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You Are As Sick As Secret You Keep" ~ My Doctor

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Yesterday, I went for a follow up medical appointment with my Primary Provider that had been seeing me for the last week for a condition we are trying to figure out and and fighting to heal as wells. We did an extensive talk about the situation and he thinks ther is an emotional component to the condition. Finally he gave an end to our conversation with the phrase, "You are as sick as secrets you keep."


He had me thinking and meditating about that phrase, all day long while I do the weekend cleaning and organizing. I guess I have kept to many secrets for myself and it might just too heavy on my body systems. I consider this site a very safe place to start unveiling this secrets or untold situations that might be triggering my sicknesses, maybe not, but I need to let out my thoughts from today, maybe this will help.

I am not as happy as I might try to reflect to everyone around me and around Spark pages. In fact I am very unhappy with my marriage and the relationship I have with my husband. My parents gave a nickname that I am starting not to like a bit, my nickname in Spanish is Muñeca, and in English that is doll. My mom explained to me that when I was born, they start to refer to me as the porcelain doll cause they find I was beautiful and very loving. Looking at my baby, infant, childhood and adolescence pictures, I guess they were right, but I guess the nickname did a double function, or what I might like to say, a double trick. I feel like people, including my husband keep playing with me and using myself to entertain themselves. I will explain myself with the most recent situations.

On February 4, we celebrated 34th anniversary well, he said that he will take me on a trip to South PR to a restaurant I really love and that I have not visit ion about 15 years. Then the same day, he told me that next year, for our 35th anniversary we will renew our marriage with a ceremony at the same church, with our daughters, and family members and a really nice wedding party. I was happy, but something inside was not believing him.

Well things start coming up and we did not go on the trip to South PR to celebrate our anniversary like he said he will. On February 14, I cook a really nice dinner for him, I made his favorite dessert, and I bought him a new polo for the Spring. He told me that he was too busy that day to go and pick something for me, but that he will make all the arrangements to to take me on that trip to South PR to the restaurant i love during the last weekend that was a long Holiday weekend. Well things came up, and he did not say a word about it and he spend the money in fixing his car and buy the annuities of the car license that were going to be due on February 29. Then on Sunday he did not say a word to me about anything, but I was observing everything and guessing what will happen, he decide to bring his friend the handyman and work on the yard the whole day. I felt so deceived and used, but I kept observing . Then on Monday he announce that we did not have enough budget that he will take me on the trip this weekend after he get his pay check, last Friday. I guess I had to agree with him, but I was very, very upset cause his car could wait for this weekend and I am just feeling I am not important for him. I feel he needs someone to cook, clean, and do the laundry cause as long as I do that and do not whine about out¿r relationship he is just OK ion his world.

Well this was the weekend i had been waiting since the 4th, and this morning he allowed me to sleep until 10:00 am, and then he came into our room and announce the he left me some coffee and that he had to go out and run some errands. By 1:00 pm he cam asking for lunch and saying he was very hungry. Then he announce that as I am not feeling very well that he decided that I better take care of my health and that the next long Holiday weekend he will take me on that trip to South PR and to the restaurant I so much love. Can you, my Sparklers friends see what I mean he playing with me and using me. I feel he will not take me to any place but he keeps exciting me and keeping me eager just to have my mouth shut and getting away his way.

I did not want to fight over the situation cause my neighbor
had been in the side yard all day and I do not want to listen to my unhappiness so I decided to do some cleaning, but the cleaning keep me reflecting about all the sadness i am carrying around with this marriage. Many situations, where I felt I am not important in this relation ship kept coming to mind. For example, we live in a 66 years old house, in the Metropolitan are of the capital city San Juan. There is a lot of contamination around this crowd city. The floors of this house has no finish anymore. The tiles had turn to be very porous and it is so hard to sweep and mop them that I end up the cleaning exhausted, and besides i have to sweep and mop it everyday cause all the contamination, dust and my dog. Well I have been begging him to move from this house and from this area that makes me so sick and tired and he keeps making financial excuses, like we are 10 years away of ending the mortgage, or it will be to costly to refinance this house and make arrangements, or that he would like to retire in about 5 years and he does not want his retirement money to pay for a mortgage for a new house, or that he can fix the house using some of our savings, or that he will bring a contractor to fix all the problems that this house have right now, and so forth on a world of well made excuses. When the time comes to make movements and decisions, he start coming very late from work and he start saying that the goverment gave him another project, that he is getting very tired that we will get the house done but later on, and it all keep going in a never ending a vicious cycle. Nothing gets done and nothing happens, and I keep feeling that I am not important in this relationship and that my feelings, health and desires does not count anymore.

