Self Sabotaging Behaviors

Thursday, September 06, 2007

It all goes back to childhood. Growing up in an enviroment where men were in charge and women and children listened. So food was a way of coping with stress. Food became my friend. I also used food to prtect me, to care for me. It didnt. So here I am gaining weight to protect me from bad men and it didnt. I put up a barrier, closed off the world, stayed to myself and with my best friend FOOD. So I married thinking my husband would protect me. No, but he was okay until he starting beating me, so my friend food came bad to me. I heard, I was stupid, no one would want me, I wasnt pretty, etc. But Food was with me. Food never called me names, blamed me, talked about me, lied about me, hated me. Foof loved me. So I had to deal with past trauma's to get to the real me with the big, loving heart. Well now I am dealing with my past issues and can see the reaL ME. I am finally over the habits of being perfect, being a co dependent, over control through people pleasing, forginging those who hurt me , physically, sexually, verbal abuse, and to ignor or deny my anger. I no longer have nighmares,I am able to meet new people, I am getting on with my life as a new person, ME. So now with spark people and my new friends I am making it again. Thank you.
This was hard for me to write this because I have not shared much of this with others. But I have learned that my weight problem was more than just over eating , it came from my past. I had to go back in time and deal with the problems, write a letter to the persons about how they hurt me, and to forgive them. That was hard. It brought back a lot of memories I thought I put way back never to be seen again. It was emotional and I cried a lot, but I learned and am growing to be the better person , with the big loving heart.
Thanks all.
Please dont think badly of me for my pasI . As I have learned it was not my fault. ( I was 5 when it started).
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MIKKIJ726
    Thank you all for the kind words. They are truly a help to me. And to know such caring people as you all have been. Bless you all.
    5049 days ago
    Mikki..sorry, I mis-typed my year of marriage!!! I meant to type 1965, not 85!
    Your Sparkfriend Sheryl
    5067 days ago

    What a wonderful feeling it must be to have these burdens lifted from you! Your words are inspirational and show how much your life and thinking has changed about yourself. Your courage is awesome! I could never think anything other than complete admiration for you and know that blessings are raining down upon you this very moment! EVERYONE has a cross to bear but not everyone puts that cross down as you have!

    I noticed that you like Tim LaHaye. When my husband and I got married in 1985, we moved to San Diego (DH was in the Navy) and Dr LaHaye was our minister at Scott Memorial Baptist Church! He is quite an amazing person!!

    Your Sparkfriend Sheryl
    5067 days ago
  • JOEGIRL6113
    Mikki, I think you have come through a very tough life and have had a long hard journey but are so much stronger for it. The good Lord has seen you through all this and you do have a huge heart for loving Him and all your friends. I am so glad that you have done the really hard task of writing those letters to forgive those who have harmed you in any way. I know it took a lot of courage to do that but YOU DID IT! Now you can love yourself for the wonderful person you are and keep moving forward. I am very happy to be your friend and will try to assist you in any way I can on your SP journey to a healthier lifestyle. Rosy
    5069 days ago
    This is just amazing, and I admire you for writting it. Dealling with baggage is always difficult, but you have come far. Best of luck as you journey through life.
    5069 days ago
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