80,000-99,999 SparkPoints 86,061

This Is Enough, I Can't Hold It Anymore

Saturday, June 02, 2012

I am having a very rought time with Noel, my husband. He retired yesterday,and I did not knew anything. He even had a good bye party at his office, and I did not knew anything about it. He told me everything about it, this mornong, after breakfast. I was in chock. Where did all this 35 years of marriage went? Where had his trust, in me, gone? Does he really care about me?

I feel Noel does not care about me, and he does not value me. I feel he does not care about our marraige, nor value it. What he did, regarding retirment, he did it, on his own, without communicating it to me, nor consulting it with me. This atitude of him shows me that we are not a couple any longer. Can you beleive it? Yesterday I had Medical Insurrance, today I do not. Yesterday was his last day at work, so we will not have any benefits any longer and I did not know about it. Can you beleive it?

We do not have any IRA, nor retirement savings, he will only get a monthly payment, that will be half his regular salary, and we are supposed to live on that amount. When I complain, this morning, he only answered, "you can go back to work, I just worked enought for you." This is not a marriage any more, and I am very, very very unhappy.

I talked to my mom and my sister, at noon. They were in chock, too. They both understood my feelings and they agree with me, that this was a very unfair attitude from Noel's side. I, also talked to Angelica, my youngest daughter and she understands my feelings as wells. So, in this regard I do not feel so lonely.

After talking with them, I talked to a recently divorced friend and she heard me and she was very upset with Noel's attitude. I got her lawyer phone number and I made an appointment for Tuesday. I will be working the Education Department situation out, with him, but I am also filing for divorce. I can not live with Noel any longer. I feel betrayed as if I were betrayed with another woman. I never know what to expect from him cause he does not include me in his plans.. There are not ours plans anymore, there is only his plans. I do not count anymore. Enough is enough and Noel does not take me seriously. I feel devaluated and mistreated.

I am so sorry to be venting this situation with you all, my Spark community friends, but I need to do so, cause I do not want to eat over it. I need understanding and support, and I am asking it from you all, please. I am a little scare, but I feel strong enough to face whatever and fight it out victoriously because of me, because of my health and because of my dignity.

I will be anxiously looking forward your replay, cause this is really tuff , intense and a lonely situation. Thank you for stoping by and for taking the time to read and share this blog with me.

A hug,
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Carmen, you haven't blogged for a while, nor have I heard from you or seen you on message boards. Are you doing okay? Remember to stay in touch because our support system is important to our success.

    3289 days ago
    Unfortunately I just found your blog today. I see you haven't been on here in a bit. Did things get better? Not asking out of curiosity, but rather hoping you are okay with whatever decision you have had to make and that things are getting back on track for you.

    Use exercise to vent your anger as well. A lot of emotion can break free during a really good work out - and a healthy, cleansing cry to follow.
    3297 days ago
  • BARBIE042
    emoticon emoticon and prayers sorry you are going through this . And that is what we are all here for to listen to each other and help one another though tuff times .

    3300 days ago
  • CARMEL_466
    Hi Carmen,
    I'm so sorry to hear your news. My thoughts and prayers are with you. emoticon
    3304 days ago
    Oh wow..... I am so very sorry.... I have been reading some of your blogs.... seems you are doing for everyone else.... who does for you!! You have to LEARN to do for you.... You are so worth doing whatever is best for you. When people make you feel bad it is because they are trying to control the outcome for themselves. You are not important enough for them to consider.

    You are responsible for you. You are worth whatever is necessary to do that emoticon emoticon emoticon