I has been 34 years of me taking care of him, of the kids, of the house, of the errands, of the bills, of the finances, of every single situation that happens around the house, or the family, and I have never felt care of from his side. He planned his vacations and do not let me know until the morning he start his vacations, when I come to our room to wakes him up. he plans the trips to his hometown, to see his family and he will not let me know until the very moment he is leaving. Can you see, my Sparklers friend, there is not a together between us. If buys something I know about it when he comes home and bring it with him, I am not part of the decision anymore, and I can keep on giving so many examples of this weird, one side relationship I am in.

He keeps telling me the he is the financial provider and that I should value and appreciate him for that. Sometimes he had told me that I do not produce anything in this marriage, that he is the producer and he is the one that would decide how to use his money, leaving me with the desire to quit, to go get a job and start providing for myself and start caring for myself and keep on with my life, while he keeps on with his lives, but this is not the way I view a marriage, a couple's relationship.

I guess some of you might said well leave him, or why don{t you get a divorce, and I guess it is the right question. But I am afraid i am scared of feeling alone by myself, I am not ready for a divorce, or maybe I am not ready to be happy,... I am scared, all I know is I am afraid....

I have been an Emotional Eater from my adolescence. I am an Emotional Eater today, and I guess I need to fix my emotional and social life before I can loose any weight. The burden I feel is just too heavy on my shoulder and I guess that as I am having the support of this Obesity specialist and as I am not eating sugar, I am starting to feel again, the pain is showing up again, and it is very easy to vie things and situations from another perspective.


My Sparkling friends, I need your understanding, I need your support, I need your motivation, but most of all I need your advises, specially from the ones that had been on my shoes and can understand what I mean and how I feel. Looking forward to have an eye opening discussion that will lead me and others to more solid emotional healing, thank you for taking the time to read and comment on this matter.

Love to all my Sparkling fiends,
Carmen
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • CJEANNEM
    Dear Carmen, I would like to copy the comment from below. I got comments about a present I gave to him. He said this is a present from myself. You don't work or earn anything. It's worthless. Several other things fit as well. He was cheating on me. You hear from counselors on TV, etc., that if you think he is cheating, he is. You didn't say anything about that, but I wondered since he went on vacations by himself. I tried for 2 years to stay in the marriage. At times, I believe I put my life at risk. I remember once I bought a pair of big earrings that had sharp saw tooth edges. My thought was I couldn't go sound asleep (and I didn't) and maybe would be able to fight for myself. He took me into situations where my kids could have died. At 9:00 am every adult was extremely drunk except me-very sober). My baby walked out the front door alone with the lake 50 feet away. My husband didn't stop him, and when I got up to save my boy, a man stopped me. He called a word that rhymes with witch and a few other names because he was mad that I didn't drink with them. Very aggressive. It flashed through my mine in just a second-I think God was supporting me. I could see that I could go over that man, get my children, and go to the truck. There was a loaded rifle there and I KNEW if he came after me, that I would shoot him. He said to Floyd, "Your _____ing wife said to get out of her way, that one way or another she was going out. I looked at Floyd and I sometimes wonder if he saw the thing that I saw in my eyes. He jumped about a foot off of his chair and the whites of his eyes shone all the way around. He said to the man, "I think you better get out of her way." I never went anywhere with him again. He was welcome to go with me, but of course he never did. I know you and God have to make this decision to stay or to go. When I left I had high school plus a few college classes from 13 years before. No job skills. You have that going for you. I will think and pray about you. I know it is so hard. Love you, Cheryl
    3385 days ago
  • MYHOPEISINYOU
    I think your doctor is right. I lived through similair circumstances. I stayed with my husband because I had lots of excuses to stay: for the kids, I can't afford to divorce, maybe he will love me again ect. I probably would still be with him if he had never told me he had a girlfriend.

    Making the decision to divorce was the hardest decision ever...I never wanted to divorce. Every day was an is a struggle, but every day is getting better. The house is more peaceful. The kids even say it's nicer to be at home now. I am free to do whatever I want (if I can afford it). It's like a huge burden has lifted...another one has been trying to pull me down...trying to provide for my family. But, the freedom from being under his emotional assualts is wonderful.

