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A Bit of a Tirade? (Or just a release of Frustration.)

Wednesday, December 02, 2020

Hope you all don't mind. I'm going to relieve my mind a bit here.

I have been in a terrible slump. Can't tell you when it actually started. Back in March, sure. But, I've been able to swing my way out of the negativity most times and work my way forward. Usually, with a lot of help from my wonderful friends here on Sparks who are so giving of their time to "listen" when I need an ear. Most times that's all it takes. Sometimes, I need a bit of someone else's outlook on things. I'm looking too far into myself, which is bad.

I try really hard to be supportive to others who need it. So many need it more than I. Are in greater need than I. So many don't have anyone to turn to.

It makes it very difficult with this Covid to be able to get together with anyone and just talk things out because of the social distancing thing. To tell the truth, I really don't know who I could go to anyway who would be close by. My "BESTIE" lives in Virginia. Works a lot of hours. My husband is a man. (Need I say more?) Honestly, he does the best he can but he doesn't understand. And I'm worried about him too.

This past month, the Whole Month of November in fact, I've been stuffing my face with junk. I look back on it and wonder if I think of it as a birthday present to myself since I didn't get anything from anyone, other than a card from my husband? Did that bring me so far down into a depression that I had to sabotage myself? (Just typing it out makes me think that's maybe what it's been.) Do you ever feel like everyone has forgotten you when they forget your birthday? Even my children. I received nothing from them or my grandchildren. My daughter called me.... the next day. My son "Text" me!! (HUH?!?!)

Anyone who's been depressed knows how hard it is to bring yourself out of it. Although you may try daily, making lists, trying consistently to do the same things day after day, it just ends up being the same thing. Yes, I do get some exercise in every day. Yes, I do TRY to eat sensibly at breakfast at least. Lunch and Dinner are up for grabs for several reasons. Mostly having to do with my husband and my frustration with his expectations. (I won't go into that.)

But when I want to eat something, not generally when I'm bored really but when I'm stressed about something or emotional about something, that's when it's hard. That's when I've got to have sugar. At least for the last month. I don't remember what I did prior to November when I got into those periods! I've racked my brain trying to remember! I KNOW I did something else other than eating! Cause I was losing weight!! My mind has blanked it out!!
It wasn't always cleaning my house. There's only so much I can do by myself with my house. Seriously, it needs a complete overhaul. Only we don't have money to put into it at this time with me not working.

That's another thing that has me down. My husband wants me to get another job. I'm terrified of working outside of our home. Not only because of the Covid. But because of my anxiety too. It's been almost 2 years since I held a full-time job. That job was SO stressful. I worked it for 17 years! Even my husband agreed I needed to leave that job. Only, he would have been happier if I could have had another job ready to take me on prior to that.

The only jobs I think I could possibly manage are work from home jobs. Perhaps data processing or something similar. Yes, I have been putting my resume out and filled out some applications online. Now my email box and text are being flooded with a lot of junk! I'm not even sure what's real and what's spam! Companies don't Call people anymore?!?! Is that too old-fashioned?

Sorry, this has gotten so long. Thanks for reading this far, if you have made it this far.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    My husband retired 6 months ago, a couple years earlier than we planned, due to being out there in the retail world and not wanting to get exposed to Coronavirus. We've had to put off home repairs too, due to less income. We just budget it as time goes on. I just try not to think or worry about it ( unless it breaks down).
    I don't blame you for not wanting to work out there right now. Maybe just agree to put it in hold until the vaccine comes out (end of February I heard tonight).
    I stopped working 25 years ago due to my anxiety/panic disorder- I was done- no more stressing out everyday.

