two surgeries, and one of them didn't help at all, the one on my leg. It's still swelling like mad. The other one, on my breast reduction, left me unhappy at the end. one is bigger, the nipples do not look very good...But still, I am ok with them being more up then down.
Then I started working 3 weeks after this surgery, and have worked for 5 and a half months without a day off. I got tired, mostly emotionally. The fact that I worked all day and until 1am in the mornings, did not help. I had no time to start working out again, and little by little, it all ended me. I got almost all the lost weight back. And more importantly, I have no spark left, no strength.
With the spark shining bright and strong, I was invincible. Now I am nowhere.
My family can't forgive me gaining weight, they keep telling me to just do it again, they do not hear me when I say I am too low to move anything. I have, once again, nothing to wear.
I am looking for another job this year. And I am tired of summer jobs. We are about to face financial ruin soon, even with two rooms rented out, mine included. (oh, yeah, I slept on a sofa that is really a love seat size, all summer long)
So, in my desperation, someone offered a help. It is an amazing thing. A blog pal of mine, an old one, offered me AND MY DOG a room in her house, free of rent, I'd be just paying part of the bills. And she got me a full time job.
But it's not here, at home, not on my island. I would have to leave my 80yo dad alone. I would have to move my dog and myself to a city on mainland.
I am scared. So very scared. I try to find a full time job here, have been trying for years, and it isn't happening.
I am scared and I should have an answer for the boss to be and this friend of mine ASAP. It's a big, huge decision. A big gamble. I huge adventure for tired old me. I am so scared. I don't know where to turn, what to do... With all the job hunting, and now this, my stomach hurts all day. from the moment I open my eyes in the morning, and late into the night, when it takes me hours to fall asleep.
The fear parralises me.