    thanks for the friend add..
    3311 days ago
    Just read this... wondering how you're doing now...
    3322 days ago
    God Bless you and please do seek God in prayer regarding your situation. Divorce is expensive and is not God's choice for us. I know because I was divorced in 1996 with
    a 4 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. It has been a struggle and if you haven't worked during these years, or have some kind of retirement it's going to be even tougher on you. If you are of retirement age, you can collect some Social Security off his wages all these years since you've been married over ten years. Good luck to you and will be praying about your situation.
    3330 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1336516
    My sweet sister... I am praying... I just sent you a long message!!! Love you! emoticon
    3330 days ago
    Carmen, My heart goes out to you. This is a difficult time for you when your husband who should be your closest companion is doing his own thing and excluding you. What is his reason? Have you asked ... maybe it is the open door to communication with a third party as a go between. I think you have gotten a lot of advice here and compassion also. I know marriage is hard and something this cruel is hard to accept. I agree with some of the others who have said to step back from your first reaction and spend time alone with God seeking his leadership in this. Divorce is a costly way and it is final! My prayers for you to seek God, do not act in a rash manner, your husband may be hoping to see your caring heart here. It is difficult when you have been hurt I know. Ask God to help you know what to do, and to feel comfort from Him.
    emoticon Hearts are with you and praying for you. Elaine
    3341 days ago
    This is a serious decision to make. I agree with
    most of what Bobbie Northern posted. Men go
    thought mid-life crisis in different ways than
    women. Something similar happened to me
    in 1978. My DH of over 25 yrs. seemed to
    change & get secretive & was a stranger to
    me. I am sorry that I didn't know what he
    was going through until later. It was a year
    later, that I read a book by a man, who went
    through this very thing. He even had his
    plan in place. Praying for you that you will
    make the right decision. I know you are
    feeling so hurt and lost right now. I hope
    that he will be willing to talk to you, and
    tell you how he has been feeling and that
    your marriage will be saved. Divorce is a
    very hard thing to live through. Basically,
    you exchange problems of the same
    intensity, most of the time. May God bless
    both of you at this time to find a peaceful
    3341 days ago
  • JUNEBUG150
    Will keep you in prayer that God will guide you in the right direction and give you wisdom to make the right decisions.
    3343 days ago
    Please read Bobbie Northern's post again. She gives very sound advise. A lawyer is going to help you sort through these problems and issues, He just wants the pay from your legal battles.

    May I suggest you get the book Love and Respect by Emmerson Eggerich. It really explains Bobbies Northern's points about men and women not being the same.

    As far a work and little income and no insurance ... God knows all that and when you trust Him and lean on Him, He will provide in ways you could never imagine. Please read God's Word at least daily. Cling to his Word when you want to worry or cry or scream! He allows trials to perfect us but yet He will never give us more than we can bear.

    Hugs and so sorry for this trial but trusting Rom. 8:28 to become very real and such a blessing to you!

    3343 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10081037
    hugs, trust in God at this time, we are all family here on Sparks people, and where ever we can help you in support, encouragement and prayer, take care and vent away!!!
    3343 days ago
    Sparks is a family, so no need to apologize for pouring out your heart here. I'm sorry you are going through this but just know you are not alone. Even though we may not have all the right answers we will ride in this rocky boat with you. I'm sure right now you are overwhelmed. I suggest you take a step back, take a deep breath and listen for God's guidance. He is always with us to guide,help and comfort us. My prayers are with you.
    3343 days ago
    I haven't been on this team in a long time, but I heard your cry for help, and I want to reassure you that God will be your perfect husband! We all have very flawed relationships because we are such flawed people... that's why we need Jesus! Lean into Him for wisdom and strength as you wade through these feelings, and keeping seeking community -- much better than food!
    3344 days ago
  • TEALADY0531
    Dearest Carmen - don't ever worry about venting here! I know my Sparkfriends have put up with a lot of venting from me; and have always helped me feel... not so alone, hugged and supported, prayed for. emoticon

    You are certainly in a painful and intense place right now. I can't hope to advise you - only offer my support, my prayers - and ALWAYS, a virtual shoulder to cry on! I f you ever need that shoulder, drop me a SparkMail or something - really!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3344 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10752350
    Carmen, men and women do not think the same.

    He may not even realize that what he did and has been doing even bothers you.

    There might also be some medical reason with him or depression or something in his mind and emotions causing him to do this.

    Divorce is very final and will not solve anything really, just add more problems then what you already are facing.

    Yes, I can most certainly understand your feelings but something is going on with him and you ae still his wife and I think you are about the only one who would care enough to figure out what is going on.

    Has he always been like this are just recently?

    Have you been trying to communicate with him about how he makes you feel?

    Like I said men and women do not think the same and do not see things from the same persepctive.

