Old Binge, New Body
Friday, June 17, 2016
I am in the middle of finals for my first year of grad school which is unbearably stressful (I am taking a few minutes to write this as stress therapy...) I haven't done much self-care because I find studying more therapeutic for dealing with stress. When I try and do other things I feel guilty the whole time that I'm not studying. Basically I've been on a really disciplined study schedule (which includes waking up at 4:45am every morning) for the past 2 weeks (only 1 week to go!).
Today I went to a coffee shop to study and there weren't a lot of healthy options, so I had a blueberry muffin and some black coffee. Since I started this lifestyle change in early spring I've made a point to let myself have whatever I'm craving on a regular basis so that I wouldn't be tempted to binge. I am just careful to keep calories reasonably close to 1,200-ish per day. For lunch I then had a grilled cheese with a side salad.... and then had a latte. At this point I was getting pretty dang close to my daily limit and figured maybe I would just skip dinner. BAD IDEA! I got home and just couldn't handle all the self-discipline... too much studying and stress and not enough nutrition.
For the first time in several months I binged on crap! 1,000 calories worth of crap! And for the first time EVER I'm actually GLAD this happened! It felt so much different than when I've binged in the past. This time rather than really CRAVING the food I was binging, I felt like I was fighting myself for too much self discipline, like fighting a parent- I just wanted to prove to myself that I could give myself a break when I really needed (I realize this seems funny). Anyway I honestly did not enjoy it!! I binged on sugar-packed foods, which I eat in very small quantities on a regular basis. Eating A LOT of chocolate or A LOT of cookies wasn't enjoyable anymore! My mouth burned from all the sugar I had eaten and my taste buds felt burnt out. I had an acid feeling in the back of my throat. I had raided my kitchen and had a bunch of unhealthy food out- but after I went through the equivalent of 4 unhealthy snacks, I realized this binge ISN'T making me feel good like it normally would!! I had a pack of 8 Oreos and literally forced myself to finish the last two because I thought I should be enjoying this binge that I allowed myself to have. Instead my mouth tasted super sugary and burnt. At that point I COMPLETELY WILLINGLY put all the crappy food away! I legitamately didn't want to eat it! Wow what a change from my old self. I will keep enjoying my crappy food in small quanities on a regular basis (I have a huge sweet tooth!!) but it is such a relief to know that binging doesn't feel good or taste good anymore.
I then went to do laundry and pick up the house a bit- DANG that ACTUALLY felt good to get organized and to have a clean space! It definitely helps with my stress level too. Maybe I'll start binge cleaning instead hehe.