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A long overdue blog

Sunday, January 03, 2016

Wow, I can't believe it has been over 7 months since my last blog. I have thought about it and not done it, and now I am sorry because I would have a better handle on my thoughts if I had blogged more. But that's all in the past.

First of all, when I last blogged I was recovering from a recent arm fracture. I am happy to say that things are pretty much back to normal now. Believe me, I am reminded of my bionic arm pretty much every day. It still hurts sometimes, and I still cannot really stretch the bad arm behind my back. I certainly cannot touch my left shoulder blade with my right arm. And I wonder if I will ever be able to. But I am managing ok. I feel so blessed to have had such a competent surgeon because it was a complicated procedure.

Other than that, I am pretty much at the same place I was last January 3. It was not a good year for me weight wise. I am a few pounds lighter (no more than 5) than I was then, but I still have seen my weight creep up. When I first started SP, I weighed 232 lbs,, which was uncharacteristically high for me, even at the time. I had actually fluctuated between 205 and 215 for many years, and for some reason (I would imagine that overeating and underexercising had something to do with it) I gained a lot of weight in 2007. I had my day of reckoning at the end of that year. I joined SP and lost about 40 pounds in 6 months. I completely gave up ice cream during that time but not everything else. Looking back on that time, I was struggling even though I had success.

About 6 months into SP, I had some ice cream. I actually broke all my rules because it wasn't even great ice cream or a special occasion, but that seemed to open the floodgates to lack of control. In a nutshell, I hovered around 192 for about 5 years. I got higher and lower. I actually did briefly drop below 180 about 3 years ago. But in the last 1 1/2 years, my average weight (highs and lows) has gone up. I don't think I even saw the 180s at all during 2015. In 2016 I want to leave the 180s (and lower) for good.

At some point I became convinced that I was addicted to sugar. I felt that I was ok if I didn't eat anything sugary but once I allowed myself a little bit (the proverbial one cookie), I was out of control. Through the years, I know that I have been the subject of remarks about how I eat too much.

Over the last month I have become convinced that there is more to the problem than a sugar addiction. I believe that I have a binge eating disorder. This never crossed my mind because I am obviously not bulimic. I have never forced myself to throw up after eating too much (the though of it makes me queasy). But I definitely have some of the qualities of a binge eater. These include (among others): eating very fast, eating large quantities of food in private, planning binges, not purging, eating in spite of not being hungry, continuing to eat in spite of feeling full and possibly being uncomfortable from eating so much, and feeling guilty about it.

This past year, I have also watched as my 30-year-old daughter has transformed herself from overweight and out of shape to a lovely young woman who is training for a mini-triathlon. This is someone who recently took a 40 mile bike ride (round trip) from Philadelphia (center city) to Valley Forge on a day off from work. This in spite of the fact that she never learned to ride a bike as a child and still had never ridden as of this time last year. I have also seen my sister-in-law (much closer to me in age than my daughter) go from barely being able to walk to routinely participating in half marathons (mostly walking). So I see what a sense of accomplishment these transformations can bring.

I want mine!!!

My focus for this year will be to control my eating. I still want to be careful with sugar because I still feel like I eat too much of it, but I think I need to look at the possibility of a binge eating disorder and going from there. For awhile I felt that it would be ok to eat pretty much anything (at least short term) as long as it wasn't sugar. I don't feel that way any more.

I have posted this on my Spark Page so I will be reminded of it whenever I am on the page. It's definitely trial and error and a work in progress. I know that it is important to eat sufficient meals so that I am not hungry overall, because that will potentially lead to problems. And I am willing to indulge on special occasions but have to be careful with the definition of a "special occasion".

If anyone has any experience with BED, I would appreciate any insights. I definitely do not want to take prescription drugs for this (I think I have seen some on TV).

