Trying to avoid emotional eating....talking out loud

Three of my girlfriends live in cities or provinces where there are no active cases of Covid 19. I am full of relief. There are only a few hundred active cases now in my city region of more than a million people. Toronto region has more than a thousand active cases. Testing is now available for anyone who wants it so DH and I went and are negative, plus because we said we thought we had it in March we are on a list. At last there seems to be a ....well not a plan but some sense of where the virus is and when we can sign up for the trackers on our phones there will be quick responsiveness to isolate active cases and trace the virus movements when the second wave comes.

I am still not feeling anywhere near normal. Yesterday we ordered restaurant food. Carb loaded. I devoured mine. I am tired of “trying and not meeting the day’s expectations”. We have a heat wave, mosquitoes and black flies and I am feeling lonely.

But there is hope. Mornings I get up with the sunrise when it is cool. This week I have consistently done a walk by the river with the dog. This morning I Also did some errands then came home and skinny dipped with hubby (there are benefits to isolation and the B&B being closed) and then we had coffee by the pool and chatted before he went to “work”. I pulled out Keto muffins from the freezer. Delicious maple walnut. I had forgotten how good they are. When I ordered yesterday’s dinner I got extra salads for today. Such an indulgence but I am realizing I needed a day off from cooking so today’s lunch is planned. If I make steamed spinach feta eggs for dinner then it will have been a Keto day.

In the “old days” I would try and plan something to help me feel safe. Today I think that will be to clean some pool windows. There is some mildew from winter. I would also plan to do something with people I care about. I had a bit of a panic attack when my friend from BC said she would come out as soon as she is able. The plans we had had in April are not possible. But perhaps... we could do something creative. Finances are tight without my income but my parents just sent a bit of money and maybe.... we could do something frivolous like hire an entertainer to play on our street. Celebrate birthdays. I am not sure why I can’t have her come and we just do nothing together. I think it has been 3 months now of isolation and I am finding it hard to talk and be social. She is a home care nurse who had planned to retire then come out here and de stress...until Covid happened and she was put on the front line. The reality is “nothing” would still be fine for her. I though am out of routine and my energizer bunny batteries need replacing because I feel tired and lethargic all the time. Wow this is a Whining blog! The truth is I am super fortunate and just need a kick in the pants. There is risk with her. Job. Flights. She will avoid Toronto and subways. We can keep physical distance and that will be weird, but she could also get a test when she arrives. When is still unknown. Before the next wave which is expected in fall. She was my maid of honour and I sang at her wedding and helped sew pearls on her wedding dress. She was my best friend at University. We live thousands of miles apart but we message infrequently when things are great and all the time when things are shhhty. As couples we have had adventures and trips. She brought her kids out by van a few times and I took my kids that way by van a couple of times. We have had parallel lives Experiencing so many of the same things. So why am I anxious? Because... I care. Hmmm. I don’t like her risking her life every day at work. Hubby and I got sick after he flew home from BC last March. I want her to stay home safe. It feels so selfish to want her here. Hmmm. After all, I have not seen family except our 2 daughters Face to face and even then with great care, since Christmas. Well of course DH went to BC to get his parents set up to isolate so he saw them then. And there was a cost. Yup, I think that is the reason for the panic.

Ok, and here is the gift. Anxiety and panic have usually come with a trigger to emotionally eat. But after writing this I feel OK. No hunger. I will bring in the laundry And take down the mosquito netting outside (thunder storm coming) And get to those windows. Maybe hubby will take a lunch break with me. He works California time on line so not likely... but after the windows are done maybe I will send a thank you card to my parents and practice some music. He might take a lunch break by then and I can give him a private concert. It all feels a little lame. I did try pretending this is like “retirement” but it’s not. I miss people.
I miss feeling I have a purpose. If there is a mindset any of you can suggest that would help I am open to it! thanks