    I certainly can't tell you what you should do...that is between you and the Lord. But, I can tell you that you are a woman of great value! You are a princess a daughter of the KING! You are loved beyond compare, no matter what you decide to do. No decision you make can change the way God feels about you...you are priceless!
    3391 days ago
  • STRONGDAWG
    i will pray for you.
    3397 days ago
  • HIPPYCAT
    Hugs!

    Keep your faith up. There are all these things I can think of to tell you - Like that things won't change until you decide to make that happen, like you need to tell him how you feel (maybe by showing him what you wrote here), but -

    I don't really know you or your situation. What I can tell you for sure is that if you pray in faith, you will know what to do and you will have the courage to do it.

    You can do what you need to do. Take strength in those who truly love you - Only they see the real you, the strong you, the worthy you.

    Believe.
    3398 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/12/2012 12:20:47 AM
  • LACRESHAH
    Carmen, the situation that you are in sounds very bad. I can tell you that by eating when you are sad, mad, or lonely is you punishing yourself. Make yourself a priority. Is your family supportive of you? Have you disclosed your unhappiness to your mother? Your culture and customs are different where you are and I am not sure what is acceptable. Can you go and stay with your family for a while and see if your husband finally finds how to contribute to the family. Are your children grown and out of the house? It is not fun to be alone, no one likes it, but sometimes it is better than being with someone who treats you like a servant. Look around, see if you can find a job. When he tells you at the last moment that he is going on vacation, don't let it show that it bothers you. Enjoy the time he is away, do something that YOU like. There are so many things that I don't know about your situation, but try to enjoy life and ease up on the cleaning and cooking. Don't act before you have a plan. Know what you want to do and always have a backup. Sometimes I feel that when they say "I am going to do this . . . . " don't let them see that you care and that not doing it causes you distress. If your children are grown and taking care of themselves and you feel so used, then change the situation. Put yourself on the top of your list, you have earned it! LOVE YOURSELF and Others will Love you too!
    I'm sure that writting this long blog helped you feel some better. Feel free to let out any pent up emotion when necessary and remember every time you pick up something to eat when you are feeling bad that you deserve to be healthy and go for a walk instead.

    Hope this helps. Take care of yourself.
    3432 days ago
  • LADYVARGAS
    emoticon I will keep you in my prayers. emoticon
    Si necesitas un hombro para llorar aqui esta el mio, Pero tambien estan mis manos para ayudarte a levantar.
    Dios te bendiga, emoticon
    3436 days ago
  • CIERAPOET
    I Send Comfort and Peace from God. I have learned that the Final Authority on Anything is God. Therefore Always Put the Word First in Everything. He Keeps us in PERFECT Peace Who Mind is stayed on Thee. I have learned to Put His Super in My Natural and Depend on His Wisdom to Keep Me Uplifted. We Are All Here for You. Many are the afflictions of the righteous but The Lord Delivers us OUT of them ALL. Thus saying: THIS TOO WILL PASS. Keep Your Faith and Trust in God. He Will Never Fail You and He Has Never Failed Me. I'm Praying God's Will to Be Done In Your Life! Many Blessings To You!
    Deb emoticon emoticon
    3437 days ago
  • ANGELWENDYMAMA
    It does sound like a one-sided relationship. He doesn't seem to value you at all. :( This makes me sad, too.

