CIPHER1971

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Sometimes life is a well .........

Sunday, June 28, 2015

.......... and you are at the bottom of it.

This will not be an upbeat blog, today I went to that dark place ....... the one any of you who suffer / have suffered depression know about.

For me it is a place where I am worthless, and meaningless ......... I ponder my right to draw another breath.......... I think how much better off the world would be without me in it ............. I want to not be ............ not so much to end as to just not be, I am not sure if that resonates with you or not, but that is how I felt......

To be honest, I think I am unlike to ever top myself ....... I was brought up with an incredibly strong sense of responsibility, so I can't leave things undo, and I can't just leave my burdens to someone else ...........

Today my eldest said if I ever l left her father she would have to care for him - that is an over my dead body kind of thing - my husband is a waste of space, and I will not let my daughter waste her life being his carer - though I know that builds a cage for me

I am in the middle of a project at work, as it is a solo project with wide reaching implications, I would be letting down everyone if I gave up.

My youngest ......... the trigger (this time) ............ is on a collision course with disaster ......... she won't listen to anyone, she is always right and if you try to have a discussion with her then you just aren't listening. In her opinion I never listen to her (but nor does anyone else!), I favour her sister (I could give examples to prove I don't, but lets just say she can't see all the times I favour her, the scales are balanced), basically she called me an uncaring and neglectful mother, and I took it to heart because I don't have the money to give her what she wants. I wonder how she became so materialistic, because I am not, and her big sister isn't, and her dad isn't......... anyway at some point she is going to need me, to be there, to pick her up , put her on her feet, to listen to her rant how whatever it was wasn't her fault it was due to X or because of Y, and I will bite my tongue and not say I told you so, and five minutes later she will be telling me what a rubbish mum I am ..... but that is who she is.

My hubby would last about a month without someone, for all sorts of reasons ...........I spend so much time trying to make the family self sufficient.

Anyway - I got to that low point - I cried and I hurt and I thought about how to not be - then I kicked myself up the bum and went for a cycle ride, as I had that planned for today.......

Now I feel better ............ I am so lucky I can kick myself up the backside and it works (not recommended for others to do to friends or family with depression - we have to work out our own answers) ............ but the well is always there ............ deep and dark ............ cold and lonely to stay in, but hard and painful to climb out of ...............

Nuff said - movin' on
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • ENDUROVET
    I am so sorry I missed this blog of yours (probably scrabbling at the sides of my own deep dark well)... Hopefully the worst of this storm has now passed.

    emoticon emoticon
    1717 days ago
  • WINDYCITYCYNDEE
    It sucks that I missed this when you wrote it, but I do relate to that feeling. It has to be hard when those you live with pull you down. I have one person in my life who is at times a burden but mainly it is my own expectations of myself and dislike of things going on in the world. I know your work is important to you but depression makes it hard to perform. I can completely relate to that.

    You know that we think you are an inspiration and please reach out to us so we can help in any way we can.

    I did try that hypnosis for sleep which is also for depression and anxiety, by Jody Whiteley. You will want to laugh at her voice because she sounds like a robot at times, but it helped me to sleep and improve my mood. emoticon
    1720 days ago
  • ZELLAZM
    A hug and a prayer for you today. I'm sorry you've been in that pit but happy you found a way out. Know that your people here care about you and are here to support you. I'm reading this over a week later, so I don't know where you're at. Praying it's a better place!
    1731 days ago
  • SCRAPPYGAMBLER
    I have never been depressed, but I have had an unruly teenager, and let me tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel! They do grow up, move out and get married. Then wonders of all wonders... guess who they go to for advice or help with problems? Yes, you! There is a saying on Facebook that is going around that says "don't get upset when parents ask for help with technology because they are the ones who taught you how to use a spoon!" Stand strong a bit longer :) Hugs!!!!
    1733 days ago
  • FLASUN
    M, I'm sorry you feel you are at the bottom of a well.... with all your energy/strength & success I admire you and wouldn't let what your children have said to you hurt you so badly.......Your picture of your daughters prom was beautiful. You are beautiful and deserve to feel proud of where you are in life....a very strong woman!!!! emoticon
    Keep on that emoticon and hold your head up high!!!! Throw a penny in a well and your wishes will come true.
    1734 days ago
  • KATELJM
    M, I truly believe that some days, we just have to make it through that day, and that is a triumph of its own.

    You are an inspiration to me, and to your children. Even to the youngest with the cliche teenage materialism and know-it-all-ism.

