Where's my Spark? Beating myself up again and again for mistakes isn't working...

Monday, October 31, 2011

I look at the successes of some of my SP friends and feel so excited for them. They have lost so much weight since they started their journeys and look amazing – some of them started around the same time as me and yet, here I am... treading water. I’ve been bouncing around this same weight for well over 6 months. The middle tire around my waist is still there... I feel it more now as my legs are stronger from running and overall, I am fitter... but it doesn’t show. I still look large in photos... huge... I’m still obese which is a very very bad thing, particularly with my family history of Type 2 diabetes. It would be wonderful to run with less weight. I am sure my knee would appreciate it.

What worked? I did great at the start. I followed the SP menu planner... so perhaps I will start using it again. It is my day off tomorrow and I will spend some time in the morning playing with the planner again. It worked – it’s as simple as that. Back to basics for me.

It’s now less than 4 weeks until my half marathon in Seattle. I’m looking forward to it with trepidation! I’ve not been training enough... I’ve done little to no outdoor training. Perhaps I should try to go outside tomorrow for my run. I was scheduled to do my longest run of the week (7 miles) yesterday but I was still a bit sore from running 5 miles on Friday. I did very little over our holiday in Australia and I think that’s set me back. My friend who is coming with me ran 19km on Saturday morning! She’s on track to really beat her last time. I should be getting inspired by all these people around me but at the moment I feel unsettled... uneasy... disappointed in myself... very disappointed in my self-sabotage. I keep thinking about what I can do and how I should really be more disciplined but I weaken all the time. My hand reaches for the Halloween candy and before I know it, the one little bar has turned into a pile of empty wrappers and I’m feeling disgusted with myself yet again.

I created a spreadsheet to tick off my achievements and already I know that I’m not going to make it – I can’t do my circuit training this week as it’s book club on Wednesday. The alternative night for circuit training is Monday but of course, I can’t do it today as it’s Halloween and we’ll be out with the girls trick or treating. However, I will amend my spreadsheet today... I will set myself an overall target for November instead. I will reset my chart to go for November, and then another for the end of the year.

I think perhaps I should set myself a hard target... get to a lower weight range before I go to Vegas for my NYE holiday. I think I will spend some time tomorrow thinking about myself and my goals... I will also go swimming and go for a run, realistically I will wimp out and it will be on the treadmill but I will spend some time today looking for a decent route. I need to learn how to use my GPS watch so perhaps I can get it set up and use that tomorrow as it’s due to be dry.

I know what to do... I have the tools available... why do I keep weakening and fail every week to lose weight... I need to start being more strict with myself – change my way of thinking and start making progress. Mark and I keep talking about a beach holiday in April... I want to look great for it. That’s a realistic time frame to get some good results. There is no reason why I can’t do it. I need to be more positive and controlled with my eating. As I keep telling myself, it is ALL ABOUT THE FOOD!

Time to get real... start looking at improving my nutrition... eating less. I am fat because I eat too much. There are no excuses. There will be no Halloween Candy!

I apologise to anyone who reads my blog as I just seem to go around and around in circles... and it always ends up with the same message to myself. Stop eating mindlessly! Go back to basics! Well, here we go... this time I am ready to do something about it. I feel sad and unhappy at my progress, or lack of it. It’s time to get moving... get working and get with the program as a fully committed self-improver. I think I should read The Spark again. In fact, I will read the Spark again.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD9898685
    Girl, you have your Spark right here. With just doing this blog and planning the way you are, you are in it to win it now. You still have time, and you have a lot of support behind you. I believe in you, and I am so proud of the accomplishments you have achieved. You are amazing to me. And I am so inspired by you. I finally wrote another blog today, which I was scared to do, but you might want to check out the poem that I put in there. It might be helpful. With persistence and patience, we can achieve our goals, but the key is to never give up. You can do it my friend. I have all the faith in the world in you! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3484 days ago
    I know it can be hard and frustrating. I know I need to start tracking my food again to see results. Knowing it and doing it are different!

    I know you can be successful, and you have done so much already to be proud of. Keep at it, one day at a time. Set realistic goals. Maybe start with using the menu planner 3 days a week and then build from there. Sometimes doing too much at once can be overwhelming and make you want to quit.

    Keep sparking!
    3485 days ago
    ughhhh i had to do a double take when i was reading this i had a wait did i post this or did abi haha it was like reading a blog of my thoughts about myself!!!
    i know exactly how your feeling..its frustrating and it quite frankly sucks! but the good news is that we are stronger than we could ever imagine and we will get back on track and we will succeeed! your 100% right about food being the killer! i have the exact same problem! stupid adam brought some of his mums stupidly amazing chocolate caramel slice and well i couldnt help myself, today would have been my fourth day of good eating but i went and had a slice of slice didnt i! usually i would have then lost it and gone crazy and eaten everything and anything but luckily i had my computer in the dining room area and i saw your blog on the screen and it reminded me why we are doing this!

    keep at it! you will be back in your usual exercise routine in no time and as for the food im sure you will find something that works! im trying to have 2 'treat days' a week in which i can have any treat i want but only one serve per day and i cant have two treat days in a row :) today was a 'treat day' i had a piece of slice so tomorrow i will be good! my plan was if i accumulate 3 unused treat days i get some kind of reward hehe and there is a rule that i cant save up my treat days and have a treat week hehe i dont know if this will help you but its working ok for me so far (although its only day four hehe)

    keep up the great work, together we can do this!!!
    3485 days ago
    It does take time. I still struggle with it. One day at a time.
    3485 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10364891
    Hi! I've kind of been doing the same thing so I completely understand. I think it takes some of us a bit more time to figure out how to work being healthy into our own lives despite ups and downs. Don't get down, just re-work your plan based on your schedule and make it doable for you. emoticon
    3486 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

More Blogs by ABISMITHY