This has to be goodbye, for a while.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

This is a really hard blog to write, unbelieveably hard, and one which is going to require a large box of tissues to write.

For the past months my health has not been good - no one major thing, but just one health problem after another. These past weeks I have been having trouble with being able to eat anything and keep it down. No trouble eating, just that it wouldn't stay where it was meant to. Constant visits to my doctor who did all manner of tests and found nothing there to explain the reason helped relieve my worries, but still it continued, and along came the migraines, then the complete lack of energy, then my arthritis flared up to be as bad as it ever was at its worst. The list goes on...

As most of you will know, Dad is in our local nursing home, and each day a little more of him slips away. My family have chosen to believe that I brought him here to live with me solely to exploit him, thanks to my sister's conversations and phone calls. No one, other than two of my daughters, have been near him now the end is drawing closer, and even phone calls to family members were never returned, no one even called the nursing home for an update on Dad's condition. I am there with him each day, even though he most times doesn't know me, tells me to go away, but then at other times he lies or sits there holding my hand for hours. I will continue to be there for him, just as he was always there for me whenever I needed him - never ever had to ask, he just knew when he was needed.

After being hospitalized for several hours again yesterday, my doctor has laid it on the line for me - I either remove all commitments from my life, focus solely on my own health, or I will be faced with more than the prospect of having to postpone the rest of my Aged Care course, I will be unable to work at any time in the future. He has agreed I can still go spend time with Dad each day, knows that to be forced to give that up will just make things much much worse, but that's it. Everything else has had to be dropped, and done so immediately.

I know I need to do this, I know I need time to myself, I know I am falling apart physically as well as emotionally, but it really hurts to have to leave Spark People behind till I am better. I have to realize I don't have the ability to bounce back from things as I did when I was in my teens and 20s. As he said yesterday, I will be 60 in 2 1/2 years from now, and if I'm not going to start acting like a responsible adult, when do I plan to start?

So,,, I won't be round for some months, but you will all be in my thoughts and prayers each and every day, and when I am better and am able to, I will be back to catch up on all the wonderful things in your lives I have missed out on hearing about.

In the meantime though, I have had to leave Lexie as the sole leader of 'Finding and Loving Your Inner Tigger' team, and have just had to notify Thiagram, who herself was taking a break from leading 'Sparkling Knitters' that I had to go as of now. Please, if you can help lead these teams, contact the leaders on the team page. Don't just expect them to carry on without help - specially Thiagram, cos she asked me to take over from her. Please, if a few of you get together, you would only have to do a little each to help keep the teams up and running.

Think about it at least.

I am so sorry to have to go with no notice whatsoever, but if not this, then I am facing extended hospitalization, and need to be here for Dad, my dogs and my cats, and my daughters of course. Please understand and forgive me for having to leave in this way. This is definitely something I want to do, or ever thought I'd have to.

Love and good luck to you all. Thank you for all the love and friendship and for all the laughs and information we have shared in the past. Hopefully it won't be too long before we can again, God willing.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SILLYHP1953
    I had to put off commenting when I first read this, too emotional and at work, etc. Then I kept putting off writing...maybe some childlike part of my brain figured if I didn't say goodbye then you weren't really leaving. But I am not a child, actually glad I'm not a child, even if I still think I need to be taken care of sometimes. I'm not going to say goodbye. You will get better, you will heal, you will be back. I must believe. Don't make me come to Australia...I'd love to come see you. I wonder how many mileage points I need on USAIRWAYS. I really miss you. I really, really miss you. I'm sending love, light, and healing.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3659 days ago
  • LYNNE311
    Hi Chris,
    I know what you're going through with your Dad. I lost mine about a year ago - Lewy Body Dementia. It is heartbreaking and I really feel for you. He had good days, not so good days, and downright bad days. And you never know what it'll be till you arrive each day. Treasure the fleeting moments of clarity, they peek through the clouds every now and then and remind us that their essence is still in there. Speak to him as much as you can. I found that my Father was listening even when he was unable to respond, on other days he let me know in subtle ways that he had heard me. Tell him you love him as much as possible, I found that it always registers on some level. Best of luck to you. And feel free if you need a shoulder to cry on or just a good listener, you can always sparkmail me and we can share our stories. I will send many healing vibes your way, take care of yourself first, everyone else later. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3675 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/25/2011 4:21:36 PM
    My thoughts are with you on this journey. Please take care of yourself.
    3675 days ago
  • no profile photo CD2659270
    I am so glad you are putting yourself first Chris...and you'll not regret the time with your Dad, I know...take care of yourself sweetie and know that you're in my prayers...Peace&Hugs, Beany
    3675 days ago
    Please take care of yourself. Put yourself first. You will be missed!!

    3675 days ago
    Please take good, good care of yourself; you're such a special person. Know that wherever you are and whatever you're doing you will be held in my heart. I will miss you something fierce!

    3675 days ago
  • FREES1
    take care of yourself and your dad... you'll be missed.. heal!
    3675 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8158758
    Sorry to hear of your health problems. Yes, that is the best thing for you to take care of yourself and we will be here when you return. Will miss you! Get Well Soon! Connie emoticon
    3675 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8640526
    Well I hope you can come back at some time. I feel your health is the most important, so please take good care of yourself!
    3675 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6687446
    Please take good care of you. My prayers are with you and your family.
    3675 days ago
    Take care of yourself Chris. We will miss you and be waiting for your return.

    3675 days ago
    Thinking of you Chris and so glad that you are listening to your wise doctor.

    Just because your sister needs to mature doesn't mean you have to internalise her negative, erroneous view. She is likely justifying her own guilt.

