P63626
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day 9

Sunday, November 13, 2016

I feel like I am reading a lot of posts on the feed lately of people hating themselves, or feeling like failures. I get it- I've been there before. I really think that one of the reasons I'm on such a high and in a good place is: 1) I have resisted binging for a while And 2) I have CHOSEN to be positive, even when I think of all the weight I have to lose. Guys, we CANNOT lose weight 50+ pounds if we hate ourselves. Even if we manage to somehow, by the grace of God lose it with self-loathing inside us, we'll hate ourselves after we lose it, too. After we lose the weight we will have stretch marks, we will have cravings, we might even binge AFTER we reach your goal weight, we might even have (*GASP*) LOOSE SKIN!! oh the horror!! Now, I understand the self-loathing that comes after a binge. I remember being stressed, driving to McDonalds, so excited because I was about to calm the thoughts of stress inside me- it was the only way to keep from having a nervous breakdown. I remember eating, and that Dopamine release inside me feeling so good, everything was going to be alright. It was like a switch. ...and then I remember all the empty cartains and wrappers around me and the realization that I had just consumed 5,000 calories. Or maybe the days when instead of eating it all in one sitting, eating junk food all day long- a slow binge. Consuming 6 or 7 thousand calories while I sat and watched TV. Ha, I wonder what my husband thought when he came home and literally, all the food he had seen in the cabinet before he went to work was gone when he got home. Bless his heart, he never ever said one thing about it. Because of my binging that's spanned over about 6 years now, I have 130 pounds to lose. 130!!! I weigh 300 pounds. I can't even believe it. But even in the midst of all that- I decided I would love myself. I am important and stronger than I realized- and you are, too!! You're FREAKING awesome. October 10 I was sitting in my car. I wanted to binge. My husband and I had gotten in a fight, I had tons of work to catch up on and I had spent too much money shopping and had to stretch the paycheck. I was so low. I needed a release and simply decided--"no." I went back inside and sat down and CRIED. I cried so hard. It was so unfair that my addiction had to be food. I regained composure and turned on the TV. I grabbed my coloring book and started to color. If I could make it until my husband got home I wouldn't do it- I was too embarrassed to binge in front of him. I literally checked the clock every hour- one hour to the next. For lunch I had a weight watcher meal (honestly if I didn't have a meal I could have just warmed up I may not have made it.) He finally came home...I made us dinner. I went to bed. I had made it. Refusing to binge just ONE time will change your life- I promise. You are strong enough to refuse to give in to ONE binge...and then, later... Refuse that ONE binge. Do I still want to binge? Oh man, yes. Almost daily. But the ability to refuse to binge gets easier. With every choice to refuse a binge, your self confidence will SKY ROCKET. WE can do this!! Because WE are awesome!!
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