183 and 212 - I have come so far
Thursday, June 26, 2014
In thinking about my heaviest, I have two weights. My heaviest ever was 212, right before giving birth to my daughter. I gained 42 pounds during my pregnancy. It was hard to lose the weight, but I have done so. I know I gained more than my doctor recommended, and I've been blessed to have lost that. Plus a little more. I believe this was the easier loss of the two, but only because of things I had to discover and learn. Before that, about 14 years ago, I was 183. I dated someone who liked to eat out, who enjoyed junk food as much as I did, and who seemed to want to keep me heavier than he was. However, he also liked to poke fun at my weight or comment on it as much as possible. It really hurt me to hear it, and I usually turned to ice cream to help soothe the pain. More often than not, I'd sit down with my ice cream and comfort myself by watching movies that made me laugh. Before I knew it, I was hitting the bottom of the ice cream container, and I wanted more. Or so I thought. I hit a vicious cycle of emotional eating during that time and didn't truly wake up to what I had done to myself until years later - long after I broke the cycle and long after the guy. The wake up call for me during my "ice cream soother" stage was about a month after it began when none of my clothes fit, and I had to buy more. He did too, since he'd also gained weight. He drove us to a store, and we both tried on and got some clothes. That night in the shower I cried for a very long time. I didn't like who I had become. That next week (ironically at a pizza place), I filled out a form for a free month trial to a local gym. I got a call a couple days later. He went with me. We both heard the spiel, signed up, and also got a trainer. He only stuck with it long enough to get back in his old clothes. I kept up with it longer, and I eventually lost 45 pounds. However, I hadn't recognized my emotional eating as a problem. So, the ice cream habit stuck, but I just walked more or worked out more to "balance" it out. At least that's how I saw it. I left the gym when I moved away from the city and the guy. I still went for walks and did a few workout videos in my living room. It wasn't until I'd come across SparkPeople that I recognized the emotional eating for what it really was. I think that's been about six years ago now. Anyway, it also wasn't until that time, and in talking with friends that the ex and I shared, that I realized he really did like me being heavier than him. Sadly, he never really cared what he was doing to me, to my emotional well-being. I didn't realize that, until I'd left, I allowed it to happen. I'm fortunate that I saw that he was not right for me at some point and managed to leave when I did. It took me a long time to get over the unhealthiness of that relationship with a little therapy, in talking with friends, and in meeting someone who has always supported me in everything. The last few years have been a roller coaster of ups and downs, but it's been an amazing journey as well. The man I am with now truly loves me for me, for how I am, but he also supports my healthier lifestyle. He's the one right beside me when I want to give up and pushes me to do just ten more minutes. He's the one telling me I CAN do this and that I've already come so far. He tells me to look at our beautiful daughter and see the blessings bestowed upon me. He's the one who shows me where he can see a difference in my shape or my endurance and helps me keep a chart posted, so I actually see it daily. I know I have a long way to go, but I'm taking it all one day at a time. That's how my journey works best for me. It's not always an easy journey, but I know this is the path I choose to get to a healthier me. It began with tears of pain and ice cream, but the tears I shed now are happy ones for how far I have come.