1-99 SparkPoints 27


Monday, June 08, 2020

NOTE: just a heads up, my blogs are very personal, but I love the feedback and the support and motivation I get from others.

Hi Spark Friends!

WOW, 2020 already huh, halfway through as a matter of fact...

As anyone can see by reading my intro, I have been back and forth for years. Losing, and gaining and losing again... and gaining again. I've left an abusive marriage, got remarried to my best friend, had my two older sons come back into my life only to lose one to being shot and killed at the age of 19, and returning to being estranged from my oldest once again. I've watched my first grandbaby be born only to not even get to see her turn one... I haven't seen her in over 3 years. I've moved 6 times in 4 years, barely managed to keep my job after being on mental health leave for 4 months after a mental breakdown in December 2019. I had weight loss surgery almost 9 years ago. I was given a great tool and I have not used it to my advantage enough. I lost 180 lbs and gained back over 80 lbs.

Sometimes I feel like I should have just crawled into a hole and pulled the dirt in after me long ago.

But I won't, I can't, no matter how many times I have to begin again, I won't stop beginning because I know one of these days it will be the last time I begin... I will make my way to the end.

The title of my blog... one step, one day, no more, no less... to me this means taking each step one at a time, taking each day one at a time. Don't look back because I don't live there anymore, however, remember enough to be proud of what I have done and learn from the mistakes I have made. Don't look too far ahead because then you lose sight, however, look ahead just enough to be motivated and set goals.

Concentrate on each day, each step, each WW point, each minute of exercise. Not only that but every day I spend with my son, my mom, my husband, each minute of smiles, and laughter. I will mourn every day the loss of my middle son, and miss my oldest, but I can't live there... I'll never let go, but I have to live. These things are what I have learned from everything in the last 9 years.

I spent the last 4 years wondering where my mojo went. That drive that I had when I lost 180 lbs. When no one could bring me down from the clouds. When life was for me. I was just saying these thoughts to my husband the other day. He looks at me and asked me when I felt I had my mojo. It was the year I was preparing to leave my abusive ex-husband. He then stated that maybe my mojo, my movie as I used to call it was driven by the need, the want to not only leave him but to find myself, pull myself up from the darkness that the abuse had left me in. Once I was out, I then lost my drive, not because I was defeated, but because I succeeded. Once at the finish line, you do not need drive any longer.

However, although I found my drive to get me out of the dark hole, I am not sure I really found me. It is for that reason that I have continued to feel lost for the last 4 years.

I found some fulfillment in getting my sons back and seeing my first grandbaby, but then when I lost all that again, I was left looking at me once again. I have those around me, those that have always been there, my youngest son, my husband, my mom. However, I didn't quite appreciate what I had until I thought I would lose my mom. After the loss of my son, If I had then lost my mom, I would have fallen and not stopped. When she came through what she did, I was left with not only an appreciation for those in my everyday life, but also a new outlook on me.

I realized I don't look at me, not really. I can't remember the last time I really looked at myself in the mirror. You might ask, how can you keep from it? Well, I don't wear makeup or have to look to brush my hair or teeth, as a matter of fact, I really don't look in the mirror at all. Why? Well, I don't like what I see.

So, did my mojo ever come from me? I suppose I had to find some worth in myself to have finally left an abusive marriage. I realize now that I never acknowledged that I had that self-worth though. In never acknowledging that I never truly found me. I found worth in my sons, in my relationship with my mom, in my best friend who became my husband... but not in myself. What does that leave a person with? I'll tell you what... when those you find worth in don't need you, it leaves you looking at yourself, and if there is no worth there, then you will not know where to go next, not know what to do next, not know what to feel, not know anything. Numb. Empty. Depressed. Anxious. Lost. Nothing. Just a few words to voice the void.

So, where do I begin from here? I begin by looking in the mirror...

One day, one step... no more, no less. emoticon

I have changed my eating plan, I follow purple points on WW now. I've been really wishy-washy for a month now, lost, and gained back the same 7 lbs. several times now. Time to stop being wishy-washy.

I got up and sweated with Richard Simmons this morning, that felt great! Then I came here. Writing helps so much for me. The support I have always gotten here. The friends, the motivation from seeing others succeed. It completes the picture for me.

Time to look in the mirror and see the worth that's me.

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