1 day pity party, from a newly divorced woman....

Saturday, December 06, 2014

Well, it is official. As of December 2nd, I became a legally and officially divorced woman. I just found out by my ex yesterday that the judge signed the papers on Tuesday. After almost a year and a half of separation to a douche canoe I was married to for only 2 weeks before he asked for a divorce, it is finally over. No one, in my entire life, hurt me as bad as Greg did. Of all the memories that we shared, the one that sticks out the most, was when we had our first fight after we got married, and he got really mad even though I didn't do anything wrong, and then he just started yelling at me. Just yelling and screaming at me and I just remember crying and crying and sobbing and sobbing and he wouldn't stop yelling at me, and when I was almost to the point of hyper ventilating because I was crying so hard he finally walked away. That was the first of many fights in the very short time we lived together after we got married. The last fight was when I begged him to go to marriage counseling so we could try to save our brand new marriage and he replied, "I would rather put a gun to my head and pull the trigger."

So when I started crying after I got the text yesterday, informing me that our divorce was final, I know I wasn't crying over Greg because he is a complete asshat. I believe I was (am) crying over the loss of my dreams and hopes that never came to fruition. I see that smiling, glowing, woman who was almost floating down the isle July of 2013, all googly eyed and grinning ear to ear. Thinking that it may have taken her 40 years but she had finally met the man of her dreams. Then the very man she thought she had waited for her whole life did everything in his power, to try and break her spirit. I wish I could go back in time and bitch slap her into reality.

In the 1.5 years that we had been separated, I have had one relationship. It was a whirlwind of a romance. It only lasted about a month, but I fell fast and hard, and he too, broke my heart and almost broke my spirit also.

Friends and family, excuse the rant. I think everyone should be entitled to one rant per divorce and this is mine. I am not having a pity party (okay, maybe I am having a MINOR one). I have a loving family, an amazing son, the most loveable cat in the world, who I am crazy about and adores me. I live in a house that I love, and drive a car that I love, to work every day substitute teaching, which means I get to be with kids all day, which I love. I have the most awesome best friend in the world Susan who has the most awesome boyfriend in the world D.j. I have my faith, and my health, and a Bachelor's degree with a double major. I have a lot to be grateful for, and I am grateful for all of these things.

However, I have to say, that I do not believe in love anymore. Not for me anyway. It makes me sad because I have more love to give than you could possibly imagine. All I have ever wanted more than anything on this planet, other than being a mom, was to be in love with someone who was in love with me back.

The Bible says to delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Maybe I have been doing a piss poor job of delighting myself in the Lord, because while I know He has not forsaken me, the desires of my heart (love) have gone unanswered for so long, that I honest to God do not believe in it anymore.

Thanks for letting me have my 1 day rant/vent/pity party. I needed to get this out of my system.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    *sigh* I guess I identify with this a blog a little more than I care to admit.

    This September 24th will mark the 4 year anniversary of the break up of my 15-yr relationship. We went to grade school together so I have known his parents pretty much all of my life which makes it seem like we were together much longer. There have been a handful of interests but the longest was about a year and he was a mistake of ample proportions. A more than decent guy but with too many issues and an inability to get his life in order by "adulting" like the rest of us. That break up was by far worse than the one of 15 years.

    I moved 300+ miles away from my family AND my best friend to accept an offer of employment with my dream campus doing my dream job. And while I have friends up here and great colleagues, I am basically alone. I could go out more so I suppose my isolation is self-imposed to a point. Sometimes, I wish I were back in a relationship. Sometimes, I think I will never find anyone who "gets" me. But mostly, I am simply trying to find new and different ways to enjoy this time falling in love with myself.


    2258 days ago
    I am so sorry you went through that horrible experience. I remember when you met Greg, and those happy times. I also remember before Greg, and how strong you are and how good a mother you are. You've lost weight, you've taken care of your son, you worked hard to get through college. you've encouraged and inspired us. As foreign an idea it might seem now, you WILL get through this.

    2403 days ago
    Sounds like the Hubs had some fantasy ideal of what married life would be, and when the script didn't play out exactly as it had in his head, he threw a fit. My first husband used to put his head down on the table, cover his ears and chant, "I can't hear you. I can't hear you." Made it very difficult to discuss anything serious with him. Worse yet, my mother had never seen him do this, so she basically called me a liar when I tried to tell her about it. Until he did it one day at her house.

    I'm glad you husband wasn't around long enough to turn his out-of-control temper on you and your son. That's often the next step.

    Altogether, it sounds like the year from Hell. Good that you had emotional and practical support from your family, although it's always difficult to go back to being the dependent daughter after being out on your own for so long.

    You deserve love, real lasting love that doesn't quit when life hits a snag or two. I can't promise you that Prince Charming will come knocking on your door, but there are good, kind, decent, responsible MEN out there who can appreciate the loving, beautiful person you are. I hope you meet some of them when you aren't looking.
    2409 days ago
  • DEE797
    2410 days ago
    *HUGS* I'm sorry. That must have hurt so much.
    2412 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon You are going to continue taking your own life back...knowing you when you met and married Greg...I can say that the issue was HIM...but that does not help your broken heart. You are grieving the loss of your dream...but don't give up hope. You will find love and your TRUE love. Glad to see you back here with us at the BLC. emoticon

    Are you teaching? emoticon
    2417 days ago
    I can relate.
    2417 days ago
    2430 days ago
    You are certainly entitled to a short pity party. Lord knows, you have been through so much.