    Have you ever considered going to counseling about this? I couldn't get my husband to agree to go so I started going by myself as I was at a point of deciding to leave him or not - (a few months ago). When I started going and I told him that was what I was there to decide, and offered again for him to come with me, he finally agreed and then things got a lot better for a little while. We stopped going around Christmas when we all got sick and have been sick with one thing after another since then. Just now that I'm starting to do better, I'm thinking about going back again, with or without him. I originally thought it would be too expensive, but then I found out there were graduate interns there who would take me on at just $5 per session.. which was the most I could handle. That was very helpful and she was terrific!
    3442 days ago
  • WILDFLOWERR_
    Carmen, I suffer from many of the same spouse problems that you do. My advice to you is, live your life! Live each day to the fullest! Live it for God 1st, then yourself, and everyone after that! What good are you to anyone, if your not taking care of yourself! Right now in my life, the Y is my closet friend! My home life is the pits! But, when I get to the Y, I am sO happy! (Taking care of myself and enjoying the company of people with the same interests as me.) I go at least 5 days a week! Maybe some day this will not longer satisfy my need for companionship, but right now it is doing the trick just fine! I know you love the Y as well. Find something you LOVE to do, and throw yourself into FULLY! AND remember God never puts more on you than you can handle! and that He LOVES YOU with His AGAPE love!
    emoticon
    3442 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10630535
    What that doctor said is so true..what we carry inside can make us very ill if it good..some where i read disease = dis - ease ..so it makes sense. My heartfelt empathy goes out to you..no advice,,it is in your hands what you do..but this is your life,your 'one' shot,so whatever you decide ,get stuck in and allow yourself to be happy. best wishes xx
    3442 days ago
  • JAQUANAH
    I am sorry you are so unhappy, Carmen. I have no advice that has not already given but I send love and support. emoticon
    3442 days ago
  • LORETTA24
    emoticon Dear friend, my heart goes out to you and the obvious pain you are having. It sounds as if your doctor is wanting you to understand that joy and happiness come from within yourself. You must be happy with who you are before you can be happy with were you are or who you are with. It is very possible that even if you were to go out on your own you would still be were your are ... unhappy.
    This is what I did when I was in a similar situation and thought I'd have to end my marriage after 14 years together (we'll be married 41 years this May). I sat down and made a list of things that brought me joy (examples: flowers, music, church, baby animals, trees, sunsets, sunrises, the beach, laughter, clean jokes, stain glass, bubble baths, herbal teas in tea cups with saucers, girly visits, board games, audio books, etc.). I looked around my home and focused on the things that I loved or cherished there and then set about finding ways of having them arranged or positioned where I could see them easily. I had either the item or a something that made me think of it like a picture where I'd see it often. I put the music on I love so it played always (even if it was very low so you might not notice it right away). Every place in my house, yard or vehicle had something to bring me joy. Every morning I thanked God for a new day to experience new joys (saying it OUT LOUD so I could hear it). Every night at dinner I would say out loud 3 things that brought me joy during the day (examples, I heard a bird singing outside the window, my dh carried out the trash without me asking, I finished a project ... No I have a house, food or family are allowed to be used). As I shared my joys with my family at the dinner table I encouraged them to do the same. We all had a hard time doing this at first but after a while we upped it to 5 joys. This may seem foolish to you but it really worked. Not only did I become happier, so did those around me. My dh used to give me empty promises and discouragement also. I got so that I would just look him straight in the eye and without speaking a word,I would then very deliberately turn and walk away. If he yelled or followed me I just kept walking away quietly. (I did take a lot of long walks down the road for a while. lol) When he'd make a promise, I'd smile and say I'd like that in writing please and then giggle. It got my point across without having to explain or being confrontational. Sometimes, he'd want to know what I meant by that and my response would be "You know that I love you, but actions speak louder than words" and again, smiling with a giggle. Always with a smile and a giggle to keep it light and not hurtful. It took a while but things got better ALL AROUND! This may not be for you, but it worked for me.
    Know that all things are possible with God! Lean on Him and search counsel there. If anything I shared with you is helpful I am glad for it. If not then I got some good typing practice in. Look for the positive in your life and find the joy in your day. Keep smiling sunshine and know your are loved! emoticon
    3442 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/27/2012 1:39:23 PM
  • JECKIE
    emoticon
    3442 days ago
  • JAYNEMARIE58
    Carmen, I am so sorry that your husband treats you so badly! It doesn't sound like a marriage to me. It sounds like he purchased a slave. I know there are no easy choices here. I also know that letting it out and sharing with us will help you to start healing. Instead of holding it all in, when something happens come here and share. Know that we are on your side and in your corner! I will keep you and your situation in my prayers.
    3442 days ago
  • WARMSPRINGDAY
    Yes, carrying things inside of ourselves can make us physically and emotionally ill. Warm hugs to you in this difficult time. Please know that I understand your pain. I echo SEABREEZE's advice. Not to excuse your husband, because each of us must take responsibility for ourselves, but it is likely that he also may not be finding in the marriage what he hoped for or expected. This does not downplay your pain and stress - I understand this. Truly I do, in ways I am not free to discuss. Perhaps a look at your relationship to see if he is finding what he needs there as well. As men and women, we often don't understand each other's needs and wishes. With that in mind, I'm listing some resources below that I have found helpful.

