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Christmas Letter - Part 2 of 4

Wednesday, November 15, 2017


If you tuned in yesterday, then you know because my Christmas letter turns into more of a book, I am bringing this to you in installments. Note that this is the actual letter that my family and friends will be receiving this year (except you get a few extra pictures cuz you are special). Most of them know to expect a letter where I use absolutely no filters whatsoever. They just shake their heads and look at it as free bird cage liner.

Without further ado, here is the continuation of your own personal advanced copy:


1st brilliant thought: Why do we say “happy” in front of every holiday? Like “Happy Memorial Day”, seriously? I grit my teeth every time someone says it. I want to shout at them “Listen to yourself? What the heck do you mean by saying Happy?!? Do dead soldiers really make you happy?” So don’t say it, ever, or I will disown you. Now that that is off my chest…

I am writing this on Veterans Day, which is what made me think of that whole happy before the holiday thought. I am early in writing this because someone was having a bad day at work and requested it. As a people pleaser, I like to meet their needs. (BTW, am I the only person that thinks there needs to be an apostrophe in Veterans?) (Sorry, my inner grammar nerd is coming out. I will Google it and find out the answer. Too bad I didn't do that before this long winded diatribe.) (Yep, I still digress because my mind is a digression zone.) Now I don’t know why I get Veterans Day off. It makes me feel a little guilty. Like I am getting a gift I don’t deserve. (IXOYE). Not that I am going to refuse it mind you, but it has always felt a little odd. You can lump Columbus Day and Pulaski Day in there too.


2nd brilliant thought: I am a taxpayer. As a taxpayer, I believe I deserve my own road. Speed limit would be whatever I deem it. There I was driving along and this old guy in a Buick was going 10 under the limit. GET OFF MY ROAD! Then a young guy in a Corvette was only going 5 over the limit. It is a Corvette. I know it can go faster than that. GET OFF MY ROAD! Now I am behind an old dude in a red sedan. (I am not a car person, so I usually don’t know cars. Just be impressed that I knew red and sedan.) He has perfected the 5-minute turn. I am literally behind him yelling TURN! TURN! TURN! Again, GET OFF MY ROAD! Pace bus. Can’t they have their own lane? Don’t be letting people off at Dunkin Donuts. No one needs donuts. GET OFF MY ROAD! Police car that everyone artificially slows down for. Really people? Read the side. This isn’t even his jurisdiction. He is NOT going to stop you. ALL Y’ALL, GET OFF MY ROAD! Woman in cream colored Lexus SUV. Finally, someone is driving according to my rules of the road. She can stay. High five. Butterflies. Unicorns. Glitter. Oh yeah.


3rd brilliant thought: If I ever get a tattoo, it is going to be of Sonic the Hedgehog, and it is going to say “Gotta Go FAST!”. Bub thinks a Pac Man tattoo would be cooler. He says, and I quote, “Pac Man is the greatest, most complex, and profound character of all time.” So wrong, which is why Bub has to still live with me until he learns Sonic is way cooler than Pac Man. Doesn’t he know Pac Man turns into a whining banana when he dies? In what way is that cool? Bub says he turns inside himself because of his complex nature. Whatever.

4th brilliant thought: (Aren’t you glad I am labeling these for you so that you don’t get lost?) I am socially awkward. Anyone who has spent more than 5-minutes with me knows that. There are times where I can just see the look of confusion/discomfort on people’s faces. I wish Hallmark made a card that I could hand out. It would say “I apologize for this socially awkward moment. Believe me, it was as painful for me as it was for you. I was already riding on the awkward bus, and couldn’t figure out how to get off. Next time, don’t make eye contact and we may both be saved this uncomfortable interlude.” The first recipients would be my pastor, my cousins Jim and Marsha, the new superintendent at my school district, and anyone that has stood in line with me at the grocery store. (Maybe I need a card for Christmas letter recipients too?)


5th brilliant thought: If you know me, I am not a singer. When *Jack* and I were dating, I started singing with the radio. He reached over and turned the volume up to drown me out. It wasn’t a first date. If it had been, there wouldn’t have been a second date and Antelope and Bub would never have been born. Anyway, digressing, I have decided that I will no longer try to hide my singing in the car to my fellow road drivers by using my completely inadequate ventriloquist abilities. After all, it is my road, and if they don’t like it, they can GET OFF MY ROAD! Whoops, backtracking. I feel that if other people see me sing, dance, wave both hands, and use an air microphone while driving, I will actually be bringing something to their day. They will reach their destination and one of three things will happen: 1) I will have helped them find God. As they depart their car they will fall to the ground weeping and praising Jesus that they didn’t die; 2) They will have an amusing story to tell to others about the crazy lady in the other car; or 3) Out of fear they will find another road to take and I will have accomplished removing some drivers from my road.

