At War With Myself
Monday, December 24, 2012
I've been binging for the last week, and it shows. At first I blamed all my emotional binging on visiting with my family. They cause me a lot of stress, which is why I live so far away from them in the first place. They in Chicago; me in Virginia.
But that's not truly the full reason. My BF of 5 years passed of stomach cancer in March 30, 2012. I was his sole caretaker. it was a worldwind. We had four short months, and he was gone. I have been in a depression since then.
I reconnected with an old classmate from grammar school. We were actually friends when everything was good in my life. And when we got the news, he was one of the people I confided in. I have a ton of FB friends from my school days in Chicago. And he's one of them. We have been communicating more -- almost daily. He has been a God send. I can laugh again. He knows I'm in mourning, and he's ok with that. I post things all the time on FB about my sweetheart who passed. My friend and I plan to see each other over the holiday break. I'm nervous. Scared. I don't want to make any mistakes. And on some level I feel guilty. Would my love be upset with me for laughing again? For going out with someone? Should I be happy or sad? And most importantly, I don't want to lose the connection with my sweetheart. If there truly is a spiritual realm where he is with me, but I just can't see him, I DON'T want him to go away. I want him to always watch over me. He was everything to me, and still is.
Anybody go through any of this? I'd love to hear any thoughts.
December 30, 2012
I've returned home. I didn't meet up with him. I'm not ready. I still need to heal. Chip was such a great friend, lover and partner that I simply can't be with anyone else right now. I'm going to bask in the memories we made together. For now, that's enough for me.