Self Sabotaging Behaviors
Thursday, September 06, 2007
It all goes back to childhood. Growing up in an enviroment where men were in charge and women and children listened. So food was a way of coping with stress. Food became my friend. I also used food to prtect me, to care for me. It didnt. So here I am gaining weight to protect me from bad men and it didnt. I put up a barrier, closed off the world, stayed to myself and with my best friend FOOD. So I married thinking my husband would protect me. No, but he was okay until he starting beating me, so my friend food came bad to me. I heard, I was stupid, no one would want me, I wasnt pretty, etc. But Food was with me. Food never called me names, blamed me, talked about me, lied about me, hated me. Foof loved me. So I had to deal with past trauma's to get to the real me with the big, loving heart. Well now I am dealing with my past issues and can see the reaL ME. I am finally over the habits of being perfect, being a co dependent, over control through people pleasing, forginging those who hurt me , physically, sexually, verbal abuse, and to ignor or deny my anger. I no longer have nighmares,I am able to meet new people, I am getting on with my life as a new person, ME. So now with spark people and my new friends I am making it again. Thank you.
This was hard for me to write this because I have not shared much of this with others. But I have learned that my weight problem was more than just over eating , it came from my past. I had to go back in time and deal with the problems, write a letter to the persons about how they hurt me, and to forgive them. That was hard. It brought back a lot of memories I thought I put way back never to be seen again. It was emotional and I cried a lot, but I learned and am growing to be the better person , with the big loving heart.
Please dont think badly of me for my pasI . As I have learned it was not my fault. ( I was 5 when it started).