I'm here to stay true to myself. I promised myself that I would "blog it out" many a time. Truthfully, I have not done that...I have watched my SparkCoach assessment numbers slip before my eyes and have done nothing to correct it. Half-a$$ed attempts to make good choices, track food and drink water are all there in black and white.
Sometimes it's good to take a break from the monotony of always "being good"...to rebel and go off roading. I find that, for me, there is always a quid pro quo that happens. Rebel, slide, self care dips...self esteem dips...become ashamed...emotionally eat and/or rebel again....slide some more. As the shampoo bottle says "Lather - rinse - repeat."
I feel like I've been trying to rectify and straighten out for the last 2 months and I am failing miserably.
That is not true though. It is a thought and not the truth.
Time to side track: had my very first performance review conducted at my company (the first round of anything like this for the company...we are growing up! LOL) 90% was "exceeds expectations"...the biggest critique was how I communicate...honed down to that verbally I sometimes ramble or go on tangents in meetings (LOL just like this side track I am taking you on now). Interestingly enough, whenever I do this, something comes out of it...like big stuff. I have a tendency to do this in any meeting - I think on a different plane and then ask questions. As my favorite public speaking person, Simon Sinek says: "Be the idiot" (look it up, you will be glad you did) - for me, I have been doing that for years. I need to know why you do something the way you do it in order to understand. It's how I train people - teach 'the why".
I have apologized for this in many a meeting, inside and outside of my company. I have been lovingly admonished by people I admire that I have to stop apologizing, because what I do is an asset to the conversation: I make people think.
In talking with my VPs I acknowledged the critique with an open mind, but also informed them that when I say something, I use my gut, and my gut is never wrong. Sometimes I DO keep things quiet (based on my gut) and then when the gut says to talk...I do just that. I told them I cannot and will not change that because it is an asset to the company. I will work on being more concise in how I present those thoughts. (Always have to give positive feed back and strive to better the situation on the whole).
OK - back to the point of a thought is just a thought...and we are our worst critics. I TRY a lot...and I DO a lot. In "doing," I use my gut most of the time. In "trying," I am using my head and my thoughts get in the way...and this is when the worst critic comes into the picture. In 'trying" I tend to strive for an unattainable level (something that was also brought up in my review) and I get disappointed and frustrated when things don't go the way I plan (this is a life long struggle for me).
So in trying, I set myself up for disappointment and the repeating cycle of woe I mentioned above.
In doing and trusting the act, I succeed more than I realize.
Seeing that when I'm in a state like I am now takes a wide angle lens to see, rather than the microscope lens. This was another thing that was brought up in the meeting...overall, I have changed the company for the better. That's the wide angle lens from my superiors. On a more microscopic level, they are concerned for my stress levels because I care so much about what I do - a blessing and a curse! LOL In fact, they told me to lower the bar for everyone else because my expectations are higher than everyone else's. What a cross to bear! LOL
I do have high expectations for people in general. I always have. I expect it from me, so why don't others? Ahhhh...now where's that low self-esteem section of my personality lurking? LOL Kinda hardwired in that way...and it is something I strive to curb every day. But my brain won't turn off and it keeps on spinning. That's why I took up meditation! (sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't)
I expect others to be as kind, caring, understanding, and hardworking as me. In fact, that is how I view someone I first meet. It's what I want them to be, it's what I expect them to be. It's my bubble I use for adapting to new situations. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. It's so hard when they turn out not to be that way in the negative. Case in point, the new coworker honeymoon is over. Her actions proved me wrong. I am disappointed. I miss my old work-wife. I have to mourn that. I'll adjust and adapt until I get my own office, but for right now, a level of trust is gone.
I've been writing all morning. My thoughts are just thoughts. I have things to do, but the thoughts are getting in the way of taking action.
Yup...we are in a slump and this too shall pass. I'll adapt as needed. I have the backing of the VPs in working from home until I get an office. I'll make visits there during the week. My presence will be known for sure. Stinks when you have to be the one that does all of the adapting....
This too shall pass....
Thanks for listening.