starting over again (and again and again and again and again)
Friday, September 19, 2014
Every single day I say I'm getting back on track and every single day for one reason or another it doesn't happen. I feel like a drug addict that just keeps using even though I promise myself that each time is the last time. Nothing seems to get me motivated. I can only think of what's happening in the moment which is usually what I want to stuff my face with. I honestly don't know how I ever did this. I think I've just "learned" too much and all the conflicting information sent me over the edge. And now I don't know how to make my way back from it. Every plan I come up with - I argue with myself about why that's not the BEST thing to do and then I end up so confused and frustrated that I just eat junk instead. And the more tired I get, the more junk I eat. I'm really starting to feel the effects of my poor eating now. Not only have I gained back a substantial amount of weight, but I can't sleep anymore. I keep waking up at 3 or 4 in the morning and then it's impossible to sleep. I have heartburn throughout the night. I'm getting headaches. This is all on top of the on-going lack of energy and brain fog.
I think it's the lack of sleep that's snapping me out of it this time. I'm already tired all the time even when I get a full night's sleep. There's absolutely no way I can function on 5 or 6 hours. I know my body. It will cause me a massive meltdown. I can't risk it. I know that I slept the best in my life when I was doing the whole30. I HATE the rigidness of the program. I don't do well with restrictions. But I think the benefits outweigh the negatives. I know how good I slept, and how stable my blood sugar was and how it was the ONLY thing I've tried that really got rid of the cravings for me. I think I've got to make an honest effort at cutting gluten and sugar and processed foods again. I definitely CAN NOT keep going like this.
I'm starting over. I might only make it till lunch. But then I'll start over again. I can't give up on this.