See you tomorrow when I post the third installment.

**Post Script: I said I was going to check into that whole apostrophe in Veterans Day. It is because it is a day honoring Veterans, not a day that they own. What would I do without Grammar Girl and Google? The people that receive a hard copy of my letter are not going to know this since they are already printed. Guess they are just going to have to Google it on their own.
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  • DONNALEE-53
    emoticon
    1233 days ago
  • HEALTHYANDFIT27
    Love this! LOL!
    1233 days ago
  • no profile photo CD17927558
    Do Jim and Marsha get rights to your letter? Jack, Antelope and Bub might get jealous. Don't worry about K.C. though. K.C. is having identity issues. 😉🐕❤
    1236 days ago
  • PROVERBS31JULIA
    I've gotta Google the whole Pulaski thing... that was all over in Arkansas when I lived there for two years. Someone claims that if you got the day off, it was cause you are in Illinois?


    Julia
    1236 days ago
  • NANHBH
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    Your family is so lucky to live with you!
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    1237 days ago
  • CANDOIT54
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    1238 days ago
  • BOWDIDDLE
    emoticon Oh what would it be like?
    To be close (geography) to you...I can only imagine! Endless hours of laughter and tears too....Thank you for sharing Julia!
    1238 days ago
  • SUEARNOLD1
    Love it Julia!!!!!!!!!!!1

    Keep on writing!
    1239 days ago
  • 1DAY-ATA-TIME
    Thanks for clearing up the apostrophe thing with Veterans Day. I always used "Veterans'," now I know the difference. And I agree with you regarding Memorial Day. Secondly, having your own road would be cool. You can charge a toll based on how obnoxious the drivers are! Sonic the Hedgehog matches my ADHD personality to a tee! That's how I roll. That why I have the TV on, listening to music, on the computer (SparkPeople) while I have my morning coffee at 9 am after walking and running 9 miles. Read you later . . .
    Ron
    1240 days ago
  • MAIZIEPAIGE
    I was with you on the apostroohe clear up to the definition. I reluctantly gave it up this past year, thinking there was a good reason, but it was difficult. So I guess Mothers Day and Fathers Day lose the apostrophe too. I tend to drive a little faster than slower, and love riding with my husband, who is the only person in the world that knows how to drive correctly. For some reason, him swerving to the right or left while checking his iPhone is ok. He's quick to call in drunk driver for others who do the same. Go figure! Loving your Christmas letter. The ones that are about a perfect family, their talents and accomplishments, and the elaborate vacations bore me. Oops! I hope that isn't part three. If so, I'll forgive you, because you already began with life I can relate to.
    1240 days ago
  • MSLZZY
    emoticon
    1240 days ago
  • PACEKA1
    I'm a bit behind - but I enjoyed the read. And you drive exactly like I do. The absolute worst thing ever is someone driving 10 miles UNDER the speed limit on a one lane road so you can't pass. REALLY!!! And it happens almost every time I drive these days.

    Can't wait to read installment #3.
    1241 days ago
  • GLORIAZ
    Love this! My grandson dressed as Sonic for Halloween! That tells me a lot about you......I love him and you! Great read........You Rock! emoticon emoticon
    1241 days ago
  • LJK091354
    If you get Pulaski day off, you must be from Illinois! ;)
    1242 days ago
  • PWILLOW1
    COOL LETTER, I LIKE IT!
    1242 days ago
  • VIBRANT4LIFE
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    1242 days ago
  • JUSTLYLE
    I just found these, just as I thought, really entertaining for SURE! So happy I'm on your Christmas list! Skeeter
    1242 days ago
  • LOSEDAPOUNDS
    Yay! It's here. I so relate to quirkiness. I am a car singer too and a gym lip syncker...I am fine with "Happy holidays", but every year it gets to be like nails on chalkboard to me answering for the 100th time what I am doing for Thanksgiving, am I cooking and how was my Thanksgiving. Those are such harmless questions too. I think because I had some really unpleasant ones in the past-dad in the hospital very ill, etc. or just because. Anyhoo, I like your sense of humor!
    1242 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/16/2017 7:54:13 AM
  • PATRICIAANN46
    Oh Julia..............You would love my DH's Christmas Letter of 1997. That was the year that he had our two boys and the two of us dress our parts as he described what the highlights of our year were.

