Day 22: Say "Oh Well" To Disappointment
Thursday, March 22, 2018
I have been through this book before and this is one of those days that really helped me deal with all of the 'stuff' that seems to keep popping up in my life. The main benefit from this attitude is that it helps keep you from turning to food to assuage your hurt, pain and disappointment. Sometimes, it is easier than other times but it is a very effective way of pulling the plug on starting the cycle of emotional eating over and over again. It means accepting that all of this is 'for real' and it is not a 'dress rehearsal'. It means that I am not in control and probably never was although for a long time I thought I was. It means that no matter how well planned or prepared that I might feel I am life can throw some pretty nasty curve balls and all it may mean that I (and you) will feel like we are having hail storm in our corner of the world we have to remember that we are not exempt from the tragedies of life.
Emotional eating was our blanket of denial that we rolled ourselves up and allowed us to face what was in front of us with a 'smile' and resignation. I no longer do that. I am going to share a photo of me as I am feeling right now. A dear friend said to me recently when you go to the doctor show the 'real you' so they can see the toil of what you are going through. I think this photo will suffice.
I have had a month of acute inflammation in my lower back and right hip. My stomach and digestive system are seriously compromised. I am unable to have a BM on my own so I must rely on mechanical means to get 'the job done'. I am spending my days and nights dealing with recurring flare-ups with my RA; I am bawling, cussing and pounding on anything that won't break my hand. My mouth is so sore from yet another yeast infection (poorly controlled blood sugar) that I can not even chew toast without being in a lot of pain. I have made a lot of food choice mistakes during this time as well. The food that seems to be easiest to eat and also the worse for me is what I seem to be grabbing for. I decided the other day that I would work harder on controlling my blood sugar but today I looked at my lunch and I cried. I said, "I don't want to eat this. It doesn't taste good to me and if I am going to have to struggle to eat something at least I want it to be something I like." Did I say, "Oh well." No, I did not. I am not perfect and this is not my shining moment either.
I asked my husband to bring me a meal (what limited food I can eat) from a fast food. The healthier food (which tastes very bland to me right now) will be put back into the refrigerator. I will eat it when my emotions and pain have settled down. Right now, I am waiting on my pain meds to kick in. I feel frustrated and I am just going to sit with that feeling for the time being. I am more than disappointed at this point. I am weary and wore out from what I am trying to bear. If "oh well" could have a synonym then for me right now it would be 'resignation'. I have resigned myself that this is happening and that I will feel the feelings and express them. Does it make me feel better? No, but they are out and I do know that when this horrific time passes I will not be any heavier than when it started and I won't have resorted to emotional eating.
So, this past week I didn't lose any weight but I also didn't regain any either. I didn't eat as healthy as I would have preferred but I made the best choices for me under the circumstances. I didn't exercise because just walking from my bedroom to the kitchen (I live in a 1100 sq. ft. 2 bedroom apartment) causes me agony in my right hip and back. So, instead of focusing on my weight loss I have only one thing to say, "Oh, well." I mean it. I accept that this was a less than stellar week but I do know that once this has passed I can have as many great weeks as I am willing to bring that on.
In the meantime, I accept that today is what it is and that is that. "Oh, well."