    Believe in yourself and trust that you will return to good health, and when you are you will be able to find a way of dealing with your sister which will restore harmony xxxxx.

    3675 days ago
  • LEXIE63
    I've Spark-mailed you my friend with my proper email addy in case you are able to keep in touch that way. :-) You are in my thoughts and prayers every day.
    I am so sorry things have deteriorated so badly for you. Don't worry about the Tigger Team. We'll keep bouncing just for you! :-)
    Praying that it won't be long before you are back here, and able to continue with the other things you love.
    Gentle Hugs
    Lex xxx
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3675 days ago
  • no profile photo ANIMALMAGIC
    I will especially miss your messages on the Happy Hippies huddle wall.
    Take care of yourself hun, and hope you return to us soon
    3675 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1638981
    Take Care of yourself. You will be missed. emoticon
    3675 days ago
  • no profile photo CD3291619
    All of us will miss you so much, but your health must come first.
    All the best, get well, and be healthy. emoticon Carolyn
    3675 days ago
    Chris hun, ou really must take care of you.
    You have so much on your plate right now and must get your priorities right and that means taking time to regroup get better and take care of your family
    We will all be waiting patiently for your return and hearing from you once more
    Luv and hugs
    Caz emoticon emoticon
    3675 days ago
    You must put yourself first, for if not, then how on earth can you be there for anyone else?! Do what is best for you; that's what is most important; all the best to you and your family.
    3675 days ago
    Take care and best wishes, Put yourself first now and I hope things gets better for you. Come back when you are healthy enough and in a good place. I will miss your friendship but I certainly understand. Hugs.
    3675 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8603687
    emoticon emoticon Taking care of YOUrself is # 1 priority end of story! We will still be here when you are ready to come back.Take care and prayers of good health and healing. emoticon Diana:)
    3675 days ago
  • DEE107
    your health comes first my friend
    3675 days ago
    Sending you vibes ) ) ) ) ))))
    Hope to hear from with good news soon
    3675 days ago
  • no profile photo THIAGRAM
    My dear friend, I am very much saddened by this. I hope and pray for you, that you will have peace and recovery. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing. Don't worry about the team, I'll pick up and do what I can. When I asked for someone to take over, I was thinking I would be not Sparking anymore, but I didn't ever really leave. So we will be fine. I will miss you and your love and wonderful comments tremendously!

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    3675 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/24/2011 11:41:49 PM
    If you come back one more time and read this blog, then I will encourage you to seek help from a therapist. He/she might be able to help you. I have not read your past blogs so I may be off line, but just from this one, the possibility of Somatoform disorder comes to mind. This is what Wikepedia has to say about it, and if I'm wrong, I apologize. "A Somatoform disorder, is a mental disorder characterized by physical symptoms that suggest physical illness or injury - symptoms that cannot be explained fully by a general medical condition, direct effect of a substance, or attributable to another mental disorder (i.e. panic disorder).[1] The symptoms that result from a somatoform disorder are due to mental factors. In people who have a somatoform disorder, medical test results are either normal or do not explain the person's symptoms. Patients with this disorder often become worried about their health because the doctors are unable to find a cause for their health problems. Symptoms are sometimes similar to those of other illnesses and may last for several years."
    3675 days ago
    Read my emails. And I have been doing almost double fitness munutes, so I probably can fill-in for you the rest of this month. Thanks for this challenge that got me going!

    Get some supplemental hydrocholoric acid. Without enough B6, people don't make enough digestive acid and food will not digest--so it comes back up.

    In a week, get some general digestive enzymes and eat raw food for a couple of weeks: plenty of parsely and a few radishes, blended in a smoothie with a peeled or whole organic apple, is a great start.
    3675 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/24/2011 8:46:15 PM
    Chris, sending you much love and hoping you will find your path ahead will bring peace and healing. You are an inspiration to all of us because of your positive attitude and loving heart. Take good care of yourself, find comfort in the time you share with your dad, and know that we are all sending you loving wishes every day!
    3676 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5645667
    Take care and concentrate on you !!!.
    Because it is only you that can do this for yourself....
    Get better and fitter .. Take care of your dad .. don't worry about the rest of the family that are shunning You and your Dad ....
    They will have to live with what they are doing for the rest of their lives ...
    Love and Hugs
    Susie emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3676 days ago
    Take care of yourself, that is upmost. Do what you need to do. We'll be looking forward to hearing from you, and send you our prayers and best wishes in the meantime.
    3676 days ago
    Looking forward to hearing from you down the road when things are better.
    3676 days ago

    Take care of yourself. If I can be of any help, please let me know. I've sent my email address to your SparkMail. Meantime, keep your spark alive! I know you can do it.

    3676 days ago
    That is so sad. I wish you the best. You do need to focus on yourself so you can help you Dad. I have you in my prayers.

    3676 days ago
  • JANENE413

    I have been out of the loop lately myself, but I am truly so grateful for your love and leadership. Now it's time for you to give yourself the same wonderful attention that you have given to others as you were able. No apologies necessary. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do. This is how we are able to help others. You must find your own wellness to be able to give care to others.

    So take care of yourself with love, patience and kindness--like you would a dear friend--the best of friends.

    Love and blessings to you, Chris.

    3676 days ago
  • ALICIA214

    We have never been in contact before , but I feel I must say how sorry I am that you
    are having such a hard time with your health and your Dear Dad slipping away,I will keep you in my prayers if that is alright with you,and remember
    God Holds you in the palm of his hand.Keep the faith, and get well.
    3676 days ago
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