Stopping my Slow Suicide by Spoon

First, I want to state that I am fully aware each overweight / obese person has an individual story and reasons for being overweight / obese.

I don't know the exact reason I binge and consistently reach for food when emotional. I do know it started when I was 8. I would hide food, overeat, feel guilty then start the cycle again the next day.

Sounds familiar?

It does to me as well. Here I am at 35 and still battling what I today began to call 'my slow suicide by spoon'. I have gained and lost weight all my life. Again, does that sound familiar?

Yep.

It sucks.

In April of 2013, I completed a half marathon. I had shed nearly 100 pounds and thought I had this weight issue licked. Sound familiar?

Well, when negative emotions hit me hard after the half marathon, I did not have my weight problem licked. Instead, I was licking every spoon I could find. My weight skyrocketed and now I am at nearly my peak weight from 3 years ago.

This morning, I had a revelation. I took part in a Suicide Prevention walk with my mother in law. Before the walk, 3 survivors of suicide shared their stories. As I stood there with my history of a suicide attempt, hospitalization and ongoing struggles with suicide ideation, I realized that I have been

RATIONALIZING

that I wasn't hurting my loved ones because I am on medication and no longer in the depths of depression.

But I am hurting them. I am hurting them with each binge, with each time I hide food and drown my emotions in food.

Because compulsive overeating will led to an early grave. Binging will take me from them just as surely as suicide.

So, I am saying

NO!

I am saying YES to life.

I am saying HELL YES I need help.

My goals are simple for the next 7 days.

Log my food.

Get 5,000 steps a day.

Find/make appointment for a specialist in eating disorders.

Today I stop my slow suicide by spoon. I am taking the first, very scary step toward TRULY dealing with my emotional eating. My obesity won't be cured by fitness goals, food tracking or all the spark support in the world.

My emotional eating will never be cured because I am a food addict. What I CAN do is admit my complete inability to control my eating and seek help.

I am scared. I am anxious. I bravely say............