    I truly believe that you will find someone for yourself yet, but it probably will happen when you least expect it and aren't looking for it. I grew up thinking that I needed a man to validate me and that the world would look at me unkindly if I did not find one. I think I approached almost every man I met and liked as a potential husband. I have been married for 37 years, but he is not the right person. On the other hand, I really tried not to convey that same message on my daughter (now 29). She found a guy during her first month of college, and 11 years later they are still together (not married, but they will be some day).

    Try not to disappear here. You have inspired many, and this community can help you a lot.
    2431 days ago
    2431 days ago
    YOU DESERVE TO HAVE YOUR PITY PARTY!! Be thankful you're free from such tyranny. Won't say all that i could because it would be words tinged in your feelings of being that dewey eyed woman who thought she'd found "the one". Be strong! Now you can get on with/begin your life. emoticon emoticon
    2431 days ago
    Through the trials and tribulations, your character is formed...

    And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

    Please don't give up on God, cause He will never leave you. emoticon
    2432 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/8/2014 12:04:22 PM
    Sorry you had to go through that. While painful, you have to know now it would have been horrible to stay with someone that treated you that way. Be glad you are away from him.

    Love tends to find us when we are looking. Don't give up!
    2432 days ago
    I was married for ten years but really for only three good ones. Since I have been divorced (which is many years) and been single, I have bought three houses, sold two houses and found a career I liked. I am 62 yrs old and single. I am looking forward to my retirement so I can travel and explore new things. I now have a deal with God. If he wants me married, He needs to put the man right beside me and hit me in the head with a brick to tell me he is the one. I am not looking because there is so much more to life than being married. Don't misunderstand me I'm happy for those who are happily married, I know its wonderful. I just don't see it in my future and I'm good with it. You will do just fine.
    2433 days ago
  • KIMBERLY0916
    you have your pity party .. but instead maybe call it something more applicable to knowing what you DON'T want .. recognizing what you DO want ... focusing on positives like you are doing .. etc

    just know that if i can survive being told that my fiance didn't love me and only used me for drugs and alcohol and he was leaving ... put me into a serious downward spiral crash ... that landed me into a psych ward ... where YES i most definitely was NOT looking for ANY relationship whatsoever!!

    but have, in fact, met my soul mate and the best most caring loving open honest relationship I've ever known anyone to ever have .. including my parents who will celebrate 48 years married in April!

    the cliches hold true .. never know what you're looking for until you find it ... when you meet the one you'll realize why it never worked with anyone else ... it's the most amazing feeling in the world to love and be loved equally ... when you meet the one you'll know it ... and you'll do everything to work together to stay together

    ... i never ever thought i'd meet anyone i wanted a long relationship with let alone ever get married .. (longest I've dated someone was a year and 2nd longest was 3 months)

    ... and yet here i am .. just turned 39 .. engaged and would be getting married on 12/13/14 if some uncontrollable circumstances hadn't arisen ... there will be other dates .. and a lifetime together

    so .. keep doing the positive / more healthy / be kind to yourself stuff .. it's worth it !!

    first love yourself ... and yes truly never know what or who is still out there waiting to be found
    2433 days ago
  • SUGAR0814
    Sorry you had to go through a divorce but it sounds like it was best! Stay strong & keep it moving! emoticon emoticon
    2433 days ago
  • APED7969
    Good riddance to such a horrible person. Sometimes the hardest thing to let go of is the idea of a future together and not the reality. Don't give up on love, just work on learning to love yourself and love from others will come if it's meant to.
    2433 days ago
    I was single until I was 35 . I had stopped looking and was focused on me , not in a narcissistic way, just working full time and learning things that I was interested it. I was not unhappy being single. I felt very empowered in my ability to support and do for myself.
    Being single is not the worse thing. A crapola relationship with no way out is.
    Be grateful that you are capable and able do live your life on your own terms.
    If love shows up you can consider if it is what you want.
    emoticon emoticon
    2433 days ago
    I am so sorry this happened to you, I remember when we were so excited about your marriage and the family you were going to have. I agree, don't give up on love, but maybe give yourself a break. If the Lord wants you to get married again, trust Him to provide the man. Marriage isn't for everyone but I do believe you will find love again.

    2433 days ago
    Sometimes we try so hard to "find" love ... we don't let it find us.
    2433 days ago
    I so hope that you don't give up on love just because of that poor excuse for a man. It could still be out there for you...but don't give up on being a single woman and managing to be happy as one! As a longtime single gal myself (13 years or so), I can tell you that it is very possible to be single and content. Does it sometimes get lonely? Heck yeah, it does! But happiness comes from within, not from someone or something else. Be happy on your own, you deserve it.
    2433 days ago
    I hope you get the most out of your party because at midnight it should be over and you can take all the things you have to be thankful for and start the second half of your life. Just leave the rest behind and travel light.
    2433 days ago
    2433 days ago
    You are definitely allowed one rant per divorce. Don't give up on love, it has a way of surprising you.
    2433 days ago
    Consider yourself very, very lucky to have gotten out of this toxic relationship as early as you did. I have known too many couples who dragged out a marriage with disastrous results. Now you can get on with your life! emoticon
    2433 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2433 days ago
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    2433 days ago
  • NEPTUNE1939
    Stay on the coarse of happiness - mingle energetic doers & shakers not disgruntled grumblers or haters. God Bless! emoticon
    2433 days ago
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