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CODERPITT's Photo CODERPITT Posts: 24
12/19/10 9:57 P

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I deal with "I hate you!" or "You're the enemy!" from our 6 year old PDD-NOS child. I'll either tell him that he doesn't mean that, or tell him that it's inappropriate. If he follows me saying he hates me or is melting down, I'll put him in his room and tell him to come out when he calms down and can behave. It took me a week or two to keep him in his room by sitting outside the door and putting him back in the room calmly and gently as possible. This generally works for him now. Keep in mind every ASD child is different and the best way to deal with the meltdowns is to try to be cognitive of the triggers and be sensitive about them.

With our child, I can push the triggers and see him on the fringe of a melt down and back off. By doing this I have been able to desensitize him of a couple of his triggers to the point some of them no longer bother him. But like I said earlier every ASD child is different.

One thing to keep in mind is when they start going down the meltdown path, a lot of the time they don't really mean it and half the time might not even remember saying it. So please try to not take it personal when they say things out of anger. Even normal kids do this.

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DARBOYMOM's Photo DARBOYMOM Posts: 1,144
12/13/10 7:55 A

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Oh my gosh -- "time outs" never, ever worked for Matthew either!!! He would not stay put, and believe me I tried all the "Supernanny" stuff. There needs to be a disclaimer on that show "these techniques do not work for ASD kids." LOL.

You're right about recognizing and avoiding triggers. I catch some, but it's impossible to avoid all of them. Best we can do is try!

Marcia
Co-Leader, "Dealing with Aspergers"


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MKPRINCESS007's Photo MKPRINCESS007 Posts: 1,586
12/13/10 1:23 A

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This can be the hardest part of being a parent for a child on Spectrum, in my opinion. From the time my son old enough to understand a consequence, I would try to put him in time out. He would escalate UNBELIEVABLE. It never calmed him, only enraged him further. After trying to hold him in a time out chair while he screaming furiously at age 3 or 4, I knew I had a different kind of kid here! :)

So, what to do? I have found with my own son that I, too, must walk away from him. The more I engage, the more I try to communicate, the more challenging he becomes. If I step back, allow him to calm and regroup, then we can talk about what happened when he has returned to a rational state of being. I have found that maturity does help, as my son is now 11 and we have less rageful moments. It is so hard!!! I felt like I have read so many things, but ultimately it is an eccelectic approach that has worked. Ross Greene has been an awesome resource for me...he talks about the ABC plan and planning strategies and responses before a triggering event happens. I have found that my son does have the same triggers, and that when I can anticipate them (not always an easy task, I know) I can sometimes divert.

So glad this was posted.

Believe in yourself,you were meant for greatness!

One in 70 boys are diagnosed with Autism today.


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DARBOYMOM's Photo DARBOYMOM Posts: 1,144
12/11/10 5:28 P

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Cat,
Yes, there are times I want him to stay in his room. Just for a few minutes until he can remember to use his calming techniques and settle himself down. The reason is that he can do much less damage in there. Every room in our house contains items that would be expensive to replace if he decided to turn his destructive tendencies on them. We have 2 computers in our family room, and he has already been found banging on the keyboards and throwing the mice. I just refuse to let him have access to the rest of the house when he's in destruction mode. Luckily, things are a little better lately and he's choosing to break pencils and tear paper. But at the flip of a switch, he could go after something valuable.

Marcia
Co-Leader, "Dealing with Aspergers"


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NEWCATONTHEWAY's Photo NEWCATONTHEWAY SparkPoints: (0)
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12/11/10 10:44 A

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I don't live your situation, so forgive me if I'm interfering. Does he have to go to his room? Just that when my son was really angry, and kicking and biting etc it was much less confrontational for me to leave the room he was in, and ignore him for a while. Sending him to his room escalated things so fast that he would be simmering for days. Left alone, he would hide under a table and gradually calm down. Yes, things got broken (a minimalist house is good!!) but the doors survived! Perhaps I am lucky in the way he deals with anger - the noise of him kicking a door would terrify him into stopping. I do hope you can find a way that works for you.xx

Catherine (aka Cat)

'Quality not quantity'

Co-leader Hampshire UK team - if you live in Hampshire UK come and join us! We'd love to meet you!


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NORDAKOTA's Photo NORDAKOTA Posts: 696
12/11/10 8:21 A

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I used to hold it shut, but he's getting really strong. Someone told me to put a hook and eye on the outside, but I could never bring myself to do that. In the summer time I put him in the garage and lock the door. Our garage is clean and there are toys and things in there. But on a day like today (it is 10 below now)... I have to keep him inside. I'd love to hear other suggestions for people on how they handle this. When he was younger, I was able to hold him, but I can't do that any longer.

"Just living is not enough," said the butterfly, "one must have sunshine, freedom and a little flower." ~Hans Christian Anderson


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DARBOYMOM's Photo DARBOYMOM Posts: 1,144
12/10/10 8:31 A

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How do you get him to STAY in his room? Mine will not stay put. His bedroom door is damaged because if I lock it to keep him OUT, he kicks it really hard. If I try to keep him IN by holding the door knob, he does the same thing. I've learned to not even bother trying to do those things anymore, but he does not stay put if I want him to stay in his room (when he's in a "mood.")

Marcia
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NORDAKOTA's Photo NORDAKOTA Posts: 696
12/10/10 7:37 A

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My oldest child is bipolar. He is only 6, but wow. Even with meds he has a rage at least daily. He's kicked doors down and I've got to work with bruises. He tells me he hates me. I try to stay calm and just say "That really makes me sad when you use words that hurt." If it continues, I put him in his room and take my other child outside for a while and we play. When it is over, he always is remorseful. I try to understand that he doesn't want to feel this way... but it is hard. You are a good mom. I think EVERY child thinks they "hate" their parent at one time or other --at least if they have "good" parents who set boundaries, etc. Hang in there! Peace to you.

