At War With Myself

Monday, December 24, 2012

I've been binging for the last week, and it shows. At first I blamed all my emotional binging on visiting with my family. They cause me a lot of stress, which is why I live so far away from them in the first place. They in Chicago; me in Virginia.

But that's not truly the full reason. My BF of 5 years passed of stomach cancer in March 30, 2012. I was his sole caretaker. it was a worldwind. We had four short months, and he was gone. I have been in a depression since then.

I reconnected with an old classmate from grammar school. We were actually friends when everything was good in my life. And when we got the news, he was one of the people I confided in. I have a ton of FB friends from my school days in Chicago. And he's one of them. We have been communicating more -- almost daily. He has been a God send. I can laugh again. He knows I'm in mourning, and he's ok with that. I post things all the time on FB about my sweetheart who passed. My friend and I plan to see each other over the holiday break. I'm nervous. Scared. I don't want to make any mistakes. And on some level I feel guilty. Would my love be upset with me for laughing again? For going out with someone? Should I be happy or sad? And most importantly, I don't want to lose the connection with my sweetheart. If there truly is a spiritual realm where he is with me, but I just can't see him, I DON'T want him to go away. I want him to always watch over me. He was everything to me, and still is.

Anybody go through any of this? I'd love to hear any thoughts.

December 30, 2012

I've returned home. I didn't meet up with him. I'm not ready. I still need to heal. Chip was such a great friend, lover and partner that I simply can't be with anyone else right now. I'm going to bask in the memories we made together. For now, that's enough for me.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD12746945
    I am so sorry for your loss but I agree with the others. I'm sure your sweetheart would want u to be happy and laugh and love life again. It's wonderful that u found someone who can make u do that again. Hold on to the memories and cherish them but you have to learn to live again. Whatever your religious beliefs are involving him watching over you, hold onto that too. Imagine him laughing with you. Enjoy your friendship and time you can spend with your friend when they come to visit. Don't push them away because you're not sure if you're being "unfaithful". You loved your sweetheart with your whole being and he would want you to be happy. It's time to move on but remember what you had. Best wishes and best of luck. Enjoy the holiday season, I know it's a tough time when you've experienced a tremendous loss but try to be happy for the "new" friendship you've rekindled.
    3139 days ago
    I'm sorry for what you must be going through. This time of year can be espeically difficult. If you passed before he did, wouldn't you want him to be happy? You wouldn't have wanted him to feel bad about laughing again or embracing his life. I'm sure that BECAUSE of the love your shared, he would WANT you to be happy and find whatever the next chapter for you will be. You can move forward without losing your memories and connection with him. I hope you have a wonderful holiday season and you can find joy in whatever is next.
    3140 days ago
    take one day at a time or 1 hour if need be! You can do it! I binge too!
    3140 days ago
  • no profile photo CD11172095
    I'm on a slightly different note: I was, with mom, 24 hour Caretaker for my dad, as an invalid, for 6 years. When he died I was in school full time and am also disabled with a Traumatic Brain Injury. 5 months after dad died we had to make the decision to move, or go bust. We moved 3hrs awy from my brother who basicly has disowned us, so that choice wasn't hard. The hard choice was moving 3 hrs from the cemetary where dad is. It took until we were here a yr to realize that I don't want dad to be busy watching over me now that he is healthy,can see again, is riding a bike, laughing and being happy again! I really want him to be celebrating his time in eternity! I love him to the end of all time! I also love my Lord Jesus who IS the ONE I want watching, leading and guiding me for the rest of my days.
    I really don't think that your love wouldn't want you to stop laughing and smiling just because his earthly body is gone!
    3140 days ago
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