Oops I'm venting :/
Friday, May 01, 2015
I realized that I have become very much less self-concious of my body. For most of my life from middle school days till recently, I always found myself lacking. I felt self hatred and insecurity. A few years ago, I started praying for my mind not to be so focused on my body size and shape. That I would remember that God doesn't see me as a body but as a soul. Other people's opinions about my body don't concern me. That I would go about my day not obsessed with and conscious of my body. And I stopped the other day and realized that this has come to pass! I do get concerned about my health and that the weight effects that. But I'm not looking in store windows to see what I look like. I'm not going through the mall seeing bodies walking past, analyzing each shape and size. I'm focused on my life, my dreams, and my passions. Of course my pottery passion is what takes up most of my thoughts and also working on improving my relationship with my hubby. And missing my grandchildren.
The one monster I have created from all those years of talking about my weight and moaning and groaning to my hubby about how disgusted the scale made me feel each day, is that my hubby now is obsessed with my weight and thinks that anytime I am a bit depressed, that it is all about my weight and I would be happier if I lost weight. He's a monster in that he is constantly listening to podcasts and reading articles on how to lose weight, and granted these articles are focused on producing a healthy body. He may be concerned about my health, and he does bring this up. But he mostly approaches me by saying I'd be much happier if I shed the pounds.
I know happiness isn't about the weight, because I am much happier now that I found something I love to do! I told him that, and he said that I'd be even happier if I lost the weight.
I agreed that I would love to lose the weight. But I don't want my life to be centered in that.
We are communicating better and better. I am not angry that he presses me about losing it. I know that he is just concerned about me. It's just that every week or two he observes I'm not progressing he tries to fix me by telling me about a new and different approach to my problem. He's a man and he like to try to fix me. But I get confused and think I have to try each passing fad on how to lose weight, thinking that what i'm doing is not good enough. On one hand he tells me you just need to try something and stick with it long enough to see if it works for you. So I get trying something for a while, but then he tells me to try something new even before I've given it enough time.
He's too full of information. He needs to find something or someone else to focus on. I'm too handy for him to target as the object of his fix-it frame of mind. I guess that is the next thing I need to talk with him about. For him to find something else to focus on instead of all these podcasts and articles having me in mind.
I think he's trying to find what is healthy eating for himself. He's not overweight and has no obvious health issues. He wants to stay and be even healthier and have more alertness and energy. Good for him. But why do I feel that he's trying to fix me too? I know, I know...he cares about me. That should be good enough. I'll work on getting that in my head as a good thing. I just wish he wouldn't confuse me by giving me so much info. I can only work on one or two new things at a time.