starting over again (and again and again and again and again)

Friday, September 19, 2014

Every single day I say I'm getting back on track and every single day for one reason or another it doesn't happen. I feel like a drug addict that just keeps using even though I promise myself that each time is the last time. Nothing seems to get me motivated. I can only think of what's happening in the moment which is usually what I want to stuff my face with. I honestly don't know how I ever did this. I think I've just "learned" too much and all the conflicting information sent me over the edge. And now I don't know how to make my way back from it. Every plan I come up with - I argue with myself about why that's not the BEST thing to do and then I end up so confused and frustrated that I just eat junk instead. And the more tired I get, the more junk I eat. I'm really starting to feel the effects of my poor eating now. Not only have I gained back a substantial amount of weight, but I can't sleep anymore. I keep waking up at 3 or 4 in the morning and then it's impossible to sleep. I have heartburn throughout the night. I'm getting headaches. This is all on top of the on-going lack of energy and brain fog.

I think it's the lack of sleep that's snapping me out of it this time. I'm already tired all the time even when I get a full night's sleep. There's absolutely no way I can function on 5 or 6 hours. I know my body. It will cause me a massive meltdown. I can't risk it. I know that I slept the best in my life when I was doing the whole30. I HATE the rigidness of the program. I don't do well with restrictions. But I think the benefits outweigh the negatives. I know how good I slept, and how stable my blood sugar was and how it was the ONLY thing I've tried that really got rid of the cravings for me. I think I've got to make an honest effort at cutting gluten and sugar and processed foods again. I definitely CAN NOT keep going like this.

I'm starting over. I might only make it till lunch. But then I'll start over again. I can't give up on this.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon Even on the hardest days, you're never alone. We're all in this fight together, and we all know how hard it is to keep going. You are strong, beautiful, and amazing. Don't give up on yourself. emoticon emoticon
    2421 days ago
  • 46SHADOW
    I read the title of your blog and thought that's me! The best choice is to keep trying. Fall down 6 times get up 7.
    Sometimes I remind myself that I will like and respect myself more if I keep my promises to myself. sometimes help.
    I have the feeling that once you start the momentum swinging the other way you'll be good. emoticon
    2462 days ago
    You can do this!! emoticon
    2462 days ago
    The rigidness of the "programs" may be what trips you up! Life, in general and not just food & exercise, is about balance. Everyone's definition of balance may be different, but the official dictionary definition is: to arrange, adjust, or proportion the parts of symmetrically. I think you have to play around with the give and take to see what works best for you. Right now, you know where you are is not balanced and you're not at peace. What can you tweak or move to feel better? Start with small steps and move towards that balance and hopefully each step will start adding up to make you feel better! Life is too short to live it feeling bad. Yolo!!!!
    2463 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12535725
    There is so much truth in what you say that it is hard to read. I'm in the same situation...Intelligent, determined, clear understanding of what needs to be done...yet I don't do it. All you can do is continue to start over until it clicks. And it WILL click. Believe in yourself. Don't give up. You are so worth it.
    2463 days ago
    I promise you, I've been there.

    Here is what I discovered this last time. I still didn't have the motivation. I started anyway. I just did it. I started exercising and I didn't like it but I did it because I knew that I needed it. I was eating right. After two weeks, I felt my moods shift. I realized how much better I felt exercising and eating right. Now, it is over two months, and I feel pretty amazing. I might still have weight to go, and I might have a while to get there, but now that I realize the difference, it should help.

    I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Weight struggle is the MOST awful things.

    And it is an addiction, and you CAN break it. Just keep choosing better every day. Or every meal, or every hour. Whatever you need.
    2463 days ago
  • ABBY_G
    Hi. Your words are ones that I could have written.

    You wrote:
    I know how good I slept, and how stable my blood sugar was and how it was the ONLY thing I've tried that really got rid of the cravings for me. I think I've got to make an honest effort at cutting gluten and sugar and processed foods again.
    You know what to do. You know it's hard to do. You've done it before and can do it again. I hope that you re-access the inner (and outer?) resources you used before to take the steps you need to take to accomplish your goals.

    Thanks for inspiring me today with your struggles! They are mine, as well.
    2463 days ago
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