    Before you "throw in the towel, May I recommend to you the book "Love and Respect" It has been life changing for me.

    http://www.barnesandnobl
    e.com/w/love-respect-emerson-eg
    gerichs/1102583183

    You can also visit their website at
    http://loveandrespect.com/index
    .php

    They have a blog you might find helpful.

    Another site that was life changing for me
    http://ati.iblp.org/ati/famil
    y/articles/family/wivesresponse
    /part1/

    These are not magic potions, and they require hard work, but may sometimes be successful.

    I'd also like to recommend the movie "Fireproof" if you have not seen it.

    Please feel free to sparkmail me any time you need to unload your heart. I'll be happy to listen.

    Please know that your worth is not in what others think of you, say about you or how they treat you. Your worth is that you were created by a loving God who knows and understands you intimately and cares for you deeply. I hope you know him. If not, seek for Him and you will find Him.

    emoticon emoticon
    3443 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/27/2012 5:45:21 AM
  • KADULAC
    I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't have any advice, I've never been in that situation or known anyone who has. I will keep you in my prayers. emoticon
    3443 days ago
  • EJOY-EVELYN
    Fortunately, we have a God who holds incredible love for you.

    My heart cries out in sadness for the heart-felt news you shared with us today. To see that it has come this far, without the communication two people in marriage should have, is so unfortunate. We do not have the power to change other people, but God does . . . bring it to him in prayer. One television preacher who professes this message is Joyce Meyer and she’s been an incredible influence in my life because of her love of Jesus Christ, wonderfully strong marriage (it's a team!), and her passion for teaching the Word of God.

    I would pray that you have a pastor (perhaps a female pastor or counselor), who can provide you with some strategies that help build-up a marriage or tear down, should that be the best option for all concerned. I do know that Nancy Leigh DeMoss is one of the finest experts around giving Godly advice. By going to her website (reviveourhearts.com/) and keying ”building up husbands” in the search engine, you should find one great resource amidst the first ten topics that come up. She’s an incredibly gifted Christian.

    May God grant you the strength, comfort, and courage to abide in him to help make life truly worth living again. Life on this earth is far too brief to not “Be joyful always; pray continually; and give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thes 5:16-18)

    3443 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/26/2012 11:55:14 PM
  • no profile photo CD10018622
    I am praying for you, Carmen. My flesh wants to tell you to go on strike and let him see just what you produce in the home and family.

    I was maried before to a man like you describe. Thankfully God delievered me from that and placed me in relationship with a good man who appreciates me and considers me a partner in the work of making a home and family. I pray that your man will come to this truth.

    I have done some travel, and I know that what you describe seems to be common in the South American culture. It would appear to be a cultural issue, so you are fighting generations of this being the norm. Would you say that is true for your culture, that many men feel as your husband does?

    That being the case, you need great wisdom and discernment in how to change yourself and what you do that would help to change your husbands perspective. I don't think it is good for you to hold it all in. Telling him how you feel and why is important, but know how and when to approach the subject is also important. For example, with the next promise, let him know that you will not be holding your breath in wait for it because he has shown you that his word does not mean much with such promises.

    I am praying for you. It is a difficult challenge in any marriage. Hugs to you, Darlene
    3443 days ago
  • PENNEYV
    No easy choices here, but know that sharing and putting your feelings into words is a beginning of getting well. Praying for you! emoticon
    3443 days ago
  • CARRAND
    Carmen, you deserve better.
    3443 days ago
  • ADZY86
    Carmen, I'm so proud of you for reaching out to us on here. Your doctor was right; sometimes keeping secrets to ourselves can do serious damage to our mental well-being. I hope you know that if you ever have a secret that is burning inside you, you can ALWAYS reach out to your Sparkling family.

    I've never been married, so I feel a little but amateur giving you this advice, but I can only speak as someone who has been in a relationship that made me question myself everyday. made me question my worth, my beauty, my character, and was slowly diminishing my self esteem. Our boyfriends/husbands should be the person that makes us feel the MOST special, that we have absolutely no doubt loves us, knows our worth, and counts us as an EQUAL. From what you have said, your husband does none of these things.

    I can't tell you to leave your husband, that wouldn't be fair. It is your life at the end of the day. But you do NOT deserve to be unhappy. The question you have to ask yourself is, are you going to be happier if you leave this relationship? Yes, of course you're scared, and it would be a big decision to leave after 34 years together and him being the father of your children. But is that fear nothing compared to the sadness you feel now? Sometimes we all need to ask if we would be happier alone, than stay in a relationship that makes us sad every day.

