"Be open to change...You never know how Beautiful it can be." ~Heather Stillufson
Last night I was trying to explain something to my son and it had something to do with Chakra's. He said 'Next thing I know you with be taking...vitamins.' He explain to me what Chakra's are. I felt much better.
Last night I was tossing and turning and around 4 AM I realized my brain was trying to heal from past wounds in my life.
I ran across a video about a month ago on 'Dress your truth' program. The found of the program, Carol Tuttle said there are 4 types of people and we all are either type 1,2,3,or 4. God made us to be one way but our parent's shaped us to be someone else. That hit my hard and could be the reason I have been 'searching for who I am.' As I listened, I thought I was type 2 or 4. I then took her free test-many times! The results were always the same..type 1. Carol explained that type 2,3, and 4 know what type they are. However type 1 think they are all 4 types because their parent's would say to them ' Stop acting....' as a result they would not be living a life true the them. When they find out their true self, they feel free. I don't feel free. I feel confused. I feel like I am a mix of type 1,2, and 4. Last night it hit me as I was trying to fall asleep that my mom trained me to be a type 2 and type 4. That is why I am so confused on why I am. For example:
Type 2 is a peacemaker. They look at all sides of life-so do I! The difference being I realized last night was type 2 this comes natural for them. Mine was implanted from my mom. Mom and Dad felt the key to their marriage was not to fight. My counselor (a few years back) explained to me when couples don't fight, one person is always giving into the other one. The person that was always giving in, will be upset because that are always giving in and will take that anger out on someone else. Because I was the only kid for 8 years, I was often the person they took their anger out on. As I looked back, I could see my parent's yelling at me through out the years for no reason. Last night I saw something else I had not seen before. Every time I would get in a conflict with anyone, my mom would say: "Look at it from their view point." I grew up looking at life from everyone's view point but my own. I also was told I was selfish and self centered by looking at things through my eyes only. As I looked back, I remembered some teachers when I was in High School and college being concerned about me because I was not assertive. For the 1st time in my life, I saw that every time I tried to be assertive, Mom would say "put yourself in their shoes' and I would cave into the other person instead of standing my ground. For 9 years on my son's life, I was in a legal battle with his paternal grandma. Every time a letter came from my lawyer I would get upset. Instead of mom allowing me to get upset mom would saw 'try looking at it from the grandma's side. You are being selfish and self-centered.' I got to the point that I would scream at my mom "I can't! That women has mental issues! Go tell her to look at it through my eyes. I am not being selfish or self-centered by trying to be a parent to my child!' Basically I was sick of trying to see life through someone else eyes when no one say life through my eye!!! I was so sick of the words self anything! The other day my 22 year son said her heard some male on you-tune say Americans don't know how to listen to each other. Only once in his life has he heard walking past 2 strangers disagreeing where each person said to the other person "I see your view point is....let's work together to solve our issue." I looked at him and said 'that was your grandma...! She wouldn't listen to me. Instead she would take me to court. She would have me on that witness stand every month explaining my view point for over an hour and then she still didn't understand!' Last night I saw how my mom was trying to force me to be a peacemaker by saying 'look at it from their view point. You are so selfish, self-centered, etc.' Even as a kid fighting with my parent's, I was giving in to them!' As a result I lost who I was to make them happy. I give into my brother's which made my parent's life better. I am not a type 2 peacemaker! A peacemaker would not feel as if that gave in. A peacemaker would try to solve the conflict in a peaceful way but still be heard and true to herself. It's good to look at life from the other person's view point but I need to stop giving into the other person. I need to start standing up for myself! I also need to remind myself, it is not selfish or self-centered to be assertive for what I believe! As soon as I realized that the reason I think I am a type 2 or 4 is because my mom planted me to be a type 2 and 4, I was able to finally fall sleep!
Today is natural popcorn day. For Day 170 of doing the new, I am going to try Kettle corn sweet and salty flavor as I find a movie to watch and maybe take a nap or two! I am grateful that God was able to show me I am a type 1 which is Fun. It's going to be an adventure or a journey as I discover the real me!
Onward to Day 171 of Doing the New.