    You know those letters where the one who wrote it is absolutely perfect as is her husband, as are her children? Well my DH did just the opposite and wrote that our oldest son had just graduated from the college courses he took while in jail, I had decided to quit teaching and took a much higher paying job as a Madame in a house of ill repute in a nearby city, and on and on. And he sent all of them out....................and we never heard from the perfect people again..............darn!!! I will share your letters with him.

    emoticon
    1242 days ago
  • _LINDA
    My opinion of speeding, aggressive and/or distracted drivers is they all should be arrested, hauled off the road and put in a large cage where they could play bumper cars with each other for the rest of their lives. Just saying. Speed limits were put there for a reason (to save lives) If you could see my Dad (my real one not the Step one) drive, you might change your opinion of speeders who think anyone that doesn't go 160 where 110 is the limit are idiots. The trail of white faces, horns, people swerving into the ditch tells the tale..My sister took a week to come down from the white knuckle stress of that 1000 mile trip with him. Never again. I let her have the front seat so she saw everything while I kept my nose in my kindle the whole time.
    I avoid being socially awkward by being a hermit most of the time, works for me. Playing bridge was the one time I ventured out of my cage. But as my elderly partners die off, I play less and less and get to have a PJ party most days of the week.
    Hey, you managed to get yourself married. I never did. Now you are stuck with it. Enjoy scaring your family members! Always nice to get some excitement in a boring food coma holiday.
    1242 days ago
  • HARROWJET
    I like it. emoticon
    1242 days ago
  • SPARKFRAN514
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon how fun two more you need to add part 5 please and no i won't us it in my bird I don't have one but if i did i would not line the cage . emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1242 days ago
  • LIVEDAILY
    You and my DH would SO get along on the "Get Off My Road" thing. Comments he says ALL THE TIME:
    1. Are you waiting for a particular shade of green?
    2. It's the skinny pedal on the right!!
    3. And my favorite, whenever traffic has crawled to a stop, and we see police lights and hear sirens ahead, my DH says, and I quote, "This better be good. I want to see carnage. Body parts strewn across the road!!" It never is. It's just stupid drivers slowing down to a crawl because they THINK there might be something to see. *sigh*
    1242 days ago
  • SHOCOSS
    I understand completely why your Family & friends wait with anticipation for your Christmas letter. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1243 days ago
  • no profile photo CD15653250
    emoticon emoticon See you tomorrow. emoticon
    1243 days ago
  • GODS-PRINCESS
    emoticon
    1243 days ago
  • BARBARAJ73
    Lucky us to be included on your "mailing list" this year... bringing smiles and head nods across the planet! emoticon

    P.S. Guess I will have to have my own lane... I pull off for DD - coffee that is!

    P.P.S. Please tell Bub at least one other person agrees with him... Pac Man was my first true love and the cause of many a thumb cramp (I'm really old... can't believe P.M. is even still around !!)
    1243 days ago
  • no profile photo CD16401498
    I agree with you again! YES!! I WANT my OWN lane!! emoticon emoticon If we both work in a library in the middle of no where, we can surely have our own lanes to that library in the middle of no where. emoticon
    1243 days ago
  • 1CRAZYDOG
    Awww, c’mon now! How could they use it for bird cage liner! LOL

    Oh girl, you NAILED the “happy thing”! 100%!

    OMG! Definitely in favor of having our own road for ALL those reasons. BWAHAHAHA. Having a hard time seeing where I’m headed through the tears of laughter!

    Poor Bub. That’s all I can say. LOL As he matures he'll realize how lame Pacman is compared to SONIC! It's just FACT!

    YOU???? Socially awkward? Nah, can’t feature that.

    Singing . . . . a powerful weapon, isn’t it! Makes people come to Jesus, appreciate reaching their destination intact, provides an amusing anecdote that most people will figure is made up anyhow and YOU GOT YOUR OWN ROAD. Spark cheers!

    You have me lusting for part 3! Can't wait.


    1243 days ago
  • CRADLEY
    Thank you for sharing this with us!! Can't wait for tomorrow's installment :)
    1243 days ago
  • ONEBLUEMOON
    Marvelous! Thank you for being you! emoticon
    1243 days ago
  • JOHNMARTINMILES
    Great thoughts!

    Keep on keeping on!

    Make today the greatest day of your life…
    emoticon Until tomorrow!

    1243 days ago
  • no profile photo CD15029098
    emoticon I love it! This is my first year reading your Christmas letter! Oh, and Sonic - way better than PacMan!!! I want a road too and agree with the Happy before all holiday wishes - here it ends up being Happy Remembrance day?!?!?! Are you kidding? That is just wrong and I avoid that always. Not sure what word would work but I agree with you Happy is just wrong. Looking forward to part 3.
    1243 days ago
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