    YOU ARE WORTH HAPPINESS. YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS. Do what is right for you. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3443 days ago
  • no profile photo CD11475265
    emoticon Carmen. I don't have anything to add to the others' responses. But know I am here for you and you're in my thoughts. Emotional turmoil is an awful thing to be in the midst of. I've been in two bad marriages before I finally decided to put myself and my children first. Do what is right for you.
    3443 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6329775
    emoticon

    There is no easy answer. But inner emotional turmoil is not healthy.

    I have read so many times and think it is true that - you might be able to influence another's behavior, but you cannot change another person. You really only have control over yourself.

    So here is some advise....

    1) Stop expecting and wanting your husband to be different than he is. This can be the beginning of inner healing. Accept that he is who and how he is. Your husband's perceived inadequacies are only as important as you make them.

    2) Know that you have a great deal of inner strength. You might feel weak and powerless, but you are not. You have been using all your energy and strength to carry these emotional burdens, this can be extremely exhausting. This strength needs to be redirected. Just do little things at first - change yourself in small ways - ways in which you know you have the will to change. Choose the person you want to be and then pursue that journey - constantly forgiving yourself.

    3) Set a date with yourself once a month to do something that appeals to your inner self. The date can be a half hour or all day. It can be as easy as window shopping in your favorite store or choosing a color that you LOVE to paint your toenails.

    4) Identify some of those inner fears. Say, I fear ____. Then ask, What is the worse that can happen if ____ happens? Then ask, Can I live with that or am I strong enough to live with that.

    Hope these ideas help.

    Good luck with your journey!

    3443 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/26/2012 7:22:43 AM
  • JAMER123
    Carmen, I can not begin to know the hurt and pain you are suffering from with the lack of a supportive husband. I have a very loving and caring man that would give me the world if I asked. We are on the rare side of marriage and have many friends we have talked with and tried to support them through their pain. The advice I have read here is what I would tell you too. Take you letter and rear it to your husband, if he will listen. If he doesn't, don't become verbally angry with him but do what he would least expect. You know what that is. If he says he is planning a vacation, you take it on and plan it. He will back out and you go anyway. The 1st thing you need to do is begin to put you 1st and put the "I" back into your life. Therapy, job hunting, taking on projects and lots of faith in yourself, is something to work with. I will keep you in my thoughts & prayers that all will work out as was meant to be.
    3444 days ago
  • KERRYG155
    Good for you getting that out on paper and off your chest. That would be the first step in healing but next you need to talk to him and tell him what you think a marriage is and what it is not. He should be making the house livable now because if you don't do a little at a time it becomes impossible to get it done and he'll be moving anyway. Why is he going on vacation without you? I go on short trips to see family but he has only gone once when his dad was dieing and our daughter went with him. Since he owes you a trip you should tell him to sit down and plan it with you-dates, places, everything and get reservations. If he doesn't agree to some changes then I know it wouldn't be the best thing to stay together because it is making you ill. I can also understand the thought of trying to make it on your own after all these years. I've been married 40 years now and have to admit I've thought of leaving and I'm not sure how I would manage never having had a full time job and now in my 60's. Scary thought!
    3444 days ago
  • BOO-SHAY
    emoticon Know that we care about you and to make sure you take care of yourself!

    emoticon emoticon
    3444 days ago
  • KIMMYWIZZIE1
    So much pain. So MUCH pain. Carmen, you are so strong and so brave. I hope that you and your husband could get counseling. I think it would really help if he would agree to it. No one should have to be made to feel like they are unimportant and that their feelings don't matter. I saw where you wrote that he "allowed" you to sleep in until 10:00. Marriages aren't about allowing a spouse to do anything. They are a partnership. You deserve more.
    3444 days ago
  • COACHKRYSTIE
    Carmen, My dear I am so proud of you for writing this, I have read the comments so far and I agree that counsiling for you (and him if willing ) would be ideal. Pat hit it on the head best when she said start focusing on YOU and making YOU important!

    I'm here for you, my situation was similar in the fact that he pushed me away, never wanting anything to do with me. I had to muster up the courage to say NO I DO MATTER and I will not tolerate this. I'm glad I did or I'd be where you are now in 15 more years had I not filed for divorce.

    I love you and you can do this!! (Whatever "THIS" may be).