I wish everyone a very Happy New Year.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm pretty much self-diagnosed as BED as I do a lot of that... I had gone to visit a clinic that is participating in a study for BED but turns out they want the participants to use this Dexedrine or some such... so not sure that's going to happen. I have had bad experiences with other meds ending in -mine and -rine (been told they are all similar classes of drugs so would have similar reactions.).
    1909 days ago
    I too have had a difficult year, starting with Ray's new heart valve last year, on February 27, 2015. Since then we have had many ups and downs and my new mantra: "Ray's still here!"

    Several hospital stays and the recoveries after have taken their toll on my "diet" as well. We have to live and we must do what it takes to live. And to maintain our sanity.

    We pass this way but once. I truly believe that there are no fat people in heaven - we leave our bodies and their ills behind when we go.

    One day at a time dear friend, one day at a time.
    1998 days ago
    Talking about sugar, I always try to avoid it because when I start I find really hard to stop. I have more sugar cravings during TOM and it makes the experience more painful.
    2010 days ago
  • TEDYBEAR2838
    Great Blog,
    glad to see you are back.

    We are here for you.

    one step at a time

    2016 days ago
    This was a really great blog...very insightful. Do you remember the LTGL challenge we had a couple of rounds ago that had to do with night time eating? That was such an eye opener for me, I think I might have even blogged about it.

    Let me know what I can do to support you!!
    2033 days ago
    Great Blog...Sweet Gurl...Please consider that you do not have anything wrong with you at all...One of The reasons we overindulge is a side-effect of the processed foods we eat...It isn't YOU, you see...It is just a side effect...If you can cut back on the sugar-flour-salt-oil for a little while, I am certain you will feel MORE in Control of your hunger and your emotions (since there will no longer be any shame attached to your food)...As well, this will BALANCE your HORMONES...and put you Back into FAT BURNING mode...

    It's so hard because we have to sort of, piece the puzzle together...and some folks may have the missing piece that you might need...Come to the Library for LOT's of Great stuff on Hormones and Processed Foods...

    It's not you, who has the problem...It's the Processed Foods...They have a cause and effect...and this is just a side-effect of that...that is all.

    You are not broken...Just being delayed by side-effects...You got this!
    2034 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/5/2016 8:28:26 AM
    What a powerful blog. You're going to make 2016 YOUR year.
    2035 days ago
  • CAROL_31649731
    We're all a work in progress ... love your determination. I think this will be your year!!!! And I'll join you. emoticon emoticon
    2035 days ago
  • B-N-ME
    This will be your year! Take that motivation, couple it with determination and its a winning combination! I'm in your corner cheering you on!! emoticon emoticon
    2035 days ago
    Glad to see you back here! I think being aware of the problem goes a long way to getting it under control.
    2035 days ago
    Good luck to you. Use all of the resources that SP has to offer. And, join in group discussions, we all help each other out with tremendous motivation and support.
    2035 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    2035 days ago
    Good to hear from you!

    Even though you haven't been blogging, you have been thinking....recognizing the aspects of binge eating is huge.

    It's great that you have some role models of how a change in weight can help so much with quality of life. Very cool.

    You will get yours....this year!!!
    2035 days ago
  • MUDGE4
    You are so courageous! I'm inspired by this blog. I'm sending good thoughts your way! emoticon
    2035 days ago
    Vanilla Greek nonfat yogurt is as great as ice cream with fruit.
    2036 days ago
    If your physician blows you off, seek an eating disorder center that treats BED, or a therapist who does. I know some doctors don't believe in it.
    2036 days ago
  • FITJEN48
    Hi. While I don't have BED, I have struggled with emotional eating for a long time. I spent most of 2015 working on that. So glad you have inspirational people in your midst & your arm is better. You've proved you can do this. Time for a breakthrough
    2036 days ago
  • AMYG5025
    Sounds like you are making some progress in getting to know yourself and making some discoveries. Perhaps your physician could offer some suggestions or evaluation for eating disorders?

    I have heard of overeaters anonymous - maybe there is a group near you?
    Good luck!
    2036 days ago
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