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You ever been the last person to see someone before they died?

Tuesday, October 06, 2020

And not in a hospital or hospice situation, where you know it's coming, just out in the world before someone unexpectedly passes away? That happened to me last month, on September 11, of all days. What's worse, it was someone I was dating for about 5 or 6 weeks at the time. The first fact alone is enough to mess with someone's mind. Add the second...and let's just say I'm not beating myself up too much over the ~4 pounds I've put on since the last time I scribbled one of these blogs. Because as much as I want to feel like nothing's changed, that I'm just back to doing what I was doing (a whole lot of nothing) prior to late July, that's just not reality. Even if 5 or 6 weeks wasn't long enough for me to tell her I loved her, it was trending that way. I was with her the morning of the day she died, and I didn't notice anything that would have indicated what was coming, and I wonder if I missed something. That haunts me, the wondering if I could have prevented it, somehow, and just missed seeing some sort of sign.

I've started scribbling this, or some version of this on a couple of occasions since, but ended up deleting it. Maybe actually finishing the thought and hitting "post" is some sign of healing, even if I've been staring at this sentence for about ten minutes now.

I'll leave it at that for now. Will likely return to the subject, if only as a way of getting thoughts out. Hopefully before another month has passed.
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