    Especially during trying times, I pray for guidance and pray for Him to carry my burdens for me. It helped me and I felt lighter.
    1739 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/2/2015 1:40:13 AM
  • EVER-HOPEFUL
    emoticon
    1740 days ago
  • ZANNACHAN
    I am so sorry that you were in such a dark place; I hope that things are looking better for you know, and maybe posting and the support here helped. Depression is a real and serious issue, and it sounds like you have enough challenging things in your life without depression on top of it. *hugs* Are you seeing a therapist to help with the depression? A therapist can give valuable insight from the outside, see things you can't because you are too close to it.

    You are a wonderful mom and amazing, dedicated, inspiring person, even if you can't always see it for yourself.

    *more hugs*
    1741 days ago
  • KATIE5668
    M..I feel ya...I been there..and indeed like you I made a cage of my own commitment .
    For your oldest to say what she did was unthinking..and for the younger one..ahh who knows what causes them to decide that "things" are the answer. Cruel hateful statements cut to the heart I know!

    I was so glad to hear you got out for a bike ride and that it did help. Each of us needs to find that place, activity that will be our "safe" zone for us to turn to when the darkness wraps it tentacles around our hearts and minds!

    Know that I am here..we are here to listen and to just be with you in spirit .
    Tis a one day at a time all any of us can do.
    I am glad you feel able to vent here ..where people care..admire and yes even look up to you! Know you are in my thoughts daily my friend..take care of you!!
    1741 days ago
  • MYTHMYTH
    emoticon M, I am so sorry that you are feeling like this. As parents sometimes we can't do anything right in our kids eyes. Even when you know that they are acting that way because they are frustrated and unhappy with themselves , it still doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Just remember that you need to take care of you or you aren't going to be able to take care of anybody else emoticon
    1742 days ago
  • JAIZWAYS
    M emoticon Sorry that you are feeling like you are in a deep dark well.
    Many of us know how tough it is. ALL teenagers try our patience. They live for "me and my best friend, today and next week". They are unable to stand back and see the big picture as the world revolves around them. Unfortunately your DH is also very needy and like a big kid. This means that you feel as though you are in this alone. YOU ARE NOT. We are all here to support you and it is emoticon That you got out for a bike ride and that you came here to vent. Feel free to vent anytime. My Grandma used to say " a trouble shared is a trouble halved" and I have found that to be so true.
    I hope your family soon recognizes the strong,capable, caring woman that we all see.
    1742 days ago
  • CHOCOHOLIC2276
    Yes your life matters. I understand depression, have struggled with it for years. I know what that pit feels like.

    Your daughter is a teenager, not to justify her behavior but they think they know everything and throw their own version of a tantrum when they don't get their way. Usually lashing out at their parents. No I don't have kids but my friends have teenagers and your story echoes in what they are going through.

    whether she sees it or not, you are her rock. You are so valuable- beautiful human being. Never doubt your life touches many many others.
    1742 days ago
  • COOLMAMA11
    I have been in that well also M, it is a terrible way to feel. Kids can be cruel in their teens, it is usually all about them, but they do out-grow that stage. You are such an inspiration to all of us here on Spark. I'm glad you chose exercise and here to vent, it really helps to clear the clutter from your mind, just know we are here for you, I have come to respect you so much for showing us that dedication and perseverance will take us to success, but we have to be willing to do the work! emoticon
    1742 days ago
  • PRNCSCUP1-2FULL
    I am sending hugs across the ocean to you!! That well is deep and dark and lonely. But, I am glad you were able to kick your own butt and get out for that ride!! To me, it is so sad that your oldest daughter feels that she will have to care for your husband if you leave him. That does put you in a cage and I do hate that for you!! As for youngest, well, I don't recall ever hearing how old she is, but she sounds like a teenager. For some reason they all tend to get materialistic and want what everyone else has, or what they think everyone else has! Recently while talking to a childhood friend I told her how jealous I was of her when she was a teen because her dad gave her everything. She said she was jealous of me because my parents gave me everything! Come to find out her dad was trying to buy her love after he left her mother for another woman. And, I had to buy everything I had myself! Anyhow, just a point that eens are clueless as you already know! You may not feel it, but if you simply took yourself away from Spark People you would be missed. Just reading what you are up to on the friend feed is important to me in ways I can't really explain. Getting an encouraging response from you on a blog means the world to me! You touch lives in ways of which you can never be fully aware! Remember, you are never alone.... Even at the bottom of the well.... I hope you can put the depression behind you and keep moving forward! I know it ain't easy. I need medication to help me! Glad you came here and vented! Do it whenever you want or need to!!
    1742 days ago
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