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~NEVER enough~

Thursday, August 20, 2009

emoticonok where do i begin..?
lately i have been a mess.im all over the place,and i couldnt figure out what my problem is..i know TOM gets me emotional..but this is more than that.
i have been racking my brain..almost ALL my life i have wanted to know why i am the way i am,why i feel the way i feel..finally last night i figured it out.
i always doubt myself..i always think the WORST.
the answer has always been right in front of my face,guess i just didnt want to say it out loud.
its that.."simply i am NOT enough" emoticon
i have a beautiful Husband who works non stop to make sure me,and our son get whatever we need.
he calls me all the time..dedicates LOVE songs to me.tells me how he feels about ME on a daily basis.
but yet i CONSTANTLY have doubts in the back of my mind..doubts that im worthless.that i dont deserve ANYTHING...why would anyone want me?
i can log onto Spark..give anyone advice..encourage my friends nonstop..
but when it comes to me I JUST CANT.i mean im doing ok with my weight loss.i just cant figure out why i can tell someone "they are worth it",but i cant tell myself..and more importantly i cant believe in ME.
so it all comes down to"IM NOT ENOUGH" and that hurts.
so im not sure where i go from here.i just know i needed to get this out.
i cant say its because of what i have been through..everyone has been through something.so i have no excuse.
people say "u cant love someone unless u love urself"
with me thats NOT true..sorry,but i have never loved myself,and i love my family like theres no tomorrow emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
ok so i know this blog wasnt about weight loss.i just needed to get this out..im not sure where i go from here..the only thing i know is that i want to feel better.
good night my Spark family,and god bless..Christina emoticon
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  • ABRIDGESRNC
    We all have a little critical voice in our heads. It tells us that we are bad, that we are not enough, that we are unworthy.

    As someone else said, we have to learn how to turn that voice off - how to listen to another voice that says we are okay. It is not just about being big - I was very thin until about 30, and am not "large-sized" now. It is about being human, and being self-aware.

    I know you have talked about expense as an issue - but I think talking to a professional (and I'd start with the doctor) about this may help get you started on a journey to a better life.

    Prayers.
    Anita
    4287 days ago
  • MOMMAROLEMODEL
    Wow--so much great advise and so many similar stories. I believe what FLY0NTHEWAL1 said is right b/c the feeling of worthlessness is part of depression, I have felt that way and my mother currently battles it. I have seen her feel this way for to many years b/c of not wanting to talk to anyone of go on medication and she had suffered for way to long. There is nothing wrong with saying you feel depressed and why not get help for it so you can lead a happy life.

    I wish you the best of luck. I am saying a prayer for and your family b/c you are worth every minute you take care of yourself.

    Love,
    Timberlee


    4288 days ago
  • FUZZY2LOSE
    First of all, you ARE enough! Everything happens for a reason and the reason Mark was put into your life is to remind you of how beautiful you are no matter what, to be your lifesaver when you feel like you are too tired to swim through your troubles and to be that other half of encouragement that we all sometimes need. He completes you and helps pull you back together when it feels like everything is falling apart.

    Even though I don’t have the doubts about self worth, you and I are a lot alike in that we are selfless when it comes to helping others and can give advice a lot easier than we can take it ourselves. But when it comes down to it, we both know what we need to do in order to achieve our goals. We both know how to eat right. And we both know how to get moving and make it happen. It’s just hard sometimes. And that’s okay. Life in general is not supposed to be easy. If it was, everyone would be achieving great success in anything they try to do. You will be back and feeling great in no time.

    You have tons of support here on Spark and just as much at home with Mark. You have been winning your weight loss battle with flying colors and will continue to do it because of the reasons you are losing weight:

    “my goals r too feel good, be able to play with our son with ease. not let my diabetes get the best of me, become a better wife, and mother.. this is all a lot, but after discovering the new me underneath, i am starting to believe i can accomplish all of this, and more. “

    And you’re right. You will, can and ARE accomplishing these things and so much more. You are helping others on Spark along their journey, leading your son by example and are a walking, talking inspiration to many on the 8 week battles and to anyone that visits your spark page.

