Struggling to accept my new reality

Sunday, June 26, 2016

So I've been off work now for eight months with no end in sight. Unpaid. Issues with the insurance, which claims not enough info from my medical team. My doctor is insensed, and the insurance now has 85 pages of medical notes to go through. Well, they asked for it.

I am very, very reluctantly coming to the conclusion that this pain and difficulty walking may be my new reality. I have serious deterioration in my bones that bring me into the osteoperosis territory. The medication to prevent the return of cancer has sucked the calcium out of my bones. Frustrating, to say the least.

And I should find out this week whether I have some salivary glands removed because of lumps in them. If so, there is possibly chemo and radiation to follow.

And all this time of "putting on a brave face" has taken its toll, and I am now trying to locate and face those feelings that I have been burying for a decade of dealing with cancer.

Incredibly (to me!), my dear husband sticks by me and we continue to find things to share and enjoy together. I truly do not think I would still be here if not for him. And our 22 year old son is also doing wonderfully, recently moved in with some friends (some that he's known since pre-kindergarten), and he's staying close! I really couldn't have asked for better for him.

So now is really my time to get straightened out, face my past and my fears, my vulnerabilities. I'm finally ready!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm sorry to hear about your health problems. It sounds like it's been difficult. Your doctor sounds very nice, though! It's great when you can have someone like that on your team. And your husband must be a real godsend. So supportive! I'm really glad for your son, being able to move in with old friends. Good for him! I wish him the best! God bless all of you!
    1615 days ago
    Well that sounds easier said than done! We should talk. I am just digesting medical info about DD eldest and ... well yes, it sounds like a long long time of BATTLING and maybe it is time to just live one day at a time as it comes. Let go of goals. It is such a foreign concept. Why NOT have dreams? Well maybe because they stop us from enjoying the now. Not that the Camino would not be fantastic.. I don't think saying "no" fits in with letting go of dreams...hmm. I am not sure I can do this conversation one sided because I'm not even sure what I am "experiencing" in these thoughts.

    It IS about reinventing and discovering. Pulling off layers that were put there as insulation or covered up in the rush to react to emergencies and crises. But now... it is about gently uncovering what has been there all along. I know you to be creative and detailed and wise. You have a huge love on nature and spirit and appreciation of words and writing. There is NOTHING stopping you from developing and following those threads of your life and I think your DH is attracted like a moth to this part of you that glows when you get excited about it. It is not about our bodies.

    I am so happy when you talk about your DS succeeding.

    OK I can't linger though I'd like to. I am promised for a date at my sister's. She burned her grey card... radiation is done. Celebration time. Hugs and you WILL find joy in your new reality. The pain part I think can go. Lots to do on that front. OK... will talk later, emoticon SWAL
    1773 days ago
  • FLRED12
    Sorry you are having so many problems with your Insurance company. What a blessing to have a wonderful, supportive husband. emoticon
    1775 days ago
  • no profile photo CHRISBATTISSON
    What a great attitude. I can relate to the need to re-invent yourself and emerge from all this a stronger person. Your family will be your rock. Keep on fighting. :-)
    1775 days ago
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