2 years ago today :(
Sunday, December 08, 2013
Today is the two year anniversary of the death of my father. I have been a bundle of nerves for nearly two weeks. Its a count down every year. This year it started early with my life long best friend being hospitalized for her diabetes being out of control. My aunt had another stroke, November 23. I have lost count of how many this. She as been bed ridden in a nursing home for the last 24 months. She continues to have strokes and go into a coma state for up to a week then wake up a week later talking. We are amazed. She will be 93 on Christmas Day. November 25th, my mom's best friend and co-worker of 23 years unexpectedly passed away. I also knew her and worked with her in the 80's and early 2000's although different departments. Thanksgiving day, during desert, my niece called I thought now we are all here at the table except.... Dec 2 the last time I spoke with my father. For 6 days my sister and I stayed with him and watched him die. My mom stayed at night. Two years ago today I held his hand for the last time, watched him take his last breath, slip away from us, his grand kids, the holidays to come all the promise the future held. I have cycled between depression, anger, and tears, I've gained all the weight back I lost plus in 2011. Now I'm angry but I'm angry at him for loving cigarettes more than his family. He was angry he had cancer and treated us horribly. It wasn't our fault we didn't give him cancer. He had stage IV cancer and kept smoking two plus packs a day. Then he was angrier when the chemo didn't work. His sister died of the same cancer, she wouldn't quit either , nor would his father. His oncologist told him the there was a good change treatment would work if he quit smoking, but he wouldn't even try. Instead he lied to his doctor and told him he quit . Had he quit he would have been sitting at the table on Thanksgiving eating his favorite deviled eggs with the granddads. He would be spending hours in the garage putting together all the toys for the kids. Our table or tables would be full again. There would be laughter and practical jokes. But we are moving on my mom is selling the house she bought a condo across the street from me a few days ago. She's going to retire. A big step for her. Interesting for me as we are a bit like fire and gasoline from time to time. The point being is its time to move on from other losses. No matter old a loss is. Its time to move on from the loss of Sam. We can lose people, things can change, jobs can change, life changes. We can hold the memories in our hearts, but we can not keep our feet and lives steered toward the past. I need to move forward forgive myself for my mistakes like not visiting my dad enough, gaining the weight back, and whatever crazy garbage I had floating through my head the last few weeks. Conquer the future.