A long overdue blog
Sunday, January 03, 2016
Wow, I can't believe it has been over 7 months since my last blog. I have thought about it and not done it, and now I am sorry because I would have a better handle on my thoughts if I had blogged more. But that's all in the past.
First of all, when I last blogged I was recovering from a recent arm fracture. I am happy to say that things are pretty much back to normal now. Believe me, I am reminded of my bionic arm pretty much every day. It still hurts sometimes, and I still cannot really stretch the bad arm behind my back. I certainly cannot touch my left shoulder blade with my right arm. And I wonder if I will ever be able to. But I am managing ok. I feel so blessed to have had such a competent surgeon because it was a complicated procedure.
Other than that, I am pretty much at the same place I was last January 3. It was not a good year for me weight wise. I am a few pounds lighter (no more than 5) than I was then, but I still have seen my weight creep up. When I first started SP, I weighed 232 lbs,, which was uncharacteristically high for me, even at the time. I had actually fluctuated between 205 and 215 for many years, and for some reason (I would imagine that overeating and underexercising had something to do with it) I gained a lot of weight in 2007. I had my day of reckoning at the end of that year. I joined SP and lost about 40 pounds in 6 months. I completely gave up ice cream during that time but not everything else. Looking back on that time, I was struggling even though I had success.
About 6 months into SP, I had some ice cream. I actually broke all my rules because it wasn't even great ice cream or a special occasion, but that seemed to open the floodgates to lack of control. In a nutshell, I hovered around 192 for about 5 years. I got higher and lower. I actually did briefly drop below 180 about 3 years ago. But in the last 1 1/2 years, my average weight (highs and lows) has gone up. I don't think I even saw the 180s at all during 2015. In 2016 I want to leave the 180s (and lower) for good.
At some point I became convinced that I was addicted to sugar. I felt that I was ok if I didn't eat anything sugary but once I allowed myself a little bit (the proverbial one cookie), I was out of control. Through the years, I know that I have been the subject of remarks about how I eat too much.
Over the last month I have become convinced that there is more to the problem than a sugar addiction. I believe that I have a binge eating disorder. This never crossed my mind because I am obviously not bulimic. I have never forced myself to throw up after eating too much (the though of it makes me queasy). But I definitely have some of the qualities of a binge eater. These include (among others): eating very fast, eating large quantities of food in private, planning binges, not purging, eating in spite of not being hungry, continuing to eat in spite of feeling full and possibly being uncomfortable from eating so much, and feeling guilty about it.
This past year, I have also watched as my 30-year-old daughter has transformed herself from overweight and out of shape to a lovely young woman who is training for a mini-triathlon. This is someone who recently took a 40 mile bike ride (round trip) from Philadelphia (center city) to Valley Forge on a day off from work. This in spite of the fact that she never learned to ride a bike as a child and still had never ridden as of this time last year. I have also seen my sister-in-law (much closer to me in age than my daughter) go from barely being able to walk to routinely participating in half marathons (mostly walking). So I see what a sense of accomplishment these transformations can bring.
I want mine!!!
My focus for this year will be to control my eating. I still want to be careful with sugar because I still feel like I eat too much of it, but I think I need to look at the possibility of a binge eating disorder and going from there. For awhile I felt that it would be ok to eat pretty much anything (at least short term) as long as it wasn't sugar. I don't feel that way any more.
I have posted this on my Spark Page so I will be reminded of it whenever I am on the page. It's definitely trial and error and a work in progress. I know that it is important to eat sufficient meals so that I am not hungry overall, because that will potentially lead to problems. And I am willing to indulge on special occasions but have to be careful with the definition of a "special occasion".
If anyone has any experience with BED, I would appreciate any insights. I definitely do not want to take prescription drugs for this (I think I have seen some on TV).
I wish everyone a very Happy New Year.