Having a rough night
Friday, September 18, 2015
I am having a rough night. Part of the reason I joined this site, and am trying to make these changes, was not just to lose weight, but to prevent myself from slipping back into a debilitating depression, and gaining another 50lbs. I know that a big part of the reason I am so overweight right now, is because a few years back, when things got REALLY out of control with my teenage son, I felt so alone, so overwhelmed, so crushingly depressed, all I did was eat, sleep, and cry most of the time. When my kids left for school, there were days I literally stayed in bed and bawled my eyes out, until they came home. I was being eaten alive by guilt, and fear. It might sound drastic, and dramatic, but my son is not like ordinary kids, with ordinary kid problems. He has severe emotional issues, and for years, he took them out on me, and his little brothers, and anyone foolish enough to get close to me. When he was 13, he was removed from my home for all of our safety. It was devastating, but also, it was a relief. Of course, feeling relief, made me feel even more guilty, and depressed. Vito is 15 now. For the past two years, he has been placed in different treatment centers, and I have worked closely with his social worker, and various case workers, and therapists, trying to get us all through this. With Vito out of the house, I eventually began to come out of my depression, and was more able to work on the goals I wanted to for our whole family. I missed him, and wanted him home, but I knew I couldn't be the kind of help he needed. Last month, Vito was released from treatment. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I felt like we had learned a lot, and grown, and I wanted my baby home. It has been a big change for everyone. It is really, really, hard. I knew there were going to be problems, and I told myself to be strong for him, but it gets to me. I flash back to my old self for brief moments, and it's all I can do not to cry. Tonight I was having one of those moments. My boyfriend took me to the store, and I almost broke down into tears in the middle of Wal-Mart. I cannot be that person anymore. My twins need me, Vito needs me, even my boyfriend needs me to be strong. I decided to come home and write about it here, get it out, and let it go. I think it's working. I feel a little better now. I have taken deep breaths, sat alone in my room for a few minutes to take a break, and now I feel ready to rejoin the family, eat some dinner, and relax. I think sometimes I just need to talk to someone, even if it's myself in the form of a blog, and just let it out. I'm not going to give in, I'm not going to give up, and I'm not going to fall into that old nasty depression. It will be okay. It's just one rough night.