BEENIEMOM

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feeling strange!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

I have been debating on writing a blog since I began this journey almost 3 weeks ago...yesterday I finally thought of what to write!(with a little prompting from my best friend)

I have been gradually gaining weight for over 24 years now!After the birth of my daugter who is now 25...I had lost all the baby weight and was looking fabulous!Then the life of a new and young mom began to take its toll.I was happy but seriously lacking in self confidence.I was what any particular person wanted me to be on any given day! I didnt know me...didnt know what was impportant to me,who I was or what I really wanted in this life! I had grwon up feeling like I would never be smart enough to be anything other than a wife and a mother and now that I was just that...I loved my child but was so unhappy with myself.My husband was young and inexperienced in the dad role...I was always frustrated with him and usually willing to just let all the burden of child rearing be put on me!Ultimately you start to resent this...even when you are the one who has basically allowed it.I got depressed and I turned to eating and watching t.v.......WHAT A MISTAKE!

Through the years my husband matured as did I and for many years we seemd to be growing apart instead of together!He became a much better dad and he tried to understand this emotional roller coaster that I was on.He usually didnt seem to get it!...and I would eat!

A son when my daughter was eight and our married life was going a lot better...but still I didnt know me and i was still looking to fill a void in me that I didnt understand....I gained weight and never took it off...I took on too many things and almost had a nervous breakdown when my son was 2....I ate.... I sat around...I cried....I dieted...then again and again and again....
I had a good husband....great kids ...and at least 2 VERY LOYAL friends....but I wasnt happy and I couldnt fill that empty place in me...then my mom died....to say the least....we had a turmultuous yet good relationship....a love hate thing that many moms and daughters seem to get!..It killed me!...I never thought I could get passed it...grief took over every part of me....I felt great sorrow that I would never ever hear her say she was proud of me!(she never did) Its only my kids that kept me going! Being a mom is my most treasured gift...I have fought through all of this emotional crap to try and give them the best of what I had in me! Somehow it worked...with all my flaws...they turned out to be AMAZING young people who bring me joy all of the time....and yet...for some reason I remain an incomplete person!

I have been pretty happy in the last year or 2 but I am still struggling with self love and self image....I can say all the right words and pretend that all is good within me....but I realised last night that the grief over my mom and the cofusion over not knowing exactly what I am here in this life for are keeping me from the succes I so desire.....I want to make changes...but I dont know how to do it!
I see my mom when I look in the mirror and its like she says...."why did you let yourself get fat"..."why do you bother with that"..."why does it matter"and I want to scream and it makes me want to stuff myself with food!..........I love you mom...but I am so DONE with feeling llike this....I deserve to be happier and I AM GOING TO ACHIEVE IT!


To my spark friends...Thanks for the support...you may now have a wee idea of why it is so important to me!..and I keep smiling the big smile...to hide the real pain away from the world!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • BUSYMOMMYOF4
    wow.....sniff...it's like you are in my head. so many of the things you said struck a cord with me..you've brought tears to my eyes..how courageous of you to share those words. That must have felt so good to be so honest with yourself. Continue down this life journey just the way you are. you sound as though you are on the right path.
    Goodluck to you and thank you so much for your blog.
    take care. emoticon Jody
    4836 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/5/2008 4:55:47 PM
  • MAMAT08
    Thank you so much for putting into words what I and most people on this site can not. I feel like you are in my mind and heart and reading a passage form my life! I only wish that I could be as open about my life as you have been. I feel like if I don't really face the problems in myself and my life, that they will just go away. I really am proud of you for having the courage to put your pain and struggle into words to help others and I only hope that my support can repay you in someway. You are an amazing women and you can do it!
    4880 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/23/2008 8:54:51 AM
  • BABYLOWE
    You are so eloquent and open. What a beautiful story. Thank you.
    4916 days ago
  • KIMPAINTS
    Ditto, on so many of your feelings. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so trying to get to where you are and you have helped me. I think I am almost ready to face this. I sure am going to give my Ma Ma a big hug today! I haven't known you for long, but already I feel I know you. Let me tell you girl you rock. You are so pretty, and have a beautiful spirt. I'm honored to be your friend. Kim
    4917 days ago
  • BITTYWITCH
    Thaks for sharing. A lot of us have similar paths in our lives.
    Glad to have ya as a friend.
    Ziggy
    4917 days ago
  • INDYPNDT1
    I've so been there. What a huge step for you to share your feelings with us. You are an amazing person cheering on those around you..... sending you hugs! Amy
    4920 days ago
  • MERAINA
    My heart is with you. My heart knows where you are, I have beenthere too.
    You just know one thing and one thing that is for SURE... YOU. ARE. WORTH. IT!
    No matter how you feel at the moment... YOU are worth it.
    Just setting your mind to joining SP is the best thing! I have grown to love this site and my new found friends.
    You know, when I first started with SP and my lifestyle change... I was not sharing this with my family... but now my family has noticed a change in my attitude! My husband says that I am a happier person... Ya' know, I always thought that I acted happy all of the time, Ya' know covering up the sad fat chic within... LOL Nope, I wasn't hiding a thing. My husband says that he can tell a BIG difference in me and now is supporting my wellness trip.
    Hope you continue on your trip and find the love of new friends!
    Glad you are here with us!
    TTYL,
    Meraina
    4920 days ago
  • DANALM17
    Oh Tina, I loved your blog... It's a masterpiece. I too am a great pretender and I have, yet, to do what you just did. It's very difficult for me to tell my story because I think I'll sound so incredibly weak and lame. Of course, it's
    I would never think that about another, but when it comes to myself, I just think LOSER.
    My mom and I have that same relationship that you and your mom shared, so believe me, I understand 100% where you're coming from. My mom is an expert at making everyone around her feel guilty... I have yet to make her really happy... I mean consistantly. Today I'm okay, tomorrow I'll suck.
    I'm also like you in the fact that I have no idea how to love myself or have even an ounce of real confidence... I'm FAKE confident, and I do it really, really, well.
    Anyway, I want you to know that you've inspired me greatly with your story.. perhaps I'll do some spilling myself, soon.
    Take care,
    I love ya girl,
    Dana
    4920 days ago
  • JOEYD76542
    My goodness, what a journey you have had! A lot of women go through this, I was one of them. I decided to love myself, and I won't go into details, just tell you that it was the hardest and BEST thing I have ever done. My journey isn't finished, but I can tell you that you CAN achieve success!!! Gentle hugs...
    4920 days ago
  • PUMPKINFACE73
    Awww sweetie, let it out, let is all out.....we are all here for you to help you through all that this journey entails.....soo proud of your for sharing, that must have been very hard........I bet it felt good!!
    Keep positive and hope to chat soon

    4920 days ago
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