    Way to get everything out and in the open. That alone helps a lot more than anyone ever imagines. emoticon emoticon
    4288 days ago
  • no profile photo CD2244005
    Everyone has such good advice! Christina, you ARE worth it! A great wife, mother, daughter, sister....we can go on and on! You've taken charge of your life, lost a fantastic amount of weight, still losing, changed your lifestyle for the better - if that doesn't make you worthy I don't know what does!

    emoticon
    Lynn
    4288 days ago
  • BCANGELRAE
    Christina, my heart goes out to you! Although I have been big my whole life, I have never really had to deal with these feelings. I was a lucky one. But I have lived with my mom thinking these things. It is always so strange to me that she could raise 2 great kids (toot toot! Haha!) that know what they are worth, that know they are forever loved, and that feel like they deserve all they are receiving in life... but never feel like she has accomplished anything. She has also lived through my dad having cancer at age 24 and being paralyzed at age 41, and still nothing. So I will tell you the same thing I tell her. You are an amazing woman. If I can accomplish even half of what you have, I am lucky. If I could have even half as much compassion for others, or love my family even half as much as you love yours, I am lucky. I could tell you to keep telling yourself these things and it would make it better but the truth is, it won't change till you believe in yourself. Whether it is related to your weight or not, you have to find that happiness within yourself and who you are before these feelings will go away! You have to believe in yourself!!
    4288 days ago
  • TINA48R
    WoW,Christina. there's lot's of people alike on here,
    I'm the same way..
    I don't like myself at all .I would go a extra mile for anybody
    "BUT" I won't go that extra mile for me..

    The other day when you wanted everybody to write something they like about them self,all this week!!
    I have been trying since Monday to think of one thing" I like about myself,and I can't think of one thing I like about me emoticon

    emoticon for sharing that with everyone,
    But I wanted to let you know that I think you are a WONDERFUL
    person,and you are "ENOUGH" you have made a different in a lot of people's life's on here,"YOU" HAVE MADE A DIFFERENCES IN ME...

    You are worth more than what you think,and I hope that you find away to see that you are "ENOUGH" My emoticon
    Lot's & Lot's of emoticon to you...
    4288 days ago
  • SHEDDING123
    I hear you. You've already heard that you are so worth it, that you are loved, adored and as essential to the lives around you as the air they breath.
    WHat helps me is something I picked up from one of the spark motivational articles which i can't quote exactly but basically it's this:
    when you start being negative with yourself/questioning your worth, ask yourself- would i talk to or think about a loved one/friend that way?! And since the answer is NO, you gotta work to flick that switch. Be the generous and kind person with yourself that you are with others and it'll be pretty radical how good you'll feel (and generous with yourself doesn't have to come in calories, it's about
    emoticon ). But you know all this, super mom that you are!
    4288 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/20/2009 10:48:15 AM
  • JHEARD7
    Oh Christina, how we are so much alike.. I am the Same exact way.. Loving dedicated husband, children happy, great job, etc. but i dont give myself the benefeit of a doubt for a second, im always harder on myself, doubtful of myself, feel not worthy... BUT i am learning that I am Soooooooooooooooooooo Worthy and worth it. i had to ask myself why am i so doubtful when it cmoes to me but can be so optimistic for someone else about the very same thing! Why are they more worthy, why do i care about them or that more than me.. it takes time to get out of this mind frame and i still deal with it all the time.. But By the grace of God and his love . It does get better darlin. something just snaps one day.. and what can you say
    YOU BEGIN TO GIVE YOURSELF A CHANCE...

    Belive in YOU, know that YOU are worthy, know that YOU are valuable. Know YOU are worth any good, and Know that YOU are just as good as anyone else that may be special!

    Even in me telling you this i need to take my own advice and do the same thing for myself.

    So thanks for this blog. and your honesty..

    YOU ROCK IN MY EYES GIRL!

    Jammee
    4288 days ago
  • FLY0NTHEWAL1
    I know how you feel, and I'm sorry you feel that way. I have suffered from depression for many years, clearly it is worse some times versus others.
    I encourage you to see a doctor about your feelings of worthlessness because you don't HAVE to feel that way. There are things you can do to relieve yourself of those feelings, like talk therapy and/or medication. A very good friend of mine told me that when he was in college he didn't want to take meds (terrible stigma and all that) but did take them after he graduated, and he wishes he hadn't waited so long because his life is so much better now...


    I know that my words may not reach you, but you ARE worth it. You are worthy of love and success and life. And the people who love you know it, and you deserve to experience it.

    Much love to you,
    Val
    4288 days ago
  • PONYFARMER
    C~
    I had struggled with these feelings my entire life. So you are not alone on this, though I know that does not make it better, it never did for me.

    I am going to email you to keep this private....D
    4288 days ago
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