    I started coloring in my adult coloring books recently. It's so fun and relaxing. You forget everything as you focus on coloring. I also write in my journal, when needed I complain, write all my frustrations, anger in it. It really helps. I close that book and say it stays in there, not thinking of it anymore.
    I feel for you, I've eaten like that before. Probably the past couple years and especially during Covid-19 times it hasn't been my best of times with that. Name it - stress, comfort, movie night, depressed, I love my food! It is the hardest thing to turn off- the love of food or using it for comfort. It takes iron willpower for sure to stop. I say to myself I did it before and I can do it again. One day at a time.
    We're here for you- vent away. You did a good thing for yourself blogging about it. Hang in there. One thing I say to myself if I have a bad day, don't beat yourself up, I'm human. Then I take a nap, literally. That helps too. emoticon

    86 days ago
    Jules I am so sorry you didn't get to enjoy your birthday hun, and you are right to vent and get it out.
    I totally understand your anxiety about working outside of the home, with covid the world is a scary space and having been home for so long only adds to your worries.
    You know in your heart that not eating well will only impact on your health and you need to address it, but baby steps. Chuck out the crud and get some healthy snacks to replace it.

    You're doing right to get your resume out there Jules, I SO hope something turns up hun. emoticon
    86 days ago
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    86 days ago
    so sorry about your missed birthday i do know i do feel better when i walk and when i write and I dont buy junk foods so i cant eat them , i do overeat at meals though, be kind to you keep reaching out and know we are hear to listen Hugs
    86 days ago
    Go right ahead and vent your frustrations. This is the place to do it.
    We both know how many others are worse off and that makes it harder for us to complain, doesn't it.
    Like we should be able to "suck it up" and when we just can't, we feel guilty about it.

    I worry for my family members without a job
    I worry for my family members without their REAL job making do with a thankless temp one with low pay, no benefits and chance of Covid
    I worry for my family members WITH their jobs that bring them in possible contact with the virus

    So, yes, I join you in wanting the comfort of junk food to dull the worry.

    But as 2B reminds us, we both know that's not the answer.

    So what is? Exactly what you did. Write about it.
    As for you husband, it's hard to give advice since every marriage is different.
    If he were my husband, I would show him what I've done already and have HIM suggest what to do next. (oh, I see 2B has mentioned that already)

    Now the junk food. The ONLY way I avoid it in times of stress is not to have it in the house.
    Absolutely NO chips or my favorite ice cream flavors, NO cookies.

    I do have some protein bars that I can nibble slowly that takes some of the edge off and some dried fruit & nuts trail mix. DH calls it my "tree bark" but it does take time to chew it.

    Chamomile tea works well too. Sometimes I hold it close to warm my chest and sip it slowly while I watch a nature documentary on TV. It's just one way I escape.

    Exercise? I do the "route of the confused squirrel" around my house several times a day. If I'm walking I can't be eating. I'm also spending more the usual amount of time on Spark. If I'm typing, I can't be eating.

    I wish there was some magic I could send your way to make it all better
    Just know you are not alone and your feelings are real. No reason to deny or apologize for them

    86 days ago
    86 days ago
    First of all, ((((HUGS)))) My guess is yes, lots of what your feeling could be related to no recognition of your birthday except from your DH. That stings. A lot.

    And I have to say, I do NOT blame you at all for being hesitant to take a job out of the house. . . right now. It is just risky, IMHO. I hope your DH can understand that.

    I hope that things get a little easier as time goes on. It is a challenging time w/o extras.
    86 days ago
    Well Jules-- Some would find me strange--(not that I care) but I adore our two little parakeets---and they love me too! Yeh--birds really are very capable of loving. I find my solace in my writing----it brings me great joy and peace. I know we all find it in various places. I am sorry your DH feels you need to 'get right to work' and indeed---where does one find work physically---in this miserable year? … (Oh gosh--I hope I am not making matters worse!) …….. As for the food---you and I know that the junk foods--esp. the sugary stuff raises serotonin in the blood---the feel good feeling---BUT it wears off quickly and our bodies beg for more! It never solves a thing---but then we are left gaining weight and losing our self esteem and confidence. My husband came w/' another place to look for work----he is not here right now, so I will ask him later. I also know a young gal---late 20's who was a nanny---until covid, now she has nothing, and also feels helpless. I think her grandmother is helping as much as she can. …. I wonder if your husband has suggestions as to how to find a job----when doors are locked down. Our unemployment resource center---that helped people find jobs has been closed since last April---and will not reopen until after the vaccine has been distributed. Wish I had a magic wand my friend!
    86 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/2/2020 5:18:28 PM
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