"Just living is not enough," said the butterfly, "one must have sunshine, freedom and a little flower." ~Hans Christian Anderson


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DARBOYMOM's Photo DARBOYMOM Posts: 1,144
12/2/10 1:54 P

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Thank you to all who have responded with kindness, words of wisdom, and your own stories. Thankfully, we haven't had a recent episode where he's come right out and had the mean streak. There are other challenges, but the "I hate you" stuff seems to be getting a little better. :)

Marcia
Co-Leader, "Dealing with Aspergers"


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ALLISONMOM's Photo ALLISONMOM SparkPoints: (0)
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12/1/10 8:07 P

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I too have been having similiar issues with my daughter. It has been hard for me to deal with. Knock on wood I've managed not to cry in front of her. I wound up going to her psychiatrist because not only was she saying hateful words but trying to get violent with me. She is in the middle of puberty without the cycle yet. But other tell tale signs are happening to verify this. He put her on a mood stabilizer. Very small dosage but it's really working. She still gets hateful at times but when she gets angry and starts with the screaming I can remind her that I am not yelling at her and she becomes calmer. There are times I am too angry to talk and I tell her later I need to calm down. Sometimes I give her the same option and it does help.
I am so glad for this post. Thanks
Andi

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DEE797's Photo DEE797 Posts: 18,547
11/20/10 11:13 A

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I agree with what has been said here. I've always said to my ds, who is on the spectrum, and my dd, who is not, that we can talk it about later when you have calmed down. We do not discuss anything unless we are all calm.

Their words do hurt at times and I try and not let them see me cry but sometimes it's unavoidable and then I tell them both that their words have hurt my feelings.


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DARBOYMOM's Photo DARBOYMOM Posts: 1,144
11/19/10 8:54 A

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THANK YOU!

Marcia
Co-Leader, "Dealing with Aspergers"


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BEENIEMOM's Photo BEENIEMOM Posts: 8,045
11/18/10 10:46 P

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Sometimes it is great to do just what was said here.....let your son know in words that you love him but you are not going to contimue any conversation until he speaks to you more respectfully and then when ever possible...walk away. He might try to draw you back in to it as u walk away but dont engage in anything! Its ok also to let them hear that they have hurt our feelings , and even to let them see us cry sometimes ,but try always to avoid that power struggle where the mean words start to flow . I always walk away and ask a bit later if my child is ready to have a proper conversation with me about what was on his mind, then if he starts to be rude again ,i repeat the same..."Im sorry,obviously you are not ready to talk to me with respect so our conversation is done...Let me know when you have settled down and we can try again" Basically,you are demanding in a quiet and respectful way,that you be treated with respect and at the same time you are modelling for him a good way for him to learn more appropriate ways of handling himself when he is angry.It also can show him that his words can hurt and that hurting people is not kind nor acceptable.

Sorry...kinda long winded....just my opinion but it works well for me as long as it is always the very same message...over and over and over...hurting people with your words is NEVER ok and no one in the family is going to discuss anything with you unless you approach them with calm ,kind words...you can disagree in a respecful way

Best of luck!

Without forgiveness life is governed by...an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.

- Roberto Assagioli


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MKPRINCESS007's Photo MKPRINCESS007 Posts: 1,586
11/18/10 7:30 P

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Hooray, Marcia! So glad to see you here! Be sure to come to the Comfort Cafe for November thread here. The team spends most of there time there, so it is a great place to share everything!

I wish I could share some words of wisdom about your question. Even though I know my son doesn't mean some things that he says, I take it very personally. I try to just say to him that I understand he is angry. If I try to engage after angry words from him, it only escalates. I usually disengage verbally if I can until he can get it back together. I know that isn't always possible, but I try to stay neutral. Need to keep practicing! Just remember that all kids do say these things to get a reaction from parents and to assert their independence developmentally. I know that doesn't make it easier to swallow.

So glad you are here!

Believe in yourself,you were meant for greatness!

One in 70 boys are diagnosed with Autism today.


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DARBOYMOM's Photo DARBOYMOM Posts: 1,144
11/18/10 5:52 P

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EVERYTHING Helps! Thank you!!!

Marcia
Co-Leader, "Dealing with Aspergers"


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NEWCATONTHEWAY's Photo NEWCATONTHEWAY SparkPoints: (0)
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11/18/10 5:16 P

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I just say "Whatever! I still love you" and walk away quickly. I'm always being reminded to say what I'm thinking out loud, because he can't read my face; and that is one of those situations where you can help yourself feel better. Then, if I'm asked why I'm crying by my daughter, I can give her a big hug and say it's because I love both my kids so much.
Does that help?
Hugs, NewCat xx

Catherine (aka Cat)

'Quality not quantity'

Co-leader Hampshire UK team - if you live in Hampshire UK come and join us! We'd love to meet you!


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DARBOYMOM's Photo DARBOYMOM Posts: 1,144
11/18/10 1:15 P

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How do you cope when your child directs anger at you, tells you that you are the meanest mom, and says "I hate you?" Intellectually, I know that he doesn't really mean it. In fact, he will often tell me so later when he's in a calm state of mind. But when you are in the middle of a situation, do you have any tricks or techniques that help you to remember this is NOT a personal attack? I have broken down in tears, and I sometimes think that is just what he is looking for. How do I stay strong and not get emotional?

Marcia
Co-Leader, "Dealing with Aspergers"


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