CUPKAKE137
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Trying to get back on Track/Feeling guilty

Monday, May 18, 2020

Just my luck. I wrote a good portion of what I wanted to say and it just deleted everything I wrote. Just like how I feel right now. Last time I was on spark I felt like I finally had it all together. I was losing I had a routine I was in a good place. I ended up getting pregnant. Which we had been trying for a few years and honestly didn't think it was going to happen. We were looking into IVF which we were about to try when we got pregnant with our miracle baby. I would change it for the world because she is just the best thing ever to happen to us. So I find it ridiculous that I am feeling the way that I do.

So I feel guilty because getting pregnant with our miracle took me off track. So I was upset by that (crazy I know) and I ended up gaining back all the weight I had lost before I was pregnant. I am not about 6/7 weeks postpartum and lost most of what I had gained and I am close to what I was when I found out I was pregnant back in July. I am happy because I thought I was going to have a lot more to lose again. I didn't stay as healthy as I wanted to while pregnant but hormones make you do stupid things.

I am having a hard time trying to get back on track. I am trying to adjust to being a parent and having a newborn isn't easy. I am feeling guilty because I want to put myself first by getting on track which would take her out of first. So I am finally understanding parents saying they forget to take time for themselves. We are also in the middle of a pandemic so we have pretty much been quarantined for the last couple of months. I am not doing well with that because I like to socialize. I always do better around people. I was able to work from home the last few weeks which I did right until I went into labor. The families are giving us a hard time because we cannot allow them to hold our beautiful bundle of joy. We are trying to keep her safe with everything going on since she doesn't have an immune system yet. This is my side of the family first grand baby so its really hard for them it is my husband's second grand baby (the first just turned 6) the guilt trips are tough for sure. I feel bad but I have to be the good mom and keep her safe. We have been doing our best to do in person social distance visits so that they can see her and video chats for those who can't be out (great-grandma etc) at least we are in the technology age so that we have that availability. I try to look at the positives in that we can bond with our baby better because she is only around the two of us.

I have days where I am not hungry at all and days where I am eating everything out of the fridge. I wish I had more healthy choices here at home but we are also at the point in my maternity leave where I am not being paid which is an issue for a lot of people right now with what is going on in the world. So I am doing the best I can with what I have available to me. I try to get out and walk with the baby everyday if I can. Its hard because she sleeps a bunch and I am not trying to wake her when she is asleep to go walk.

I am trying to get a routine which isn't working well for me. It may be easier once she gets on a sleep schedule and when I am back at work and can get into a better routine overall. Luckily my parents are going to be watching the baby once I do get back to work so I don't have to worry about daycare issues. But hopefully the pandemic calms down first so my baby won't freak since they haven't even held her yet let alone being her only care givers for 6-8 hours a day 5 days a week. I am trying to track my food again and get at least 30 mins of exercise in a day but some days are better than others. I want more better days though.

I have rambled during this if you read this thanks I appreciate it. I just needed to get this out of my brain. I miss being around people virtual communication doesn't feel the same but I am happy to have an outlet.
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