    I would get into my prayer closet and seek the face of Jesus with this one. emoticon emoticon
    3344 days ago
    I am so sorry to hear what you are going thru and can certainly understand your shock and hurt. His behavior in not even talking to you about his plans is inexcusable!! emoticon I'm so glad you came here and vented so we can support you and pray for you. You are a very strong woman to have done that rather than turning to food!
    3344 days ago
    I am so sorry you are going through this. I will keep you in my prayers. emoticon
    3344 days ago
    I am praying for you that you will make the right decision. Going back to work will be good for you too. You should not have to live like this anymore. Was it always like this or was the marriage good in the beginning. Did he change along the way or was he always like this. I hope you enjoy some nice quality time with your daughter in Texas and best of luck with their new home.
    3344 days ago
    What he has done is just wrong. Maybe counseling might help, maybe not. Would he even go? The main thing is that you shouldn't have to put up with this.
    3344 days ago
  • no profile photo CD2092681

    What an incredibly strong and brave person you are to recognize all these feelings, then come to us to safely vent instead of stuffing yourself with food. You will know what is right for you. Please don't ever be sorry for coming here and venting---this is what we are here for. Most, if not all, of us have been in that type of anger most and we will most likely be there again. This is such a safe place to vent. You are brave enough to seek help-----some do not they just sit on the anger and resentment and let it fester and fester and eventually take over their lives.

    You will come through this a stronger wiser person even though it doesn't seem like it right now.

    God be with you and GREAT BIG HUGS COMING YOUR WAY!!!!

    3344 days ago
  • BRISTOL2425
    Wow, I can not imagine what it must be like to live in your home with so little communication. I will be praying for you over the days and weeks ahead. Think long and hard about a divorce. They are not the easy solution and there is a lot of guilt that goes along with them. Talk to God and I will pray for you and for peace in this situation!
    3344 days ago
  • KROLES55
    I am praying for you today. So sorry to hear of this.
    3344 days ago
    Blessings to you, I pray you find comfort and strength.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3344 days ago
  • no profile photo EJHEINRICH1
    Carmen I am so sorry to hear that you are going thru all this! He certainly does have his own agenda doesn't he. Sound like a mid life crisis and this is his way to control his own agenda.
    Going to work was a good thing for me it opened up more doors than I could ever expect. Good doors for me! ;-)
    Best wishes to you and whatever you decide to do!
    I will keep you in my prayers
    3344 days ago
  • NAYNAY69
    I am so sorry you are going through this pain and confusion. I wish you the best solution in this situation what ever it may be. Take your time to feel what you need to feel and learn everything you need to learn.

    We are here to listen anytime you need to talk.

    3344 days ago
    I now what it is like to deal with everything alone. My husband has dementia And he is getting angrier And harder to get along with.With God we can go through all things.If you can get some concealing .That help me a lot.Some churches also conceal people.May God be with you and the Holy Ghost guide you. emoticon
    3344 days ago
    Wow!!! Amazing that it could happen without your knowledge. Is divorce the answer though? It's tough and it hurts . . . . and it is drastic. Perhaps counseling first, sounds like there is a HUGE communication gap. (((HUGS)))
    3344 days ago
    You're feeling betrayed. Your emotions are going to be intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. You need the freedom to ventilate that rage. The language of anger is never pleasant; however, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad. Get it out of your system girl. You don't want that anger to “go underground” it will only eat away at your innermost spirit . It is very important to be free to express the rage that you're feeling.

    After that first surge of anger which you're already expressing--comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How long has it been going on? And so on. This is the time to be ask those all-important questions. You certainly have the right to know. The information is important and shouldn’t be squelched. At this point do you not feel as though those precious marriage vows lie shattered on the floor —If it's gotten to this point there is nothing left of the marriage to protect.
    This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level you want to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.
    Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will be dragged along through the balance of the marriage if you choose to stay. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this will become an albatross around the neck
    Being the wounded spouse, the power to continue the marriage has now passed into your hands, Choose wisely hon because whatever choice you make we always have to live with the consequences. In the end you just make sure you do what you need to do for YOU!

