Where's my Spark? Beating myself up again and again for mistakes isn't working...
Monday, October 31, 2011
I look at the successes of some of my SP friends and feel so excited for them. They have lost so much weight since they started their journeys and look amazing – some of them started around the same time as me and yet, here I am... treading water. I’ve been bouncing around this same weight for well over 6 months. The middle tire around my waist is still there... I feel it more now as my legs are stronger from running and overall, I am fitter... but it doesn’t show. I still look large in photos... huge... I’m still obese which is a very very bad thing, particularly with my family history of Type 2 diabetes. It would be wonderful to run with less weight. I am sure my knee would appreciate it.
What worked? I did great at the start. I followed the SP menu planner... so perhaps I will start using it again. It is my day off tomorrow and I will spend some time in the morning playing with the planner again. It worked – it’s as simple as that. Back to basics for me.
It’s now less than 4 weeks until my half marathon in Seattle. I’m looking forward to it with trepidation! I’ve not been training enough... I’ve done little to no outdoor training. Perhaps I should try to go outside tomorrow for my run. I was scheduled to do my longest run of the week (7 miles) yesterday but I was still a bit sore from running 5 miles on Friday. I did very little over our holiday in Australia and I think that’s set me back. My friend who is coming with me ran 19km on Saturday morning! She’s on track to really beat her last time. I should be getting inspired by all these people around me but at the moment I feel unsettled... uneasy... disappointed in myself... very disappointed in my self-sabotage. I keep thinking about what I can do and how I should really be more disciplined but I weaken all the time. My hand reaches for the Halloween candy and before I know it, the one little bar has turned into a pile of empty wrappers and I’m feeling disgusted with myself yet again.
I created a spreadsheet to tick off my achievements and already I know that I’m not going to make it – I can’t do my circuit training this week as it’s book club on Wednesday. The alternative night for circuit training is Monday but of course, I can’t do it today as it’s Halloween and we’ll be out with the girls trick or treating. However, I will amend my spreadsheet today... I will set myself an overall target for November instead. I will reset my chart to go for November, and then another for the end of the year.
I think perhaps I should set myself a hard target... get to a lower weight range before I go to Vegas for my NYE holiday. I think I will spend some time tomorrow thinking about myself and my goals... I will also go swimming and go for a run, realistically I will wimp out and it will be on the treadmill but I will spend some time today looking for a decent route. I need to learn how to use my GPS watch so perhaps I can get it set up and use that tomorrow as it’s due to be dry.
I know what to do... I have the tools available... why do I keep weakening and fail every week to lose weight... I need to start being more strict with myself – change my way of thinking and start making progress. Mark and I keep talking about a beach holiday in April... I want to look great for it. That’s a realistic time frame to get some good results. There is no reason why I can’t do it. I need to be more positive and controlled with my eating. As I keep telling myself, it is ALL ABOUT THE FOOD!
Time to get real... start looking at improving my nutrition... eating less. I am fat because I eat too much. There are no excuses. There will be no Halloween Candy!
I apologise to anyone who reads my blog as I just seem to go around and around in circles... and it always ends up with the same message to myself. Stop eating mindlessly! Go back to basics! Well, here we go... this time I am ready to do something about it. I feel sad and unhappy at my progress, or lack of it. It’s time to get moving... get working and get with the program as a fully committed self-improver. I think I should read The Spark again. In fact, I will read the Spark again.