    Krystie
    3444 days ago
  • DJ4HEALTH
    It sounds like he has got his life and you and not in it. He also might have some one else or he would not be planning things with out you and going by himself like he is doing, You need to find out and soon so that you can move on with getting better. If I were you I would also work on myself to get healthy and then tell him to hit the road but I would also have a job so that I would have something to support myself. Courts are getting to that point that they make the wife go to work even though she has not worked all through the marriage.
    3444 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8117576
    Carmen, you know we have similar marriages, so I know it hurts to go through what you're experiencing. It has helped lately for me to make time for myself, do my own things, and most importantly....not pay much attention to him. I would show so much interest in whatever he'd done at work, what his thoughts and dreams were, what his goals were, his random thoughts, etc....but he never wanted to share my life with me in return. So now I don't make the effort, and he is definitely noticing the change. When he apologizes for letting me down, I no longer shrug it off and say, "Oh, it's ok..." because it's not. So I'm proud of you for sharing all of this, bringing it out in the open, and I hope things will get better for you in time. On the trip to South PR, is there any way that you could make the trip alone, or make the trip with Angelica and her husband? If all three of you contribute to the gas money and the meal costs, it might not be as expensive. Maybe? Hugs!!
    3444 days ago
  • MAIDAMONTREAL
    Carmen, I am sorry to hear about the pain you are going through. I wish there was some way you could gather up the courage to leave your marriage and start afresh and anew. It would be tough at first and a huge step but I think it would get you out of your comfort zone and that you would be much happier in the long run. I hope you find the right solution.
    3444 days ago
  • DDOORN
    Carmen,

    I hope you can find the courage to speak your pain and unhappiness to your husband and that he can be loving enough to allow you to speak without interruptions and give you his full and undivided attention. Ideally the two of you could agree to meet together with a therapist to help improve your communications.

    You both have a responsibility to your relationship and you both play a part in the problems that arise: he, by not listening to you and you, by not speaking your truths, whether happy, sad or mad.

    Yours in SPARK!

    Don
    3444 days ago
  • LINDA!
    Carmen - I am so sorry for what you are going through. Your physician is correct. I started going to therapy, alone, in 2008 after 24 years of marriage. There were many issues that I kept bottled up inside of me. Talking to someone helps and allows you to have opinions from an outsider. If your husband will attend couple's counseling, that will be wonderful. However, I advise you to go by yourself if he won't go with you. emoticon
    3444 days ago
  • MILLISMA
    Carmen,

    So sorry to hear what you are going through. I would also ask if you've considered couples counseling?

    Your doctors quote is very true. Hiding your unhappiness can make you ill. Wish I had some advice for you. Do you feel comfortable enough to talk to your doctor about how you are feeling?

    Keeping you in my prayers emoticon
    3444 days ago
  • LUCKIEST24
    Dear Carmen - Well done! It must have taken a lot of soul-searching and courage to write this blog. I am so proud of you!!! The only thing I can offer is this: YOU are the most worthwhile person in your life!!! You deserve to be happy and it that means doing things for yourself, so be it! You have so much value.....your husband just doesn't want to see it because he likes the control. I am rooting for you, Carmen!!!!!
    3444 days ago
  • ADLINS
    I'm so very sorry this is happening to you. I am single and do not have to worry about this, however, I know how very difficult it is to be an afterthought to someone. I agree with PoeticBlonde. Try couples counseling. If he doesn't go (and I suspect he won't) find a way to go to counseling on your own. At the very least, divorce aside, you need to make peace with the situation so you can move forward with your life. The big question will be can you be happy with the status quo? I'll be praying for the best for you.
    3444 days ago
  • GROEDER
    Carmen,
    Reading your blog saddens me greatly. I wish I had great advice for you, but being single all my life, I have never been in a situation like yours. All I can say is that I am praying that God gives you guidance and sees you through these troubled times.
    You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
    Gregg
    3444 days ago
  • no profile photo CD11415356
    Hi Carmen.

    It sounds like you are going through a tough situation, but I agree, Spark is a good place to open up. I must confess, I'm not a very good advice giver, but one thing I could think of is, have you ever thought about couples counseling at all? That might be an option. And from what I do read it sounds like you are trying your best to do what you think is right, and that you sound like a caring person with a good intentions. I know we are new sparkfriends, but I just wanted to let you know I try to keep in touch with everyone on my list, and that I hope things get better. emoticon
    3444 days ago
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