    3345 days ago
    I agree with Dawn about talking to him about what happened. Divorce is not easy and it hurts a long time too. So if you can go to counseling together.
    3345 days ago
  • SUNSHINE1954
    Carmen I am truly sorry that you are going through this. It can't be easy for you or your family. As others have said there is a definite communication gap, but as others have asked, have you spoken to Noel about your plans and thoughts of filing for divorce? Would he consider counselling or is he beyond that? I will pray that you will find God's will in this and that you will follow it. Know that you are in my prayers and know that this is a safe place to come and vent. Don't ever apologize for doing that, it is better to express your feelings than to stuff them with food. I congratulate you on coming here rather than turning to food. emoticon my friend, Joanne
    3345 days ago
  • KRYSTL719
    sweetie, its time you do everything you can for YOU, you deserve it. There i sno more waiting to get hurt again. You do it, and stop worrying. Your heart tells you the right things. Listen to them, and listen to the advice of good people. Dont be afraid. We are here for you, you have good friends!
    3345 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7575928
    I am so sorry that Noel has made you feel this way. You do not deserve to be treated like this. You have e Rey right to feel the way you do and again I am sorry. I am glad you are taking charge though and doing what you feel is best. Hugs.
    3345 days ago
  • no profile photo CD11815044
    Big hugs hon. I hope all goes well with the lawyer.
    3345 days ago
    emoticon Carmen Sorry don't know what to say as I have never been married though it just doesn't seem fair I think he should have discussed retiring with you before he did it
    3345 days ago
    Carmen, so sorry to hear what you are going through. Have you and your husband ever gone for counseling or is this the "straw that broke the camel's back". Will keep you in my prayers.

    3345 days ago
  • KERRYG155
    Wow. That's really odd how he could retire from work and not let you know until afterwards. That's one of the big discussions we've had since we have to have medical until social security and medicare kick in. I would hate to throw all those years away without at least some counselling though. Hopefully he will try to learn to communicate again. If not, I hope everything works out with you.
    3345 days ago
  • no profile photo CURVYELVIESAYS
    So sorry to hear about this. You have every right to feel the way you do. What your husband did was really awful. I know how you feel my ex husband was that way also. He divorced me without even knowing so what does that tell you? Esto va a pasar tu eres fuerte y una mujer de valor. Ten fe que todo estara bien. Mucho amor...Elvira
    3345 days ago
  • no profile photo CD3604344
    Carmen, my heart truly aches for you. The loneliest feeling is being with someone and not being loved or valued!!! It's what I call "married single".

    My prayers are with you. I honestly pray for the best for are very much valued & loved by me and this team. I am always here for you.

    Keep strong and positive!!
    3345 days ago
    emoticon Carmen, I will pray for you and your husband! I am so sorry that there was not proper communication between the two of you! This is a life changing situation and he should have sit down with you and talked it over! I pray that the two of you can talk about this and that somehow you can work through your feelings! I have been through divorce and it is definitely an emotional situation for everyone involved, but please remember your child! I know you are trying to do the right thing! You did talk to your Daughter about your feelings and that was a positive step! I know you feel betrayed, but it might be a good idea to take a step back before filing for divorce. Tell your husband what you plan on doing and how you felt about what he did. See if he is willing to go to counseling because there is definitely a communication gap! I am here for you and will be praying for you! God bless!
    3345 days ago
    Oh My GOSH Carmen! That is Terrible I'm so very very sorry your going through this!! Sending you many many hugs
    3345 days ago
    Carmen , please do NOT eat vent to us . Retirement is a time in life that should be planned for. So sorry that this happened .but you have a lawyer's appointment set up I wish you luck. emoticon
    3345 days ago
  • EASH5M
    (((( emoticon )))) ... I can't imagine what you are going through, I agree this may be worse then him having another women. no healthcare! That is the worst. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    So sorry you are you going through this. Glad you choose to talk to your friends instead of eating. You have lots of support here.

    3345 days ago
    I am SO sorry he went about this the way he did...I can't imagine what a slap in the face that must have felt like to you. Nobody deserves to be excluded like this by their spouse and I am so sorry you are hurting. I wish I had the right words that would take the pain away for you, but unfortunately, nobody does. I will send good thoughts to you, and hope that you find your way through this situation in a way that leaves you feeling happier at the other side.

    emoticon emoticon
    3345 days ago
  • no profile photo CD557571
    Carmen, I am so sorry to read this. I can't imagine a man doing something as life-changing as retirement, and not involving his wife in either the decision-making or communication. My heart goes out to you.
    3345 days ago
  • no profile photo CD9739508

    You . . . and your hubby . . . are in my prayers.

    3345 days ago
    I am so sorry for your pain and what you are going through. emoticon
    3345 days ago
  • GLMOM2
    emoticon emoticon

    3345 days ago
    Carmen, I am so sorry that this happened to you. Have you talked to a minister or counselor also to get objective advice.
    Is there a job field that you could get position in for the time being?
    That would give you benefits and money.
    3345 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment
    Member Comments Page (68 total): 

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.