Binging, eating, and living...
Wednesday, June 19, 2019
I've been mentally writing a blog for a few days, and as I mentally tweaked and crossed out and rewrote, it occurred to me that I had no idea the last time that I had blogged. Turns out, it was in early 2015.
Holy cow! What a journey! When I look back on my previous blogs, my heart hurts a little. Not in regret, oh no! "I will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." My heart hurts for the young woman that I was and the pain that I was in. I don't think I realized it at the time. But really...it's all water under the bridge, and I'm a better person for it, so onward and upward!
A little about me:
I was (probably) one of the original Sparkers. That is, 11 years ago, I was incredibly active on this site, and I learned to run (and love running), I learned to eat for fuel (and love taking care of my body), and I learned how to support and be supportive. I sometimes reflect on that time "when I was healthy and running". On Thanksgiving of 2009, I got hurt during a run. (Turns out that I tore my hip labrum.) In December of 2009, my marriage fell apart, and my life pretty much blew up. In keeping with a lifetime of bad habits and self-destructive behaviors, I allowed those two events to derail me for....well...for 10+ years!
Except. I wasn't totally derailed. That is, I was for about 2 years, when I did nothing but drink and feel sorry for myself. But in July of 2011, I got sober. Which is when the real work (sort of) began. In the past 8 years, I've started and stalled a bunch of diet plans, but I've not really worked out with any earnestness (that brief period in 2015 being the exception), and for a while I REALLY got into the food. And by REALLY, I mean that I became quite the accomplished binge eater/secret snacker/crash dieter. But on the other side, I was working on a whole bunch of me, getting sober, working the Steps, finding out who I really am, etc.
In January or Feb of 2015, after 3.5 years of sobriety, many prayers, and some divine confirmations, I began to date again. The first man I dated, on our very first date, told me that he wasn't used to dating anyone who was overweight, but that since I was working on it, it was ok with him. Really? It's ok with you? Thank God that I no longer need external validation for who I am. In retrospect, I should have dumped him then, but the truth is, I didn't really care, so I decided to let the whole relationship play out. I'm so glad I did! Because...he wound up falling in love with me. (of course? KIDDING!) The truth was, though, I was not in love with him. I wasn't even in like with him, so I ended the relationship. Why is that important? Because I needed to know that I COULD break up with someone. That I'm ok all by myself, and I DON'T need earthly validation or companionship to "fulfill" me. That I'd really rather be alone than with the wrong person! These were really amazing truths for me to internalize, because in May of 2015, I met the amazing man who is now my husband. See how God works everything out?
Now...if you're still reading, you might be thinking...what on God's Green Earth does ANY of that have to do with Sparkpeople? Stick with me for a bit...I promise it will come together...
So...I met this awesome guy...and I went to therapy...and I went to meetings...and I worked really hard at my job...and...I became a grown up. And I sort of got fat and happy. Or...happy and fat? Well...first I got married (in July of 2016), and THEN I got happy and fat...or happier and fatter?
In February of 2018, after a holiday in England and Paris with my love, which coincided with the binge to end all binges, I wound up at Overeaters Anonymous. Though I totally appreciate OA, I am not an active member of that community. What they gave me, though, is freedom from my addiction to sugar by way of bottom line abstinence. Since February, 2018, I've not binged, and I have not eaten added sugar. This is huge victory for me because, though I am still a sugar addict, eliminating it from my diet has given me a peace around food that I've not previously had, which is really very awesome.
Which...pretty much...brings us to this year.
In the past, I've tried everything that I can try to lose weight, and I mean EVERYTHING. Of course, all diets work, but many are just not sustainable, and if you've tried EVERYTHING for 30+ years...constantly off and on and off and on...losing and gaining, and losing, and gaining...and gaining...and losing...you MIGHT end up with a metabolic resistance to weight loss. Or at least a very stubborn metabolism.
In 2017, I tried to go the bariatric surgery route. Of course, I prayed about it, and I asked Jesus to please make it clear whether I should do it or not, and His answer (by way of an insurance denial) was a resounding "NO!". Which brings us to January of this year, and a January 2 weigh in of 253.9 lbs. Yikes! I tried Keto. Lost a couple of pounds. That was it.
Went to my doctor. BEGGED her to put me on a particular medication. She said she'd give me a VERY SHORT TERM med, but not the one I was asking for, and not for longer than 12 weeks. OK... FINE...So I started the aforementioned medication. This was a good thing. It got me started. It quieted the voices in my head just enough for me to take a good long look at myself. At that point, I was seriously nervous that, if I were to fall, I really WOULDN'T be able to get up. Just because my weight was so much higher than the strength capacity of my knees that I was scared.
The medication was "successful" That is, I lost over 20lbs in about 12 weeks. But then, she took me off of it. And I realized that I really really really needed to figure this out, once and for all. So I asked my wonderful husband (who genuinely does not care a whit what I weigh, but also wants us to be around together for a long long time) if we could join the Y. He said "As long as you use it." Sigh.
And then, my very best friend in the whole wide world got married.
Aforementioned BFF's sister is about 10 months younger and about 100 lbs heavier than I am, and she was miserable. During the course of the wedding weekend, I spent a lot of time with her, and I realized that she genuinely could not walk because her legs could hardly support her weight. It scared the CRAP out of me.
Also during the course of that weekend, BFF took me to a spin class, and then a HIIT class with her trainer. (BFF is VERY fit.) What I learned from that? I, physically, CAN work out. I CAN!
So...I did...And I did...and I did...
And then I researched what I should be eating for strength, instead of weight loss (more on that later)...
And I changed EVERYTHING.
And now, tomorrow...more than 1 month and one week in, I'm meeting with a personal trainer to begin strength training.
And now... I'm BACK! A little older, a littler heavier, but a LOT wiser.
Stay tuned for the Further Adventures of RalkingChick...The Resurgence!!!